[greenthiefling]

I've always had a really good relationship with my parents, they've been incredibly supportive of me throughout my life. I'm a queer woman who dresses alternatively and has suffered from mental health issues from a young age, and they've always been supportive, telling me that they'll always love and support me and that they just want me to be happy.

My parents both grew up in complicated households. My father was the eldest of five boys, and often had to step in to keep the peace and take responsibility for his four younger brothers - especially one, who was disruptive and actively sought to cause issues. My mother was the youngest of three sisters, who had an aggressive, abusive alcoholic father, and was always stepping in to keep the peace.

Both of my parents were responsible for making sure their households didn't erupt into warfare, particularly my mother, who was the only one of her sisters to avoid sexual abuse. As a result, both are actively conflict-avoidant, and will avoid arguments. My father was in an accident several years ago which left him paralysed, which has only exacerbated the issue.

Enter my brother. Anxious by nature, highly emotionally intelligent but with selective empathy. He has had anger issues from a very young age, and as he's grown older, my parents have increasingly subscribed to the 'he'll grow out of it' mentality.

From very early on, my role became the same as theirs. Don't rock the boat, keep the peace at all costs. If my brother lost his temper and lashed out, the immediate response - especially from my father - was to ask what I did.

Two years ago, the conflict between my brother suddenly escalated. The issues he'd been dealing with got markedly worse, and he took it all out on me. I've always been the target of his anger, always been the one to wear it. He's never physically harmed me, but he's made a point of ensuring that I don't have any power - and verbally confirmed as much. It got to a point where I was completely unable to deescalate a situation, because he would take literally anything I did as an excuse to blow up.

My brother has admitted to my parents within earshot of me that he enjoys 'putting me in my place'. He threatened me with knives, verbally abused me, hacked my computer and accounts to monitor what I was saying about him, told me in vivid detail how he would dismember me. I had pots and even the vacuum cleaner thrown at me - always past my head, never directly at me, as I believe he knew that physically harming me might be the incentive my parents needed to intervene.

I ended up abruptly moving out as I feared for my safety, and worried that the day he did finally physically hurt me would be the day I got stabbed or had my head smashed in.

That was a year and a half ago, and as far as everybody else is concerned, my moving out solved all problems. I tried pushing for family counselling at one stage, but my brother refused to go, and my parents didn't want to make him - a common theme in my family.

It's been a year since then, and I'm becoming increasingly drained by interactions with my family. My brother refuses to even acknowledge that there was ever a problem and pretends as if he's my best friend, my father alternates between sending me the occasional message and trying to make grand gestures of love, and my mother. She's the hardest, because we've always been very close, but I always feel as if every interaction has this undertone of 'please forgive me, I'm sorry, I'm not a terrible parent, I love you so much please come back to me.'

It's hard, because in a very short space of time, I went from being incredibly close to everyone to suddenly becoming faced with issues that none of us wanted to acknowledge, and a part of me still craves that close, loving family connection. My current housemate happens to be my best friend's mother, a woman with a background in domestic violence, abuse counselling and conflict resolution, and while she tries to hide it from me, I know that she - and my friend - are incredibly on edge about my relationship with my parents, and don't like my family much at all.

Everything I can find online about family dynamics is related to narcissistic parents, which I don't feel applies - I would classify my mother in particular as almost the opposite, as she's incredibly empathetic and tries very hard to make sure everyone else around her is well cared for. In that respect we're very similar, and I think one of the reasons she's so upset lately is because a part of her recognizes that I've taken on the exact same family role that she once did, albeit for different reasons, and that much like her mother, she's chosen to ignore an issue for fear of what confronting it might mean.

I'm so tired of feeling conflicted about my family, I hate dreading contact with them, and I feel guilty about the fact that when my parents try to reach out to me or do nice things for me, I just feel resentful. I don't know what to do, and the thought of cutting them off makes me feel like I've just been stabbed.

