[Have Hope]

I am starting a new thread.

I am preparing to divorce my abusive and volatile husband. I am working hard right now to get all my ducks in a row, including legal paperwork to present, before telling him.

Because he's explosive, unreasonable, childish and retaliatory, I am afraid of telling him and I am afraid of what his reaction will be. I am worried he will throw objects or become violent by hitting a wall or some object.

I am trying to hire a legal mediator. I am working on this. I have to also somehow get out a car lease that I co-signed for him, so I want to talk to a lawyer about getting that included in the legal agreement.

I am freaking out though. I have not eaten, and I have not slept. All I feel is fear and anxiety.

This is truly a horrendous experience that I would never wish upon anyone.

And I do not know how this will all come about: in the next explosive episode? Or during a calm moment when I am ready? Each time he explodes., I've almost ended the marriage.

[divine1966]

I recommend you have someone with you when present him with information if you don’t feel safe.

If you threatened divorce before, I don’t recommend you do it during a fight. He’d not take is seriously.

[Have Hope]

Yeah, I don't know. That could cause him to get angry, feel humiliated and retaliate. I need him to agree to help me get out of the car lease. I'm thinking it needs to be said during a calmer moment as well, and after I get all ducks in a row first.

[divine1966]

You said you worry he might throw objects or become violent. That’s why I suggested to have someone with you. Personally I’d not ever be alone with anyone who can throw things or punch stuff or get violent (unless it’s a part of my job description).

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You said you worry he might throw objects or become violent. That’s why I suggested to have someone with you. Personally I’d not ever be alone with anyone who can throw things or punch stuff or get violent (unless it’s a part of my job description).

Yes, that's my fears talking. The only thing he actually did once was slam the drawers in our bedroom dresser during a fight. I've never seen him throw objects, so it's my fears only.

[Have Hope]

The reality of divorce is settling in, and I feel sooooo deeply saddened by it. There are good parts of him too, but I cannot take the bad with the good, and the bad outweighs the good by far. I must divorce him, and I must let him go. It's saddening though and very heart wrenching.

[Have Hope]

I’m so tense around him, I’m being quiet and less affectionate, I’m always tired and want to go to bed early and he’s not even noticed the changes in me.

I’m pretending everything is ok but it’s not. He has no idea I’m planning a divorce and I won’t tell him until I’m ready. I feel guilty. But then I think of how much he’s bullied me and terrorized me with his tantrums and explosions turning into abusive tirades, well, it’s for the best.

[~Christina]

Do you have a place to move out to? or will he need to move out?

Regardless do you have a safe place to go once you tell him you are filing for divorce and there is no way you will change your mind???

Stay safe

[divine1966]

I’d say you need to buy some type of bed for your second bedroom unless your couch is good enough for now or you have to make arrangements with your parents to stay there. Lots of people stay in the same place until one can move out or place is sold etc but you won’t share a bedroom so you have to plan that. So you have to prepare for some type of separation after he is served with divorce papers or was made aware you are filling for divorce

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Do you have a place to move out to? or will he need to move out?

Regardless do you have a safe place to go once you tell him you are filing for divorce and there is no way you will change your mind???

Stay safe

I'm going to try to get him to move out. If he doesn't, then we're stuck in a lease until next June and have to live separated.

I could stay with my parents for a. night or two after I tell him. But I also don't want him disappearing on me and leaving quickly.

He has said many times that if things broke up between us, he will move to his parents' in Florida. Now I want to take him up on that idea.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I’d say you need to buy some type of bed for your second bedroom unless your couch is good enough for now or you have to make arrangements with your parents to stay there. Lots of people stay in the same place until one can move out or place is sold etc but you won’t share a bedroom so you have to plan that. So you have to prepare for some type of separation after he is served with divorce papers or was made aware you are filling for divorce

Yeah, I gotta figure that part out. The best place for me to sleep is the living room. My parents have (I hope they still have) a blowup mattress I could maybe borrow.

[divine1966]

I’d not sleep on a blow up mattress beyond few nights, I don’t find them comfortable at all. IKEA has fold up sofa beds that look like love seats when folded, they take very little place as they aren’t like sleeper sofas, they unfold differently: part where you sit on when folded is not length, it’s width of the bed. When unfolded they are full size beds, fit two people if not too big lol.

They are very inexpensive and we’ve been happy with it for a guest room. Although I see if you don’t have out of town guests, it will be a waste later. I just can’t imagine sleeping on air mattress much

[TunedOut]

Have Hope
I understand how scary this must be... In order to successfully do this, you first must get yourself in a place both physically and mentally where you feel safe. Some people use scare tactics as a strategic weapon. There are other weapons too (and they might not be evil, just desparate to keep you) like getting us to drink, use pot, etc in order to delay the separation. In my case, while I began pursuing a divorce a few years ago, my MI was so bad that I was imagining my husband as a person who was more terrible than he really is. My anxiety had sent me over the edge. I am not saying this is you but felt the need to present all sides of the situation. Create distance from him while keeping the lines of communication open (through a mediator?) so you can think clearly.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I’d not sleep on a blow up mattress beyond few nights, I don’t find them comfortable at all. IKEA has fold up sofa beds that look like love seats when folded, they take very little place as they aren’t like sleeper sofas, they unfold differently: part where you sit on when folded is not length, it’s width of the bed. When unfolded they are full size beds, fit two people if not too big lol.

