[TishaBuv]

Here’s an example:

Today I wanted to send a text to my son who is in a region with severe weather to see if he is okay. He’s not speaking to us due to a huge falling out, but I am still his mom and love him, so why not reach out?

I told my husband I was thinking about texting, “Did you make it to work okay in this terrible weather? Please don’t ghost me, it’s cruel and immature.” But, I thought it would not be well received and only make for more ghosting and anger from him.

My husband threw me for a loop and said, “Don’t do it. He’d hate that you think he is an incompetent driver and this would only cause more trouble.”

I agree, not to send it. But how did he think that I was implying my son was an incompetent driver from my words? That was not my thinking. I was concerned for him on the road dealing with weather and other drivers. Did my words sound as though I was criticizing him?

If my husband misinterpreted it and read that into my words, does he just choose to look upon me negatively? He thought I wanted to criticize our son’s driving? So, now I just feel like completely isolating from all of them. They all look upon me negatively when I’m not? Does a mother have no right to be concerned for her adult son’s safety in a nationally reported storm?

Our other son texted that he was fine. No problem. He did not read into it that I was insulting his ability. Why did my husband? Are the boys thinking everything out of my mouth is insulting, when it is not?

I definitely have an issue now with people who know and supposedly love me choosing to look upon me negatively, when that is not my intention. My behavior of them shows nothing but good, loving intentions. I’m so frustrated and sad.

[mote.of.soul]

TishaBuv, I think you should've just said in you text "Did you make it to work okay in this terrible weather", and that's all. Because the rest of what you said will be taken as a critique or a challenge to your son. Absolutely. Just speak from the heart and not the head when it comes to people - leave out all the hurt parts. Do you understand what I mean?

[Bill3]

I agree that the second part of the message gives out that you think negatively of him.

Also, it sounds like a demand: as if to say "You need to respond to me and if you don't for whatever reason you are ghosting me and being cruel and immature."

With regard to the request about the terrible weather: my sons would roll their eyes at this. I don't know if they would actually get angry, but they would take it as mom saying "Be careful" and react negatively to the implication that at their adult age they need to be reminded to be careful. I myself reacted the same way when my mother told me to be careful.

I definitely have an issue now with people who know and supposedly love me choosing to look upon me negatively, when that is not my intention.

Perhaps this isn't something personal but rather is a standard type of mother-adult son dynamic? Idk but like I said, our sons would not welcome such a well-intentioned message from their mother, especially if they felt that their mother was saying that they needed to respond.

My own perspective as a dad fwiw is that no news is good news, we would hear soon enough if something bad had happened.

If I could suggest an alternative, something to consider I think would be a message along the lines of "Thinking of you". No request, just an expression of care and love.

[mote.of.soul]

@TishaBuv

Sorry if I skipped over all the other stuff you mentioned, too, sorry. I just wanted to address the first part.

Anyway, you'll be okay with the hubby. Everyone's always taking everybody the wrong way.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

@TishaBuv

Sorry if I skipped over all the other stuff you mentioned, too, sorry. I just wanted to address the first part.

Anyway, you'll be okay with the hubby. Everyone's always taking everybody the wrong way.

^
Why do they do this? I don’t. If my words are plainly not negative, why do they read something negative into it? If my actions have been nothing but loving, why have they not given me the benefit of the doubt and chosen to vilify me?

[BabyLoves]

I think it's a mother adult son thing because my adult son seems to have a problem with nearly everything I say. I have to just listen and not say anything when I have so much I should offer in advice. Try to accept men understand each other and his father probably has a better way to communicate with him than mom does.

[MickeyCheeky]

I am so sorry, TishaBuy! Personally I don't see anything wrong with you asking your Son if he's ok or not. I would take it as a sign that my Mother cares. My Mother often asks me that, in fact, and I often have no problem with it. I'd have avoid writing the second part too as well, though. As for your husband, perhaps he's saying that just because he's afraid your Son may take it the bad way? Perhaps it wasn't really directed at you but more at him. I am not sure. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @TishaBuy, your Family, your Friends, your Son and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?! .yourock:

[mote.of.soul]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

[/B]
^
Why do they do this? I don’t. If my words are plainly not negative, why do they read something negative into it? If my actions have been nothing but loving, why have they not given me the benefit of the doubt and chosen to vilify me?

