Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Now he just has to agree to those arrangements. It’s in his interests

Yes. Well, I will force him to. He will have no choice but to agree. I am going to make sure of it. I will put my foot down and will tell him NO WAY am I remaining on this car lease after we are divorced.

Next, I am speaking with a divorce lawyer today to learn about my legal options.

I JUST spoke with a divorce lawyer. I feel SLIGHTLY better! I have an advocate, who could also be a mediator for me AND a lawyer. I found her through a friend who referred me. She's in fact a part of my larger social circle but we've never met. So she may end up doing me favors.

It was really good to talk it through with a legal advisor finally.

I'm petrified, nervous and excited all at the same time.

What happens if he blows up at me again and I end the marriage right then and there, as I've usually tried to do?? What then? Do i back down yet again, and wait for a calm moment to then tell him it's over?

Well you are in control of what you do. If he blows up, you don’t have to say anything. If you are ready to end it, then you end it but if not, just ignore him until you are ready

Yes.... good point!!!!! I will see how this plays out. I know myself and when he blows up at me, I always end up telling him the marriage is over.

#%^*#%!!

We went for dinner. Take out. And on the drive he tells me how much he loves me, that I’m his best friend and how couples do argue sometimes but still love each other. All I could say was, what happened the other day is NOT ok.

How the hell am I going to tell him, when the time comes, that I am divorcing him??? This charade I am putting on right now is not fun. It's wearing on me.

Not trivialize or sound callous, but I dated several men who believed or at least told me that I was their best friend and love of their lives, and after I left them continued pursued me begging me to come back BUT it didn’t mean they were right matches for me or that I had to come back and be with them. Not at all. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Plus talk is cheap. He doesn’t really behave like you are his best friend at all. I sure never yell or cuss at my friends or say F you to them. And he needs to stop getting take outs and start saving for paying you back what he owes. He does say a lot of things. His words don’t match his actions.

Agreed.

I definitely am not back tracking though. All I was saying is I kept my mouth shut, thinking that I have to tell him I am divorcing him and how uncomfortable it made me feel when he said that because I'm keeping things even keel right now and am not rocking the boat. I am just going through the motions and I am pretending. It's what I have to do. Though I am not being overtly affectionate with him at all and I have backed off. He doesn't even notice this.

He's so volatile that I don't want to cause any waves, especially when I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row.

I am wide awake with worry and fear. How will I get him to leave? How will I get him to refinance or make a trade -in with his car?? How will I get him to agree to that when I’ve told him I’m leaving him and when he’s all pissed off as a result? How am I going to pull this off???? I’m worried. Not backing down, but just worried.

I barely slept. I am full of angst, fear and worry. I don't know how to proceed. We almost broke up on his bday because he started yet another fight If he does this yet again, it's likely that I will call it quits right then and there. The only reason I didn't follow through last weekend is because I hadn't spoken with a lawyer yet, I don't have all my ducks in a row yet, and he said I was a horrible person for breaking up with him on his bday.

I am REALLY struggling. I am scared to DEATH right now -- of everything. Of this whole process, of telling him and of trying to get out of this car lease.

Just had a second conversation with the same divorce lawyer. She got frustrated with me in this call, and I feel she isn't explaining the process clearly at all. I am calling a different lawyer for a new consultation. I need someone to explain things CLEARLY to me and in simple terms. The first woman sounds almost disorganized with her thoughts. I don't think I want to use her., even IF she is a friend of a friend. I don't feel good about her, even if she's telling me she will get me through this process.

Is she charging you for these conversations? If this is a second conversation and she isn’t on retainer, then she might be frustrated with having to provide free explanations. Unless you hired her, you can’t expect her to explain the process beyond few suggestions. Even if she is a friend of a friend. You have to hire them to get the explanations. Sometimes first consultation is free but nothing more.

I did not hire her yet. Yes, perhaps it was overstepping the bounds to have a second conversation without hiring her yet, but in the first, she told me to reach out again for anything, so I did.