Possible to assume someone is being rude when they just simply don't feel as close

Has anyone experience a time where they thought someone was being very rude and not being a good friend, only to find out as time went on that they really weren't? It was, instead, an unfortunate case where you may have felt closer to them than they did to you. Same thing can go for someone you know. You may know someone who claims that someone they considered a close friend was very rude, even a toxic friend, but as you hear their stories and maybe even witness some of their interactions, you come to realize the "toxic friends" are really not trying to be rude. They just simply don't feel that close.

I will admit, I used to have this problem. I'm not saying I didn't have my fair share of toxic friends, but looking back, I know there are a couple people who, back then I thought were being very rude when in reality, they just simply didn't feel close. I am much better now at knowing when someone is genuinely being very rude and toxic and someone who just simply don't feel that close. It doesn't mean they dislike you. They could like you just fine, they just don't see you as a close friend.

They may see you as a casual friend or even just an acquaintance. I have a friend that has this problem as well. She will become offended, thinking a group of people she is trying to befriend is being rude to her when in reality, after seeing the interactions, they just simply don't feel close. They are still nice, and most likely like her just fine, but they don't see her as a part of their group. Even situations that I was not present at, I get the feeling she may have gotten the wrong impression.

She once shared a time where she was good friends with a particular person from church. She always hung out with her. Well one day, my friend's friend had another friend that started attending the same church. Those two girls talked a lot and always hung out with each other. This caused my friend to feel left out. At first glance, it sounds like they just ditched her, which could have happened. But I asked my friend how they treated her, and she said they weren't outright rude, they just simply didn't talk to her as much as they talked to each other.

Since I wasn't there, I could be wrong and I don't know for certain, but given my friend's tendency to assume people are closer to her than they are, I get the feeling it was an unfortunate case where they just didn't feel as close to my friend as they did with each other. They didn't outright ditch her. They just simply talked to each other more. They probably liked my friend just fine, just not in the same way as my friend saw them. Unfortunately, it can be more common than people realize.

It doesn't mean they always have to be hostile, some people just simply don't feel as close to a particular person as that person may feel to them. I've had the same thing where someone appeared to be closer to me than I felt towards that person. It happens. It comes down to how they treat you. If they are nice to you to your face especially one on one, but then in a group setting, they are downright rude, downright excludes you, and just generally makes you feel like crap, then they are not a true friend.

But someone who talks to you and even considers you a friend, but talks to some other people more, may just simply feel closer to them than they do to you. I know it can hurt still because, even though it is probably unintentional, it can still feel like you're being excluded from a group and may even leave you wondering how true of a friend they really were in the first place. I do know sometimes it really is a cruel group of people you thought were friends. I've had that experience too. But I know there are other cases where they may like you just fine and may even like hanging out with you, but they still feel closer to others.

I think it is a common misconception that if someone seems to be less talkative to you compared to some other people, then that means there is some hostility taking place and that automatically makes them a two faced toxic friend. While yes, this can happen, in a lot of cases, it is not that way. It is an unfortunate case where someone mistakenly thought they were closer friends than they really were, just like how my friend was and still is. Due to being burned in the past, I can see how this can be blurry since even thought it may be unintentional, it still can come off as intentional and malicious. Just wondered if you or anyone you know has experienced this? I think this is more common than people realize, which can blur the lines between malicious behavior and an unfortunate misunderstanding.

Sometimes people are just more guarded, as well. Growing up as a young adult (then) my friends would tell me they didn't like me when they first met me. It took time for "me" to grow on "them". They thought I was a bit snobbish and unfriendly.

As time went on, I was able to lower my guard with those I felt safe or comfortable with. I wasn't a snob. I suffered from social anxiety. I wasn't unfriendly, I was scared. Once my guard was down, they were able to see my playful side. I had a pretty good sense of humour, afterall.. and once they learned about my anxiety, they accepted it.

Yeah I'm more guarded as well. It takes me awhile to warm up to others just because I don't want to be hurt again. Glad things have improved for you.

