[Roxanne0811]

Long post....For the past year and change, I have been seeing this guy..it has not been smooth sailing. There have been SO MANY red flags...starting with his excessive drinking, to his past relationships, childhood, criminal record (almost 30 years ago), inability to connect emotionally on a high level, putting friends first, etc. Because of my self esteem I stayed with him..he has flaked on me, spoken to me in an abusive manner but then would rationalize it..he is good at telling you about your so called behavior, but sees nothing wrong with his, his drinking and blacking out, etc. After the new year he wanted to make a change..so he stopped drinking during the week, we would meet up and go to the gym, have dinner, etc. Wasn’t perfect, but I felt we were making some progress and growing closer...then this past weekend, he invited me to a family party. I have a child, so I had to make arrangements for a babysitter...so dropped him off at a relatives house. I get to his house, and it’s not even 2:00 and he’s drinking..we were supposed to be at the party at 3, his family is calling him and we didn’t leave until after 5, and he’s blasted. We are in an Uber and he is telling me that he’s going to leave the party to hang with his boys...we had plans to hang out after, plus in the morning we’re going somewhere...so he blew me off so he could party with his friends and one family member...had he told me this ahead of time I would have declined the invitation, because there would be no point to go. I told him in the car that if he does this to me (he did something similar before) that I won’t forgive him...he didn’t care then added he thought I would be happy that he’s including me in his family...I told him you really have no respect for me, all you care about is drinking and getting drunk with your boys...he denied not respecting me but I know better...

Fast forward, we get to the party...his mom and dad and brother were also there so at least I knew them...he didn’t pay much attention to me but I started talking to and hanging out with a couple girls also...he said he was leaving and tried to put me in a cab, 2 or 3 times...I say no, you go I’m staying here...you want to party so guess what? So am I! He didn’t seem to like that, and he kept wanting to know what me and his cousin were talking about...after he left I found out ALOT.. he has a bad track record with relationships, he’s a recovering alcoholic...and when his cousin told him earlier that what he’s doing isn’t right and how I had to get a babysitter, Which he just says well, I don’t have kids..his cousin told me after this, I can’t talk to him again..that he doesn’t care about me..his mom told me he isn’t supposed to drink at all due to a brain imbalance (mental issue?) so I ended up taking a lyft home, but not before sending him a long text...

Next day, he texts me at noon with two you tube videos that were supposed to be his version of apologizing...I didn’t say I accept your apology..because I warned him I wouldn’t forgive him and I don’t. Yesterday, I sent him a long email about his alcoholism and asked him how many people I’d he going to hurt until he had had enough, and what is it going to take for him to realize he has a problem? Etc etc. Later that day, he texts me saying he isn’t right, but he’s moving forward...he said this about 3x as we were texting..he’s used to me making a fuss about not wanting to lose him, so I end up taking the fall, forgiving him and the cycle continues...I was supposed to pick up my things yesterday but apparently he was busy...like literally, I was meeting him around the corner for 2 min..apparently he is going to meet me today...I am NOT taking responsibility for this...he messed up not me.

[bpforever1]

I would keep busy with other tasks and people. I also met someone online who was abusive and initially could not stay away from contacting him. But, I found other people and am now busy with my other tasks. I highly recommend if you think he is harmful to you, then please try to restrain yourself from contacting him. I was also weak and kept contacting the abusive man until I realized that he was just using and abusing me for his own pleasure. If you come from an abusive family like I do, then you will be a magnet for abusive people. Thus, you must recognize the patterns of abuse and the cycle of abuse. I am trying to stay away from abusive people although I am attracted to them. It is a vicious circle and if you have no self-esteem, you will think you don’t deserve to be treated well. However, in the end, you will feel awful and spiral downwards until you won’t be able to get out of the abusive situation. I would do your best to be aware of this cycle of abuse and run away from it ASAP. Also, please try to find others who are supportive of you and understand you well. As I said, I would try to find ways to distract yourself from thinking about this person. I am doing this by motivating myself to do work and other enjoyable tasks. Also, I would try to take care of yourself. Are you in shape and eating healthy? You can start by taking care of yourself before worrying about others who don’t care about you. Best wishes!

[Have Hope]

You remain NO CONTACT by truly believing, absorbing and also following through on the fact that you deserve FAR better. Period. You don’t get back with him. Period.

[AzulOscuro]

I’m sorry you are going through this.
You already saw the red flags. I kind of think it’s not only a matter of alcoholism. I rather think alcoholism is only his way to get high and get excitement. I see more red flags than his dependency of alcohol.

For me is also very difficult to get away from people I care but you can do it.
Try to think it’s gonna be very hard but the suffering will end up. The ideas I pop into is look for support on other people around you that are positive for you, spend time with them. If you feel confident with someone of them or even a therapist, tell them what’s happening and what you need from them. What you are trying to get, that is, zero contact with this person. Focus on activities to keep your mind busy.
Think that many times, leaving a romantic relationship behind is so hard as getting free from an addition. What for your SO may be getting free from alcohol.

