Unhappy Anniversary

Much of this whole problem is my rigid control issues to have things the way I need them to be. Usually, I’m flexible with very much, but how does one sacrifice their sexuality for life?

So my apologies for being a whiner here. Something’s gonna give some day.

Many people remain in unhappy relationships because they fear change or they worry how it will effect the children to separate and divorce. It's actually worse for kids to witness an unhappy marriage that is toxic.

What is sad to me is that you wanted to divorce him long ago, and here you are again, wanting to leave him again yet you find yourself staying and remaining unhappy. Life is meant to be a happy and fulfilling one.

It wasn’t and isn’t a completely unhappy relationship, not even a mostly unhappy one. There has been trauma involving one aspect. I have not given up on trying to resolve, even with doctors help, figuring out what is my MI or his MI, or neither and we’re just incompatible in this area, or desperately trying to learn for us both to improve and able to get along.

What’s right and good is so much that I have not ended it, but true, I do go off and have a real problem here.

When a mother puts the safety of her children before her happiness, which was not my case, but I know this has come up on another thread, she is being the best mother she can be.

I did not leave due to fear over the children’s safety. It was more a feeling that I would have hated to be deprived of being with them because I loved them so much.

Life is not always going to be nothing but happy and fulfilling. Does anybody have a life like that? True, I am suffering more than I ever thought I would. Is this for me to learn something? Will I ever learn to do whatever will give me real peace? IDK life’s purpose.

Right now is a pandemic. I am with my loved ones. Where am I going? We’ll keep at it with therapists and see where this journey takes us.

Yes, I do think life can be generally happy and fulfilling. Why can't it be? Plenty of happy and fulfilled people in this world. I personally know many who are happy. Life may not always be a bed of roses and comes with its challenges and ups and downs, but people can be happy both in their marriage and in life overall.

But only you know what's right and best for you. None of us witness your marriage nor are we a part of your life. All we know is what you say on here about it. I don't think a situation that involves trauma within the relationship is a healthy one though. And if you're not sexually compatible after ALL these years, and that's bringing trauma for you? To me, that would be enough to want to separate. But that's just me.

If you are happy and fine, then all is good. But if you're really not happy and not fine, then either resolve it with the therapist, make a change or divorce in the end. I would just hate to see you continue suffering needlessly and wasting more years of your life being unhappy and miserable. That's all. I care about people's happiness.

It sounds like you are frustrated with me. I have been doing exactly what you are saying. I occasionally start a post when I have a meltdown and seek support.

Not frustrated, just confused. You say you’re unhappy and miserable then you back down and say you’re not. It’s confusing.

I didn’t back down and say I’m not. I do vacillate with my feelings.

I understand. Hugs.

“Vacillation between idealization and devaluation
A specific type of black-or-white thinking is the tendency to vacillate between over-idealizing, then completely devaluing, other people or oneself. This thinking pattern can be summarized by the statement, "If you are not entirely good, then you must be entirely bad.”

You prompted me to look up vacillating in personality disorders: above is the result.

Now I don’t totally idealize then devalue. There is a problem and I see it accurately.

I vacillate how I feel about him because there are feelings of love about so much and this problem is severe. I am being very careful to make the right choice and not end what may be a severely problematic issue within a good relationship because I have a mental health problem. Until I get real answers and treatment to work or not, I’m not running away.

I had no trouble breaking up with boyfriends that I didn’t have strong enough feelings for and thought they’’d make a poor partner.

I do understand. At the beginning of this thread you were saying it’s over and that you told him you don’t love him. I’ve been trying to go with how you feel, but I do see that you vacillate and that things have shifted. But yes, there is a real problem. Sexual incompatibility is not going to be due to a mental health issue, however. Neither is the fact that you want him to defend you and back you up, ie have your back, and he does not and refuses to even though you’ve asked him. I also recall in other threads that you’ve said he gaslights you? These are all big issues and have nothing to do with mental illness. When you have a mental illness it’s easy to try to place blame on the illness rather than on the differences and issues between you. Your PD probably causes you to vacillate, but it’s not the cause of these very real incompatibilities.

The problems may be a combination of all of the above. . Thanks for helping figure this out. Of course, I do want to stop feeling miserable.

You're welcome.

I hope the therapist can help you sort this all out. What I see you doing is displacing responsibility and ownership of his bad behaviors onto your own mental health issues.

Also, in response, it is OK to want your husband to have your back, and you don't need to blame your own issues of abandonment and PTSD as being the cause. His actions may trigger these emotions for you, but his lack of desire to have your back, even when you ask for it from him, will also lead to disappointment, resentment and anger. I would be most upset if I had asked my husband to defend me more, and if he refused to do so. I would be resentful because he's not accommodating something I want, need and ask from him. Love and relationships involve doing things for each other out of love for one another. And if one partner asks and says I really need this from you, a truly loving partner would accommodate that need and desire. But not your husband.... that to me comes across as needlessly cruel on his part. That is not loving behavior.

And if you can never call him out on his bad behavior because he conveniently always forgets? How convenient for him that he can get away with the bad behavior because you can never talk about it with him and he never has to own up to it.