Hey @rgrad15 you didnt quite mention this so I am inferring but I think "toxic" as it pertains to people can sometimes be a word that is overused or unwarranted. Of course there are toxic people and relationships but have you ever known someone who labels everyone toxic or has friendships fail and then they label them toxic?

Everyone has baggage. Sometimes it’s super easy to forget it in everyday life situations, especially because people know exactly how to protect the truth about themselves.

I think I’m pretty good example of situation such as this. I bet I would strike you as an arrogant prick if we found ourselves in situation where we’d be forced to spend a significant amount of time with each other without a notice.

The reasons behind my actions are being bullied as a kid and then rejected as a teenager due to social awkwardness. I’m very hostile toward newcomers, no matter who they are and what they’re up to. I used to antagonize people very quickly back in a day. I was scared. It was not up to me and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
Thankfully, I got better. However, I still don’t feel comfortable about opening up and I like to keep my distance. It has nothing to do with the other party. It never had. People are complicated. There are deeper layers of identity that could tell you much more about who someone really is. My advise for you is not to take anything personally.

Oh yeah I didn't mention that. Thanks for bringing that up and that's a great point! Yes, I actually have noticed that! They get mad that a friendship has failed, even if it wasn't in a bad way, and the person who is mad labels their ex-friend toxic. I've had friendships end on good terms, usually just through the passing of time, and I never labeled them as toxic. And honestly, the people who I mistakenly thought liked me more than they really did but were still nice to me are also not toxic.

But yeah, you are right. People are bound to get angry at someone who ends a friendship with them and label them as being toxic. It is way overused. There is a difference between someone who is actually not being very nice. Someone who takes enjoyment out of excluding you, talking about you and even others, making you feel bad, and even controlling you. And there are those who just pull away after some time or may not have even been that close in the first places and they get labeled toxic.

In fact, I was once labelled as a fake friend just because I didn't consider someone a close friend and the person got mad at me for not wanting to hang out with her that much. She was a very arrogant person who didn't take no for an answer either and couldn't get the hint. I was nice to her and talked to her but I still hung out with other people more. I didn't dislike her to the point where I avoided her, but at the same time, I just didn't see her as someone I wanted to spend hours with and confide in her about stuff.

That is a great point though. In fact, my friend has the tendency to do that. She will label some people as fake because she feels burned that they don't feel as close to her and prefer to hang out with other people. Not everyone is fake and toxic. Unfortunately, this kind of mentality and behavior can come off as jealous and overall angry since others may see this as a form of desperation and even some clinginess.

I agree, everyone has baggage whether they want to admit it or not. In fact, the few times I met someone who claimed that they didn't have baggage, I assumed they weren't being perfectly honest since no one gets by life without being burned in some way or another. Some people are just better at hiding it than others and some may be more suspicious. I'll admit I can be suspicious too but not as much as some others I'm sure.

I'm currently facing this situation with a friend. We were close but now he is drifting apart because of certain fights we had. He even clearly told me and I respect that. But I'm hurt and wonder how can a few fights make people drift apart? Don't they care about the friendship? ... Infact he went from close friend to saying a normal friend. He even called me boring yesterday and told me I've muted your messages. I mean I understand you don't feel close anymore, but atleast don't be so rude... And just a day before we had a good chat as well. And a few days back we sexted. .... So obviously I'll feel bad. Don't sext also if you find me boring. Like it could happen it was just at the moment but I felt don't sext if you find me so boring that you have to mute me. It clearky means he doesn't wanna talk right? Or am I over reacting?

Wow, I'm sorry you are going through that. It honestly sounds like he didn't care as much as he may have made it seem. Either that or he really did care but he is saying he didn't just to make himself feel better. I've seen people do stuff like that too. They will genuinely appear to really care about someone and as soon as a falling out happens, they claim they never cared about them after all. I have a friend who does that. She had a falling out with some people who she really cared about in the past. Now she claims she never really cared about them at all, even back then. I don't think you're overreacting. Either he didn't care as much as you may have thought or, like I mentioned, he is just saying he never cared just to make himself feel better.

Hmm thanks.

You’re welcome.