Sure, you’re going to get more ideas.
Wish you luck!

[AzulOscuro]

Sorry if I repeat what it has been said. I noticed people are way too much faster than me writing and reading.

[Roxanne0811]

Thank you...he is like jeckyll and Hyde...he can be loving and kind one minute and then arrogant and nasty the next...using my past against me-like his relationships were perfect...far from it!

[Roxanne0811]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

I’m sorry you are going through this.
You already saw the red flags. I kind of think it’s not only a matter of alcoholism. I rather think alcoholism is only his way to get high and get excitement. I see more red flags than his dependency of alcohol.

For me is also very difficult to get away from people I care but you can do it.
Try to think it’s gonna be very hard but the suffering will end up. The ideas I pop into is look for support on other people around you that are positive for you, spend time with them. If you feel confident with someone of them or even a therapist, tell them what’s happening and what you need from them. What you are trying to get, that is, zero contact with this person. Focus on activities to keep your mind busy.
Think that many times, leaving a romantic relationship behind is so hard as getting free from an addition. What for your SO may be getting free from alcohol.

Sure, you’re going to get more ideas.
Wish you luck!

yes he’s a mysoginist...he has all the signs of one.

[bpcyclist]

Get all your things. Have someone there to support you and help you when you do that. Call police immediately if he lays a pinky on you. Block him from all online stuff. Remove him from your phone. Do not answer when he calls. Do not talk to him, do not see him, do not have anything to do with him.

He is obviously an alcoholic with some other major issues, as indicated above. You deserve and will find much, much better. The path to that starts with him in your rearview mirror.

Sending you strength!! You can do this!!!!!

[Roxanne0811]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Get all your things. Have someone there to support you and help you when you do that. Call police immediately if he lays a pinky on you. Block him from all online stuff. Remove him from your phone. Do not answer when he calls. Do not talk to him, do not see him, do not have anything to do with him.

He is obviously an alcoholic with some other major issues, as indicated above. You deserve and will find much, much better. The path to that starts with him in your rearview mirror.

Sending you strength!! You can do this!!!!!

thanks...yes I just want my things so I can begin the process of healing and seeing my worth. He has a lot of issues that I don’t even know about and don’t want to deal with..plenty of fish

[Molinit]

No contact = No new hurt. Stop lecturing him about alcohol, it's not your problem anymore.

[Twilight1227]

I think we need a Codependency group where you set boundaries and stick to them even though they are hard to do, I think alot of people would benefit from such a group, As far as going no contact with toxic person you have to or you will stay attached to that person, That is the only way to heal from the emotional abuse of a narcissist, Narcissist are growing more and more, We need a group for narcissist abuse and Codependency or both, Please everyone think about this and let me know

[Roxanne0811]

Originally Posted by Twilight1227

I think we need a Codependency group where you set boundaries and stick to them even though they are hard to do, I think alot of people would benefit from such a group, As far as going no contact with toxic person you have to or you will stay attached to that person, That is the only way to heal from the emotional abuse of a narcissist, Narcissist are growing more and more, We need a group for narcissist abuse and Codependency or both, Please everyone think about this and let me know

yes and narcissists survival depend on codependent partners

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Roxanne0811

thanks...yes I just want my things so I can begin the process of healing and seeing my worth. He has a lot of issues that I don’t even know about and don’t want to deal with..plenty of fish

Please take someone with you when you get your stuff.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Twilight1227

I think we need a Codependency group where you set boundaries and stick to them even though they are hard to do, I think alot of people would benefit from such a group, As far as going no contact with toxic person you have to or you will stay attached to that person, That is the only way to heal from the emotional abuse of a narcissist, Narcissist are growing more and more, We need a group for narcissist abuse and Codependency or both, Please everyone think about this and let me know

You can just start thread ...

When going no contact is hard ( or whatever you want to call it)

And just type up it’s a thread for anyone needing daily support to not get sucked back into a bad relationship.

The Bipolar forum is like my home base and we have a “daily check in thread “ “ ongoing “ Insomnia “ thread we all post on.

I think having a thread like your talking about could be a big help to people.

[~Christina]

Have a friend go with you , collect your things , block on all social media and block his number on your phone. If he comes to your door tell him once he is not welcome and if he comes back you will call the police.

It is hard to totally remove someone from your life. But maybe think of your child. Children learn about relationships based off the way they see there parents interact.

You don’t want to have your child thinking it’s okay to be treated terrible.

So if you can’t block him for your own good think of your child

[sarahsweets]

After you safely get your things block him in all ways.. number, social media etc. If he doesnt leave you alone you may have to consider something like the police.

[divine1966]

Good for you ending this mess. Block him. Don’t go there alone to collect your things. But after that be done. Him being an alcoholic is only one issue here, he is just overall a terrible partner. You don’t need such men in your life