Has anyone else been in a position like this, and how did you manage it? Could anyone possibly recommend some reading material? I've tried researching, but can't find anything useful.

I'm so tired of feeling conflicted about my family, I hate dreading contact with them, and I feel guilty about the fact that when my parents try to reach out to me or do nice things for me, I just feel resentful. I don't know what to do, and the thought of cutting them off makes me feel like I've just been stabbed.

Has anyone else been in a position like this, and how did you manage it? Could anyone possibly recommend some reading material? I've tried researching, but can't find anything useful.

You will find many PC members with similar family dynamics here, is my guess. I'm one of those people. Family therapy won't necessarily solve the dysfunction in your family system. It does sound like your parents and brother have triangulated you (left you out, as the family scapegoat), to keep the focus off of themselves and on you. Most toxic family systems have the one healthy family member who becomes the scapegoat (victim). The other family members are so traumatized with their own problems, that they refuse to look at themselves or take responsibility for how their problems effect other people. So, they look for the closest victim; the scapegoat of the family who is the most mentally healthy person who isn't afraid to be themselves (this terrifies the other family members, fyi). And, they attack the scapegoat, verbally, emotionally, physically...just to keep the focus off of themselves because they have so much self-loathing.

I'm my family's scapegoat. The way I managed is, after my family tried family therapy for about 6 sessions at my behest, they quit because the family therapist called them each out about their toxic behaviors. So, rather than stay and try to repair our relationships with each other, they each quit. That was all I needed from them, to realize that I have to leave them all behind and recreate a family system with other people who come into my life.

You can suggest family counseling but don't expect them all the agree to it. They will be forced to acknowledge their contribution to the dysfunctional family system and most are unwilling to do that, even with the help of a family therapist.

Otherwise, you can draw strong boundaries with your parents and brother about your interactions with them. For example, don't plan on attending any family gatherings with them ever again. Stay away from them at the holidays. Don't go to the house for their birthdays or any events where they will be. It will be difficult and feel strange at first, but you get used to it. I have been estranged from my family for a long time and I no longer dwell on "what once was."

If you really want to spend time with them, you call the shots. You can tell your parents, that you will only see them at your place without your brother, for example. Cut your brother out of your life completely. He is a danger to your emotional and physical well-being. Just because they are your family does not mean you are required to take in their abuse. Family estrangement. Sibling estrangement. There is a lot of research online about this topic, and you can read about coping strategies. Good luck.

[MsLady]

First off, your post brought tears to my eyes. I've read and participated in many posts here and this is a first for me. I want to send you virtual hugs, off the bat.

I recently purchased a book called, "It Didn't Start with You", by Mark Wolynn. You might be interested in it because it talks about generational trauma and how it affects future generations. Reading your story made me think of it. I didn't pick up on the narcissism, either.

Your parents seem to be struggling with unresolved trauma. As young children, they were forced to mediate traumatic scenarios beyond their means. They didn't have the resources to work with so all they could do was maintain that peace. How they handled your brother was very much in the same way -- limited. They likely need individual therapy to address this before being able to support you in the way you're needing it. Do you think they'll be willing to? That's my opinion, anyway.

One relief for sure is you're living in a supportive environment now. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to tap into professional support (for lack of a better explanation) with the parent you're living with, though. Despite her professional experience, she's too connected to you to be able to be objective. Saying your parents are "narcissistic" is an example of that. She cares about you and I worry that her professional advice is a bit clouded now. Again, my opinion.

Would it help if you saw a therapist with your parents? Is it possible to visit with them, apart from your brother? This may be a starting ground and an opportunity to hear what they have to say.

Your brother sounds unstable so I don't think it's in your best interest.. physically, mentally, or emotionally to be near him. Yes, he's been abusive towards you. There's a zero difference between throwing a pot "at your head" vs "near your head". They both instill fear and pain to the victim. I suspect he has some mental health or personality disorder of some kind, he'll need to address for himself. It was not your fault.

