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Member
Member Since May 2011
Location: chicago, illinois
Posts: 33
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#21
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thank you. __________________ Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Bill3
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TishaBuv
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#22
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#23
I feel sorry for the two year old. If there is fighting and yelling in her environment it can severely affect her for life.
Your son should talk to child services, he should start recording this woman's behaviors. And I would be worried if this woman was out all night and your son leaves his child home with her while he works. Bet she leaves that child unattended while she sleeps off her boozing/drugging from the night before. That's not good and yet that's what drug addicts do. Last edited by Open Eyes; Jan 29, 2020 at 10:12 PM.. |
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Member
Member Since May 2011
Location: chicago, illinois
Posts: 33
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#24
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he has claimed she's a good mother, but this is the show she puts on for him when he's around, i assume. my son is too dambed trusting , I'm afraid. p __________________ Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Open Eyes
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#25
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: limbo
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#26
If he does come running to you, there is something else you can do but again it will still leave the ball in his court. At the point he is voicing his concerns, you can again offer your perspective and advice but with the caveat that at that point you let him know that it is his choice, that if these are serious concerns, it's on him to deal with it, accept it or leave. help him get to a point where he is thinking and asking himself what is important, what is worth putting up with and at what point it's no longer worth sacrificing his peace and happiness. Try to get him to realize that he is in control of the choice he makes to do what is necessary to make a change in the relationship and/or his life.
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Member
Member Since May 2011
Location: chicago, illinois
Posts: 33
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#27
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i have thought of reporting her for the drugs, but domestic violence? there is no evidence of that. and i've come to the conclusion that by me doing that would only make things worse for both my son and me. and as long as my granddaughter is being taken care of and fed and more importantly not abused in any way i'm willing to be the outsider keeping tabs. she has another daughter, 14, from another relationship that is basically typical, except for the fact she has gender acceptance questions she is trying to work through. never any indications of any abuse from what i know. bottom line, this is one of the most difficult things i am witness to. and i am still clinging to the hope that my son will one day separate from her. __________________ Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Buffy01
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Buffy01
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#28
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Member
Member Since May 2011
Location: chicago, illinois
Posts: 33
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#29
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i have reached the point where i am so sick and tired of worrying all the time over something i feel is out of my hands. right now they are back in the "honeymoon" stage, which i know all too well, and i feel this is deepening into an ongoing lifestyle, which can last forever. i try to reason with him, but it seems to fall on mute ears. right now, except for my granddaughter, i am trying to distance myself from their problems. he is going to have to handle this on his own, unless he reaches out to me for help, i'm keeping a close distance. __________________ Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Buffy01, Have Hope, Open Eyes
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Buffy01
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Wise Elder
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Location: USA
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#30
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Member
Member Since Oct 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 257
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#31
Yeah, I don't understand why he would stay with someone like that and given how long they've been together, can't even make the argument that's it's the best for the kids. Sounds like it was terrible before they were even born.
Does he worry about the children if they broke up, as in on the off chance custody became an issue? Courts typically sides with mothers or not, unless your son has a checkered past as well, I'd like to think they'd give full custody to him. |
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Wise Elder
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Location: new england
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#32
I am a mother of adults, I do not feel I need to 'help no matter how unwelcome the help may be' (apologies if I am not quoting exact wording). Unwanted help is intrusion.
It truly sounds like time to back off on beating up on the mother.... It sounds so unhealthy for everyone, especially the kids as they pick up on Everything. She knows she is being piled on so it likely makes it really impossible for her and your son to work together on anything. If there is real reason to involve authorities, do so. Otherwise, perhaps talking to a T would help you to deal with the situation in a less (I say this based only on what I have read) destructive way. __________________ "...don't say Home / the bones of that word mend slowly...' marie harris |
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seesaw
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Member
Member Since May 2011
Location: chicago, illinois
Posts: 33
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#33
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sometimes people stay in toxic relationship because it becomes the norm and they know no different. i am a prime example of that, having stayed in a bad marriage for 20+ years, but i was hoping, as do most parents, that my son wouldn't follow in those particular footsteps... __________________ Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Member
Member Since May 2011
Location: chicago, illinois
Posts: 33
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#34
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as long as my granddaughter is a part of my life, healthy, and happy, it's up to the 2 of them, being "adults" to figure this out. after all, sometimes separating proves to be the best thing for everyone involved. __________________ Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 257
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#35
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Member
Member Since Oct 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 257
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#36
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She had similar substance abuse issues in the beginning. Not heavy drugs, but alcohol, benzos, and stimulants. And then add on top of that some fairly symptomatic borderline personality disorder that she was very resistant to getting treatment for, even when I essentially begged her and told her it wasn't right that I was seeing a psychiatrist, a regular therapist, and a CBT therapist for social anxiety; that I was by no means perfect and didn't expect her to be "cured," but I expected both of us to put in the work if we thought the relationship was worth it. At the end of the day, whether it was her not getting help, my own issues, or our personalities just not being right and we couldn't give each other what we wanted or needed, I don't regret the time we spent. It made me who I am for better or worse. |
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kitkat620
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#37
Hey @kitkat620 I do not think you are selfish at all, I think you need to find out what your sons' expectations are of you and set some boundaries. If he expects you to give advice then you may need to clarify that the advice you give will only be a few times and then after that you dont want to talk about her again. You may want to tell him that you feel awkward and that you dont know what you should say to him when he comes running to you. You may need to tell him that you do not want to discuss it anymore and tell him what the consequences will be if he does. By consequences I mean what will happen if he violates those boundaries? (Like you may have to disengage the conversation until he stops involving you) or tell him that you will talk to him another time. Find out what his motivations are for telling you about her. Does he want you to tell him what to do? Like her? Intervene?
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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kitkat620
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Member
Member Since May 2011
Location: chicago, illinois
Posts: 33
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#38
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when the girl is good, she is very, very good, but when she's bad, she's evil, selfish, uncaring, and mentally destructive to both herself and the people around her. i honestly feel she is addicted to something, or at the very least, abusing some sort of substance. i've had almost constant contact with my granddaughter and she seems healthy and happy, so i guess that's the most important thing right now. __________________ Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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#39
nothing will change until your son is ready. and that is his call only. he may know deep in his heart she is not right but until he is ready all the harping on it, talking, and even insight from a psychologist isn't going to be the push he needs. he is a parent...to push him into making a decision is as wrong as you feel he is in making him stay. it is a call only HE can make, and whatever call he does make, you aas family need to abide by it or leave him alone
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kitkat620
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#40
Hey @kitkat620 I am a little confused: Above in another post, you said this:
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__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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