adult son's girlfriend is toxic

And sometimes a person just wants to be heard , not judged or shamed or lectured.. just to be heard.

Good wishes.

Yes Christina, this is true. It can be very hard to be a parent and try to be there for a son or daughter that is engaged in a challenging relationship. It's important the OP be there and even have time with her grandchild because what SHOULD take place is her son's partner seek treatment to help her get sober and on a healthier track instead of continuing to engage in binging/remaining an addict.

This hits home with me in that I am married to a man that is a recovering binge alcoholic. I did not know what that was when I married my husband. I did not realize what I was really dealing with and I really thought my husband was just getting drunk at times due to his friend's influences because his friends all drank and did drugs and they were way worse than my husband. Ofcourse, now there is more information on this challenge compared to almost 40 years ago.

I woke up at 4 this morning, had an upsetting weekend with my husband. I suffer from ptsd, and part of my challenge is what I experienced in my marriage with an individual that has alcoholism issues. It's hard to raise a child with a partner that suddenly doesn't even come home and finally comes home hung over after being out all night drinking and doing cocaine. Oh, I will be better, I won't etc, and it's the honeymoon again, until it happens again. I tried so hard to be a good mommy for my child, god I loved her so much. One thing she said to me much later was "Dad was always happy go lucky, it was YOU mom that was stressed a lot". Boy, and I sure tried NOT to show my stress around my child too. It's amazing how much they can pick up on.

I get how the OP's son loves this woman and is trying to figure out how to keep things together. Things are ok for a "time" and they went to the water park. Yup, experienced that too. I did not really KNOW what that was back then though. What I do know, is this pattern will not stop until this woman gets sober and genuinely admits she has a problem and actually puts in the effort to change. Loving someone with this problem is EXTREMELY hard. And it can also be very lonely too as their entire life is about this disease.

What stands out to me in this scenario however, is that child being left with a hungover mother. My child never experienced that, I made sure of that.

I actually tend to agree with you as I've read through this thread because what struck me is that the DIL clearly needs help. Addiction is a disease, and she clearly has some mental health disorder going on. If I were the OP, I would take a position of encouraging the whole family into therapy so they can be healthier together instead of trying to drive seeds of wedges between them. The son will figure out on his own in his own time if he wants to stay or go.

I guess I just don't see why the DIL is undeserving of compassion and help. (I know that hasn't been spelled out but that's the vibe I'm catching.) You can't pick who your son loves. If you want to help and be supportive, encourage therapy for him and your DIL to work through their issues.

I'm not painting either one as a saint but judging her is the road to nowhere. Like or dislike, she's who your son has chosen.

How many people here displayed very erratic behavior before getting a diagnosis and help? Would we recommend that the DIL be treated the same way or use our experience to encourage treatment? I'm not absolving her of any wrong doing. She is responsible for her own actions. But, if she has a disorder and clearly has addiction, then she is not in control. And that means she needs help getting treatment.

i don't want to make things any more difficult for my son at this point.

thanks for your reply. i was at peace for awhile, but of course things have not gotten better, i'm hearing from outside sources, not from my son.

he hasn't really talked to me about what's going on lately, and i'm thinking it's because he knows how i'll react. i've gotten to the point where her name and "hate" are one and the same. and i do not like feeling that, but i can't help what i feel when i know my son is hurting.

i know you don't know me or the situation except for what i've posted, but you have no idea how off track you are. i know being a convicted felon does not mean you are toxic, but there are underlying factors that i've only touched on here that prove she is toxic to whomever she comes in contact with. me included.

she: lies, cheats, does drugs, drinks and mixes drugs to the point where she is incoherent, stays out all night doing god only knows what, gets into fights bad enough to get herself arrested...those are just a few generalized things she does or has done. 10+ years of drama i have dealt with and this is only a drop in the bucket of what me, my son, my family and her family have gone through with this girl. seems kinda toxic to me, no?

i totally agree with you. i'm thinking maybe i should find a group i can go to to talk about all of this with people in similar situations. any suggestions?

first of all, i am sorry you had gone through this with your husband (i'm assuming you are no longer together?) i too was married to a drinker and cheat and it was no bed of roses for sure. but, like you, i was there, sober, for my child. i was, by no means, the perfect mom, but i tried. and it does worry me about my granddaughter being left alone with this...person, while she is hungover.

my stomach is in knots over it and it's weird how i am experiencing the same sickness in my head and body that i had felt when with my ex husband whenever rumors emerged of him cheating or when he would not come home at night. and it destroys me knowing my son is probably experiencing the same pain.

any suggestions on a support group i could go to to talk to people in similar situations?

very good points. according to her, she has asked my son to go to therapy concerning the problems in their relationship, and supposedly she does go to a therapist for her "mental disorders" but has not admitted an addiction to any substance. i think her use of certain drugs, combined with her mental disorders, plus being in a relationship that just doesn't work (i know it seems i am blaming her for everything, but i do think my son does play a part too), all contributes to her doing what she does.

i don't know how open she would be if i were to offer her help, and the way i am feeling now i don't think i have it in me to offer her a compassionate shoulder to cry on or an understanding ear to listen.