No. More. Commitment. Issues. Ever.

Hello! I'm new around these parts. I'm seeking some (further) advice on my recent break up which has now turned into just a 'break' or 'time away'.

I'll attempt to keep this organized and brief, thanks for taking the time to read this.

My girlfriend (or ex...idk what we are now, so I'll refer to her as my girlfriend) are both 29. We are both getting out of school, I got my MBA and started working about a year and a half ago, and she decided to go back to school and is finishing up in May. She works part time at a local restaurant and I work at a business about an hour away. We live about 20-30 minutes away from each other, but before about 4 months ago, we were about an hour away from each other. Before that we lived very close and seeing each other was easy.

Onto the problem...

She expressed over the past year or so that she would really like to see, in essence, some more commitment from my side. She'd like to see me more, she'd like to have me come over to her place more, and everything in between. Her love language is quality time (I learned that now...wish I took the time to learn it before).

I kept telling her I would try, and that I loved her. I really do and I really did. I wanted to try, but there was something holding me back. Some deep, and covered up that I couldn't even recognize it up until now, after the break up.

I have commitment issues. My parents split when I was 21. My last two relationships ended while we had moved in together and they were messy. Difficult, and not fun. They scarred me. My friends were getting married and divorced, some even had kids! In my mind...marriage, commitment, moving in together = no thanks.

I started making every excuse in the book to not see her because if I made further commitments and did what she asked of me, that would sink me deeper into the commitment hole. So I made safety routines. Work, Gym, TV/Games, Sleep....repeat. There would be some other things that would be thrown in there, and yes...we still spent time together, just NOT ENOUGH. I would only sacrifice 1 or 2 days a week...maybe 3. After a year of that, ya, damn right she is sad. But I had my head so far up my butt, that I couldn't see the problem for what it was. ME!

Now...take it back a couple weeks, she came over and ended it. I knew it was going to happen...but I was in shock. Mind you - I love this girl, she is perfect for me...and maybe that was the problem. Too perfect, "well shoot, you better marry her then!" It paralyzed me! Her parents...my parents, asking about the future (rightfully so) put even more pressure on me!!! I'm not playing the victim though because read the next part...

I realized, almost immediately after that I couldn't lose her. For many reasons but the most important reasons began to resonate 3-4 days after the break up. I learned that I had commitment issues... and I know what you're thinking - that I just don't want to be lonely, and I miss here...etc etc etc. I've broken up with many women, and they've broken up with me...I've never ever ever felt this way before. Not even close.

I learned that my past had made me TERRIFIED to be completely vulnerable to her. Regardless of how wonderful she was. And yes, she had her problems but she made efforts to fix them. I didn't because I couldn't fix what I didn't fully understand. I didn't understand it was my fear of commitment that didn't let met take the next steps with her...it was, in my head, at the time, "her needing too much". Which is total BS.

By her breaking up with me..it literally hit me in the head with a baseball bat and knocked the nonsense out of my head. Sure I can't change over night, nobody is saying that, but I now understand! I may get triggered by a few things but I can relate back to the goal in mind....her. Us. Future.

I explained the above, and a whole lot more to her in various in person and over the phone conversations. She said she does and has always wanted nobody but me...and she wants to believe me, and wants to make it work...but she is hurt, and sad and wants to come to a natural conclusion that I can be that person for her. Which I respect, as much as it sucks. She said she didn't want to see other men - it was only me on her mind. She said she just wants time to think, and she wants time for me to think/reflect too. Totally fair!

She said it could take weeks or months - who knows. She said if I'm (me) feeling confident in my progress to contact her early, that I can...but she doesn't want to see me in 2 weeks because you can't unemotionally embody change that quick! Understandable. I'd prefer not months, but regardless I am making the steps every day to better myself as a person, throw out safety blankets and routines that I used to cling to, and am committing myself 100% to embracing change for herself and myself. I sold my video games, I'm going to gym in the morning before work, and I'm doing things that I "didn't want to do before to prove to myself that I can do this. And honestly...it has been easy. The only hard part is desperately missing her and worrying every minute of every day.

The problem is - I can't show her any progress if I can't see her or talk to her. I feel stuck in limbo. I'm scared, excited and sad all at the same time. I'm worried she is stewing, and has negative people whispering in her ear...and I can't sit there with her and discuss things...for...I don't even know how long! I've sort of decided that March 1st will be the day I will reach out if I don't hear from her...but until then, despite the progress I'm making, I am suffering.

On track to being a better, more mature man, I am not vulnerable to the reality that I WANT MARRIAGE, I WANT BABIES AND I WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY....despite all the pain I saw it bring those around me. I'm not subject to their broken realities. I write my own story. And I want to do it...I want to do it with her.

Any advice here? I feel I could call her right now and say I'm ready, let's do this. But I feel she wouldn't believe me. Waiting till March seems to be the best plan, but this all seems to, I don't know, dramatic. Why does there have to be a time limit? It is all so confusing...and I'm stuck in the middle.

Hi Nkent77, welcome to Psych Central. Ok, it's understandable that you had worries about committing. It's good that you figured that out too. You are still young too, and the other relationships you had, you were still growing and learning and so were the other women you had relationships with. It's hard after going through relationships that did not work out, anyone can end up getting cold feet and do things to avoid getting hurt again. After all you are only human.

It's ok to take a break and think things over, and it's important you respect that she wants that too. Silence is not always a bad thing either. Taking a time out from someone isn't such a bad thing, it gives a person time to clear their mind and think about what they really want. After all, you want her to have time to decide she wants to move forward with you and visa versa. She has told you there is no other person, isn't even looking, all good signs. Respect her time, gotta trust and respect because those are important things to have in a relationship for it to last.

Thank you for your reply and kind words. I'm stuck in the middle of a mindset of 'moving on' and 'having hope' and that is what kills me. I just don't understand, because I think about her everyday. I feel we deserve a second chance - and I know I hurt her, but the rest of our relationship is so beautiful. I guess there is nothing I can do to influence anything here, other than myself, but I miss her...and I don't want her to be surrounded by negativity related to me. Maybe I'm impatient, something I have to work on, I just miss her so much...and I can't even tell her.

Maybe that's what your girlfriend is dealing with too. It sounds like both of you are afraid of getting hurt. This isn't uncommon in today's relationship world. Lots of people are uncertain about themselves when it comes to relationships. This is why this is one of the busiest forums on this site.

It takes great courage to face these personal demons and challenges. Good for you.

This situation will unfold however it is intended to unfold. Just do your work. Let it fall where it falls. Everything will be fine.

It seems like you're REALLY trying your best to improve, @Nkent77! Good for you! I agree with ALL the other wise and wonderful poster. Just give her time and keep working on yourself. Perhaps you can try to stay in contact with her somehow? I don't mean that you should say that you're ready already, but perhaps try to engage in friendly chat. Regardless, I do think that you should wait a little. Definitely wait two weeks at least. Then decide if you feel ready. In any case, I am wishing the BEST of Luck to BOTH of You! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Nkent77, your Family, your Friends, your Girlfriend and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

If she does take you back it is quite possible that your commitment issues will resurface--once you are facing actual commitment again.

For this reason, my advice is to see a therapist and let that person help you get past this issue once and for all.

In the event triggers happen, which they will I'm sure, I am seeing a therapist. I'm doing everything I can for my future, and hopefully I can end up saying...for her too! I want her in my future.

And thank you everyone for your kind words. It really means a lot. The encouragement and everything. My 'fork in the road' has felt more like a bowl of spaghetti so I'm trying hard to focus.