Aaw, they have love in their hearts for you @TishaBuv, but people can be closed off. I really don't know why they are the way they are, friend. I'm the kind of person who has nothing to do with folks much, you see, but I do understand you're not in my situation. I just think that if peoples reactions and behaviours don't seem right to you, then just notch it up to life. Let it go. Fk them. Try not to take it to heart and stay strong in the knowledge that you're a good person. Just take it on the chin, but continue with your good ways lady. Life is fking heartbreaking half the time. That's all I know.

I'm sending you a hug.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

[/B]
^
Why do they do this? I don’t. If my words are plainly not negative, why do they read something negative into it? If my actions have been nothing but loving, why have they not given me the benefit of the doubt and chosen to vilify me?

Your initial plan of what you wanted to text, though, is a very critical text in that last part. I wonder if you have a tendency to interject criticism under the guise of love, and that rubs the people around you the wrong way. It's a kind of "I love you, but . . ." communication that could be a turn off, particularly if it is something that you might do regularly. (I am not making an accusation; I have no idea how you usually communicate with your family members. Just something to perhaps consider if it is relevant.) It feels like very conditional love, and it sort of seems like they have started conditioning their love back at you maybe? I don't know. But generally there is a pattern of communication issues over time that leads to these kinds of estrangement - and often both sides of the estrangement hold partial responsibility. Sometimes it takes some distance to sort of reset a relationship.

asking if he is ok is fine. adding the 2nd part is just setting yourself up for angst.

if he replies with a snotty answer you'll be upset.
if he doesn't, you'll be upset.
i assume he is old enough to respond/not respond & make that call on his own.

it feels like you almost wanted the bad contact just so you could continue the drama

let it be or send a "hope you are safe in this weather" text and leave it. no expectations from that other bthen someone is home safe. period.

[TishaBuv]

No more responses, please. I found this triggering for me and not ultimately helpful. Thank you all for the kind replies.

[mote.of.soul]

@TishaBuv

Sorry for swearing in my post to you, very sorry about that. I was quite drunk. My apologies.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

@TishaBuv

Sorry for swearing in my post to you, very sorry about that. I was quite drunk. My apologies.

Thanks! This made me laugh. I wasn’t aware if you used a swear word at all. We’re all in this silly journey of life together. No worries!

I’m happy I had a good distraction later yesterday. I have a good project to work on with nice people. That’s the best way for me to move on from this loss.

[Be Still]

I can’t help but feel like we’re getting half of the real truth over here...I wish your husband could also chip in so we can hear from his point of view. If you are saying everyone seems to take your communication as being from a negative place then we cannot say they are entirely wrong. Everybody cannot be wrong and you are right. That is a victim mentality and if you want to heal these relationships you really need to step out of that powerless, helpless and defeated mindset. Try to do some introspection and see why they would assume you have that intention. Look without judging yourself because judgement seems to be a BIG theme in your family. Everybody is fearful of being judged. Instead of being defensive, let’s look at why everyone is fearful of being judged. Where does it stem from? Follow the trail until it comes back to you and claim your part.

I can imagine as a mother you want to maintain a strong bond with your children even at their adult phase. A mother will always be a mother and surprisingly enough (even though they will never tell you) your children will always need you to nurture them, maybe in a less intrusive but loving way.

So take down the walls. I don’t believe anyone hates you or that anyone feels like you are the enemy. I feel like everyone needs to be honest about their part in the breakdown of communication and the lack of trust.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Be Still

I can’t help but feel like we’re getting half of the real truth over here...I wish your husband could also chip in so we can hear from his point of view. If you are saying everyone seems to take your communication as being from a negative place then we cannot say they are entirely wrong. Everybody cannot be wrong and you are right. That is a victim mentality and if you want to heal these relationships you really need to step out of that powerless, helpless and defeated mindset. Try to do some introspection and see why they would assume you have that intention. Look without judging yourself because judgement seems to be a BIG theme in your family. Everybody is fearful of being judged. Instead of being defensive, let’s look at why everyone is fearful of being judged. Where does it stem from? Follow the trail until it comes back to you and claim your part.

I can imagine as a mother you want to maintain a strong bond with your children even at their adult phase. A mother will always be a mother and surprisingly enough (even though they will never tell you) your children will always need you to nurture them, maybe in a less intrusive but loving way.

So take down the walls. I don’t believe anyone hates you or that anyone feels like you are the enemy. I feel like everyone needs to be honest about their part in the breakdown of communication and the lack of trust.

Do you know about my whole situation? I really haven’t gone through my whole saga on this thread. I don’t want to discuss it anymore here. Not helpful responses from some. How do you think it’s helpful to tell me I have victim mentality. Kindly back off please.