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  #1  
Old Jun 10, 2020, 06:02 PM
mithc9109 mithc9109 is offline
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Location: UK
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We were in a relationship for about a year and then both decided to break up due to there being too many differences between us in terms of values and religion etc.
Before she moved in with me, she told her family about me, which was a big deal for her because she had kept it a secret for so long because she was scared about how they would react (they are very religious Pakistanis with strict cultural rules and I am white British). They did not react well and through fear she had to lock herself in the bathroom and there was also some violence. She was living with her mum and then got kicked out and then she lived with me. (She had some counselling/therapy with a safeguarding officer in the local hospital who advised not to go home because she has been a victim of abuse) A few months after this we broke up and decided we couldn't do it anymore( prior to this we had times where we nearly broke up, I realise now that it would never have worked and none of us have much relationship experience). The break up was 6-7 months ago and she still lives with me in a flat as a friend. In a few months time she will come to the end of her university degree programme and will be able to get a job, she says she wants to then move out and get her own flat so that we can live apart and move on (but still keep in touch). Ever since she moved out her mum has been calling her trying to get her to come back home, even saying things that make her feel guilty (e.g. saying she has been crying all night until 4am and even telling her that she has been in hospital due to the pain... Which was a big lie...). I think it is horrible what she is having to go through There are also many more sad things that have happened where police have needed to be involved etc.

I have to add one more key bit of information which is the fact that she is very confused about what to do in a few months. Some days she says she will move out and get a flat and try to meet up with her family in public places where she will feel more safe. But some days she is desperate to go back home with her family, she misses her mum more than anyone, she says her mum is a good person who has just been corrupted by toxic ideas and culture. She also sometimes wants to go back to her family home because she is scared of living alone (she has one friend who she hardly meets these days and is scared that if she loses her family she will have no one else left) . So finally my question is what do I do? And what should she do? I think that she shouldn't go home because there is a risk she will get all this abuse again! And she won't be free, she always says that she feels trapped living with her mum at home and that she has no freedom. She is often tempted to just go home and do this to "make her family happy". I don't feel this is the right thing to do at all? Surely any qualified therapist / counsellor would agree? The other option is that she moves into a flat by herself, this option scares and her and she is worried she will be completely alone! Which option should she choose? Please help us deal with this, this last year has been tough for both of us. We both want to move on but can't. What's worse is that today the company who ownes the flat I stay in has found out she is living with me and want to talk to me on the phone tomorrow because the flat is for one person, two people are not allowed. Many thanks for your time

Last edited by bluekoi; Jun 10, 2020 at 07:55 PM. Reason: Add trigger icon.

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  #2  
Old Jun 11, 2020, 04:15 AM
Iloivar Iloivar is offline
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Damn, im sorry for what both of you are going through, sounds like a difficult situation and if I were in your shoes I probably wouldn't know what to do either.

I agree that her moving in with her parents doesn't seem to be in her best interest from what you've told us.

A few things im curious about is, is she still in counselling/therapy? If yes, did she bring up the concerns she shared with you to her counselor/therapist? If not, im guessing theres a good reason for that. Would she be interested in resuming therapy?

Also, im just curious is there a reason she's restricting herself to those 2 options? Are there no others available? Like moving in with roommates, or perhaps staying with you a bit longer? If of course you'd be fine with that. But im guessing she wants to move on cause the break up is still a bit fresh?

As to what you can do, well, from my perspective there isn't much you can do. You can give advice, listen, validate her feelings, express your concerns, maybe even try as hard as you can to dissuade her from a certain action etc, but ultimately she could end up going back home despite what you and the therapist have said. In which case, all you can do is be a supportive friend.
  #3  
Old Jun 11, 2020, 04:56 AM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
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So since your company doesn’t want two people in your flat, she can’t stay with you. You don’t want to lose your place over this. I don’t recommend she goes back to abusive parents. I do think she would be better off living with rooomstes. I’d help her to find a room in someone’s house or flat that is shared by other young ladies, college students of young professionals. Is it possible?
Thanks for this!
MsLady
  #4  
Old Jun 11, 2020, 03:16 PM
MsLady MsLady is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I don’t recommend she goes back to abusive parents.

I do think she would be better off living with rooomates. I’d help her to find a room in someone’s house or flat that is shared by other young ladies, college students of young professionals.
This was my thinking, too. She needs to feel safe and face her fears. So, if living alone is too much, college/university roommates would be perfect.
  #5  
Old Jun 12, 2020, 02:03 PM
mithc9109 mithc9109 is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2020
Location: UK
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Thank you everyone for your kind words, I really do appreciate people who come on here and help people out. With regards to the therapist, she does not see the therapist anymore, she thinks it is not worth it to keep going because she says the therapist has given all the help she can give and that she understands her options. I like the roommates idea although I tried that idea a while ago and she brushed it off by saying she would struggle to live with strangers as she has cleaning OCD and would stress out at the slightest bit of mess and she also has a bit (not a lot) of social anxiety and struggles to make new friends. I agree though that this may be the best option in this scenario, when I lived with roommates I made friends for life, it's just difficult to motivate someone to "start over" when they feel like they've lost everyone in life, thanks again
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