[canadien]

Hello there Guys;

I have so many interests and Hobbies I forego because she is not interested; How do I make her understand that we can encourage and participate on both of our activities and hobbies that we like. I follow sports, do shopping, listen to Audio Books and go to Gym; Play video games. Yet, she likes cooking and talking and nothing else; She watches dance and other Hindi videos but that's where it stops.

She really does not have something that she enjoys spending time on other than talking and cooking even that is hard to come by because she is hurt for losing her best friend because I made it stop as she was becoming too much emotionally involved with another men.

She says this has always been her characteristic which is to be sad and being depressed; How do I convince her to be more bubbly and smiling?

It seems she is carrying lot of pain and resentment against me and I do not wish our relation to be identified in that way; How do I make her to stop beliefs that negatively affects our relation?

She says that only our Baby boys happiness matters to her now and she does not know or want to be happy herself.

I feel guilty and helpless as I want to have an enjoyable life and experience with her but she keeps reaffirming this negative beliefs that's is affecting our relation and counter productive to helping in our Marriage recovery.

[Open Eyes]

Depression isn't something you can JUST do something to "change or cheer up". Also, it's simply not productive to expect her to develop a passion for the things you are passionate about.

If she is passionate about cooking and food than it's important to respect that. And never say anything to shame her for not sharing the passions YOU happen to have. People who struggle with depression only get worse when they are put down for what they like or don't like.

[Rive.]

I find it concerning that you 'made' her stop seeing her best friend. In a healthy marriage or partnership, couples ought to be able to have their own sets of friends and/or activities. Having one partner decide who their spouse can and cannot see is abusive imo.

If she was already sad and depressed, no wonder this would hit her hard. Not only now does she feel cut off and isolated as you cut off a social source of support for her but you now want her to enjoy activities that you enjoy?

There is nothing wrong with her having different hobbies. How about you learn to cook and share what she likes to do?

[Open Eyes]

She says this has always been her characteristic which is to be sad and being depressed; How do I convince her to be more bubbly and smiling?

You clearly do NOT understand what it's like to struggle with depression. No one chooses to struggle with it and they WANT to be able to feel bubbly and cheerful. Depression isn't about someone actually "choosing" to feel bad and struggle.

[Have Hope]

I don't think it's right or fair that you cut her off from her best friend, expect her to want to participate in the activities YOU enjoy and be bubbly when it's not her personality. Seems like you're very controlling and demanding in this relationship. No wonder she's sad and depressed. She likes to talk and you took that away from her by taking away her best friend! And no wonder she resents you! I would too!

[canadien]

Originally Posted by Rive.

I find it concerning that you 'made' her stop seeing her best friend. In a healthy marriage or partnership, couples ought to be able to have their own sets of friends and/or activities. Having one partner decide who their spouse can and cannot see is abusive imo.

If she was already sad and depressed, no wonder this would hit her hard. Not only now does she feel cut off and isolated as you cut off a social source of support for her but you now want her to enjoy activities that you enjoy?

There is nothing wrong with her having different hobbies. How about you learn to cook and share what she likes to do?

The Friend got too close for comfort; I was OK for the friendship until they got too much attached to each other; He was married and successful with 2 kids; and he connected like a soul mate for my wife.

U can say that my wife was in love with this men; he was calling and meeting everyday; she become distant to all her cousins and friends and they could not pass a moment without each other; This was hard for me because he is part of my extended family.

I knew his family well and did lots of Christmas, BBQ and vacations together with his family.

Its just later I learned that he became distant from his wife as she wanted her own freedom; This in a way took my wife away from me because he was looking for a companion to invest time and attention in and my wife it seems was a perfect candidate.

I know I took away her best friend and turned her life upside down; but I just do not know any other way to find peace with myself.

I am just trying to find a way to I reach that same level of connection with her as her friend?

She seems depressed for losing her best friend and person she connected to most emotionally; and I struggle everyday to find a reason to do the right thing and make peace with myself

[unaluna]

Oh, i see. Did not realize "best friend" was male friend possibly getting divorce.

She needs to find new best friend, new interests. And to re-interest herself in her own family. What are goals and interests as a family, and for each person in the family?

Its harder to implement now because of pandemic, but perhaps you can both search internet etc for education or groups of interest. Or take quizzes to figure out what interests you, individually, separately.

[Open Eyes]

The two of you may need to see a marriage counselor for this challenge.

[MsLady]

What do you see as a "gaslighting effect"? I feel like your post didn't address the title.

If she enjoys cooking, can she start an at-home business?