They are very inexpensive and we’ve been happy with it for a guest room. Although I see if you don’t have out of town guests, it will be a waste later. I just can’t imagine sleeping on air mattress much

I will sleep in the living room. It's the best place. There's a TV and cable, which I want to have when we separate. The second bedroom has no cable and no TV set up. And there's a large broken bed in the second bedroom taking up most of the space. it's not workable. I am a TV junkie and need my cable. It will be Ok and fine short-term, as long as he agrees to move to Florida.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by TunedOut

Have Hope
I understand how scary this must be... In order to successfully do this, you first must get yourself in a place both physically and mentally where you feel safe. Some people use scare tactics as a strategic weapon. There are other weapons too (and they might not be evil, just desparate to keep you) like getting us to drink, use pot, etc in order to delay the separation. In my case, while I began pursuing a divorce a few years ago, my MI was so bad that I was imagining my husband as a person who was more terrible than he really is. My anxiety had sent me over the edge. I am not saying this is you but felt the need to present all sides of the situation. Create distance from him while keeping the lines of communication open (through a mediator?) so you can think clearly.

Thank you!

Yes, my anxiety and fears are through the roof right now. I already deal with an anxiety issue, so this is sending me over the edge. I am talking to people to help keep me level headed, like my therapist, my family and my closest friends.

I am definitely emotionally distancing myself from him. I don't even think he notices. Which says a lot.

[Rive.]

I would have someone with you when you tell him.

If he is known to turn violent or has the potential to do so, maybe stay with someone or have a someone stay with you at your place until he leaves.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Rive.

I would have someone with you when you tell him.

If he is known to turn violent or has the potential to do so, maybe stay with someone or have a someone stay with you at your place until he leaves.

Thank you for the suggestion!.

I came up with an alternative solution. To not even tell him in our apartment where he COULD explode and potentially become violent. I could arrange a dinner out somewhere and present him with divorce papers in public after we've eaten. That way, he cannot explode in front of other people, and I am surrounded and protected by other people.

IF I opt to have a friend present in the apartment with us, it will likely humiliate him to no end, and my fear is that he will then retaliate and won't cooperate with any type of mediation agreement. Then it becomes a contested divorce and nastier not to mention more expensive.

[Rive.]

Good idea to offer the papers in public. Just wondering, will you then both go home together (same car, same house)? Or will someone else drive you home? What if he waits until you are alone to show anger?

I see what you mean re not wanting to humiliate him by having a ‘witness’ present. It makes sense. I just want you to be safe and/or able to get away (escape) if things were to escalate.

How about having someone on stand-by while you tell him (e.g. outside). This way, they could intervene if things were to turn ugly.

Good luck.. and be safe.

[divine1966]

I’d not sit down to eat dinner and then serve him. It will get him mad more than just telling him at home. He’ll be sitting eating not knowing what’s going on. He might think you are inviting him for dinner to be nice etc If you want to do in a public place, do it but right away as you show up in public place. Drive separately. Suggest meeting somewhere after work do he’ll drive his own car

[divine1966]

What is he going to contest? What do you mean by contested? There are no kids so no child support or custody issues. There are no properties or assets or mutual accounts or savings or retirement accounts. It hasn’t been long enough to ask for spousal support. There is nothing to contest.

[Have Hope]

I have weeks to prepare for that day when I tell him. It probably won't happen until sometime after August 2nd.

I haven't thought this through thoroughly. I will have to think on it more and how best to present it to him. But I think somewhere outside the apartment may be best, and somewhere more public.

He will contest my wanting to get my name off his car lease. It's going to be a huge pain in the butt for him to accomplish, and may even require a new down payment, which he cannot afford. The options available most likely require another co-signer. He won't want to do this. but I am going to get it included in the separation agreement and a judge will probably rule in my favor. He could also contest the divorce itself.

[divine1966]

Courts will divorce you even if your spouse doesn’t agree to divorce. Him not agreeing doesn’t mean you must stay married. People aren’t held hostages in their marriage if one person wants a divorce. Times when people objected to divorce and it held power, are over. Judge will divorce you. Sure he might not want to do anything about the car. Judge will decide on that. Sure even after court order, people might drag their feet just to be nasty, he might take his time. If he is the type to be nasty about the car situation then I don’t think it matters if you serve him at home or in public. Just do what feels safer.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Courts will divorce you even if your spouse doesn’t agree to divorce. Him not agreeing doesn’t mean you must stay married. People aren’t held hostages in their marriage if one person wants a divorce. Times when people objected to divorce and it held power, are over. Judge will divorce you. Sure he might not want to do anything about the car. Judge will decide on that. Sure even after court order, people might drag their feet just to be nasty, he might take his time. If he is the type to be nasty about the car situation then I don’t think it matters if you serve him at home or in public. Just do what feels safer.

Yes, but he could make it more costly by contesting a mediation. Then he has to hire a lawyer and so do I. I am trying to use mediation instead of litigation.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Yes, but he could make it more costly by contesting a mediation. Then he has to hire a lawyer and so do I. I am trying to use mediation instead of litigation.

Yes he can. You can’t predict what he will do though. I mean theoretically speaking you should be able to predict what your husband would do in what situation, but I don’t think you can with this man. I understand you worry and imagine all kind of scenarios. But I don’t believe you can avoid whatever is that he is going to do by serving him divorce papers in a certain way. You’ll deal with it when it comes to that

[divine1966]

What does your therapist suggest if anything?