With regards to your parents asking your brother what "you did" when he was in escalation mode.. I suspect that was a strategy they adopted to buy his interest. If he felt they were siding with him, the risk decreases in the moment. "Don't piss off the unstable" was possibly their mentality. If he doesn't want to attend therapy now, it's possible he didn't want to then, either. The conversation you overheard made me think they tried to reason with him with respect to you. No one can make him care, though. The problem is his.. and perhaps he, too, is a victim of generational trauma.

I hope all the best for you and am sorry for your struggles.

[greenthiefling]

Originally Posted by Motts

I'm my family's scapegoat. The way I managed is, after my family tried family therapy for about 6 sessions at my behest, they quit because the family therapist called them each out about their toxic behaviors. So, rather than stay and try to repair our relationships with each other, they each quit. That was all I needed from them, to realize that I have to leave them all behind and recreate a family system with other people who come into my life.

You can suggest family counseling but don't expect them all the agree to it. They will be forced to acknowledge their contribution to the dysfunctional family system and most are unwilling to do that, even with the help of a family therapist.

Honestly, I have attempted the family counseling route once before - my parents both readily agreed, but refused to engage with my brother about it. I tried a roundabout tactic for convincing him, trying to come from the angle of doing it for my dad, who's in a hard place lately, but I suspect he saw right through me. It wasn't until very recently that I realised that his comments about our parents finances were a way to dissuade me from pushing it any further... which worked.

I am afraid that this is exactly what will happen, and that even if I do somehow manage to get them to family counselling, that it won't last - my brother will be the first to ditch, in that scenario, quickly followed by my dad. Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by MsLady

Would it help if you saw a therapist with your parents? Is it possible to visit with them, apart from your brother? This may be a starting ground and an opportunity to hear what they have to say.

Thank you so much for the kind words - I'll look into the book you recommended, it sounds like just the kind of thing I've been looking for. I have considered pursuing family counseling with my parents, even if it's just them at first, if only to force them to recognise the issues within the family - I strongly suspect I won't be able to convince them otherwise. My parents are open to hearing what I have to say, but actually getting them to do anything about it is another matter entirely.

Plus, frankly, I think everybody in my family could use some counseling. I know my dad sees someone semi-regularly, but he always holds back - he's the type to see things as 'not relevant' and not want to open up to someone about them. That said, getting everybody to go and see someone individually, in addition to family counseling... I'll try to aim for family counseling, first, and see where I get.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by greenthiefling

Thank you so much for the kind words - I'll look into the book you recommended, it sounds like just the kind of thing I've been looking for. I have considered pursuing family counseling with my parents, even if it's just them at first, if only to force them to recognise the issues within the family - I strongly suspect I won't be able to convince them otherwise. My parents are open to hearing what I have to say, but actually getting them to do anything about it is another matter entirely.

Plus, frankly, I think everybody in my family could use some counseling. I know my dad sees someone semi-regularly, but he always holds back - he's the type to see things as 'not relevant' and not want to open up to someone about them. That said, getting everybody to go and see someone individually, in addition to family counseling... I'll try to aim for family counseling, first, and see where I get.

I'm only a chapter into the book so far. A friend of mine recommended it and said it was a definite worthwhile read. I hope it helps.

As for counseling, it would be great to have your parents on board but it sounds like you've already tried this. Maybe what needs to happen instead is for you to attend counseling alone so you can learn to be at peace and accept the past as it was? Maybe through your own healing process, your parents' triggers won't affect you as much and you'll manage at a more positive level. It's a hopeful idea, anyway.

Personally, I'd have a no-contact with your brother for as long as he's in denial about his role in everything. He may be a victim of circumstance (as the book may point out) but it doesn't give him rights to abuse others. We can't blame our dysfunctional childhood upbringing and do absolutely nothing about it as an excuse to live carelessly.