Again, that's more cruelty and is in fact, abusive. He's evading being responsible for his poor behaviors. That leaves you powerless, and. him having all the control.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is the act of manipulating someone using psychological efforts to make them question their own sanity. It is a severe form of emotional abuse that often leads them to question their own memories, thoughts or events that have happened. If the behavior is not stopped, it can result in a victim doubting and losing their own sense of identity and self-worth.

Gaslighting: A Sneaky Kind Of Emotional Abuse | Betterhelp

If I asked him to bring home milk from the store, he would because he could. There were a few incidents where I had a meltdown because he didn’t have my back, and this is over the course of the whole marriage. Yet they were significant to me.

His parents were the most mild mannered people who never stood up to anyone, so that’s where he learned to be so passive.

The first time, I was treated really rudely and I imagined that when he heard, he’d call the person in charge and complain about how they treated his wife and at least get an apology. That’s all I wanted or expected. But he had no clue that was even an option. He had no role models do this.

Now, I could have called myself, but I wanted him to be my defender here. I guess this speaks to my issues, but I also think it’s a pretty common scenario.

After a lot of crying and fighting with him, I shamed him into finally calling someone to talk to and complain. We went together to talk to the person who ridiculously said that he had no authority and ‘that’s what you get with volunteers’ (it was the President of an organization who treated me horribly).

Incident two was he stood by and watched me have a nervous breakdown when my whole FOO turned on me and didn’t think to call any of them himself and try to make peace. I finally shamed him for help, which was to no avail. My sister has never spoken to me again for the past two years over nothing and we were very close.

The final one was he went out anyway with his friends when I refused to go because his friend treated me horribly. It was a business deal, and by treating me this way he really moreso treated my husband worse (to show such disrespect to his wife). This was my thanks after calling off the divorce.

Those are really the only meltdowns I had over betrayal, thankfully. My take is he just doesn’t possess the quality I long for in a partner in that area and I was probably wrong to even shame him into standing up for me in the first place.

I’m not defending him. I think it sucks. But you don’t get everything you want in a partner. I just wish it hadn’t set me off so badly with hysteria.

Oh wait... the time we were mid divorce and he wouldn’t say anything to our son about buying the engagement ring without calling me first like I asked.
Eventually our son emotionally abandoned us and this incident was a red flag. Such a sore subject! Arghhhhhh!!!!

I've heard that we typically get 70-80% of what we need with a partner. So maybe he sucks in that regard, and you cannot have your needs met in that way.

At the same time, in my opinion, he should have WANTED to do this for you BECAUSE YOU ASKED IT OF HIM. That is what love entails. If my husband saw me break down in hysterics, he would do ANYTHING to help me to feel better, including calling someone to defend my honor. And that is the truth. Proper role modeling or not, I still think it was cruel of him to say he won't do something for you.. you were then placed in a position to beg and plead and shame him into it.

And gaslighting IS a form of emotional abuse.

Nope, he put himself first because he hates confrontation and has no empathy for me having a break down. After the first meltdown and discussion about why, he still never learned and then stepped up the next time. These examples of the ‘not have my back’ issue are a very small thing relatively to the intimacy issue.

I told the therapist everything, even wrote it all down for him in a timeline. It’ll be interesting to see what he thinks. I have got to figure out real answers!

Take the one I said about him going out with the friends without me while I was hysterical because his friend was horrible to me. He completely agreed his friend had been outrageously horrible, but he chose him over me. Wouldn’t you have been livid?

Yes, I would have been enraged by that. It shows zero respect for YOU, choosing his friend over you.

I just had to forgive him and move on.

I guess so. I wouldn't be able to forgive that, personally. But then again, I demand 100% respect in. my relationships. I don't let disrespect slide at all. If someone disregards me, they will hear about it.

Oh, he heard about it! i guess I am pleased with myself for being able to get past it. Although, I am still hurt about it. He did apologize after I raised hell later and hasn’t talked to that friend, as far as I know. Actually, he said he was sorry he lost the friend because I did business with him... and it was TOTALLY this friend’s fault.

But I am stumped as to why he wouldn’t have been mad at this friend on his own. The way his friend treated me was totally unnecessary. He did it for sport, honestly. It was a reflection of his disrespect for any human other than himself, even his nearly life long buddy. Why didn’t my h take such offense that he would have refused to see his ‘friend’? His friend showed his true colors as not a friend. Still, my h said nothing.

He has few friends. So do I for that matter. Maybe he just didn’t want to lose a friend, even though he really isn’t a good one, just to have a friend? Yes, that must be it.

Still, he could have told his friend he was ‘too rough’ on me and suggest he apologize (having my back) and I would have been fine with his friend if he had simply apologized, even if it was insincere.

Well, my husband did something along the same lines once. Not as rough as your experience was, but along similar lines. I gave him a lot of hell for it, and he understood where I was coming from eventually. And yes, your husband should have taken offense to what his friend had said and done. That is the gentlemanly way to perceive insults made against one's wife.

Yes, and it’s an insult to my husband for his friend’s treatment of his wife. His friend had no regard for him. If my friend had treated my family horribly (and it was), I’d have taken that personally, told them I was disappointed in them and said they owe x an apology.

But my h does not have those thoughts in his head. I can’t even think of any other examples when this happened, though. We’ve been pretty good at avoiding much conflict. At least, he has, lol...

IDK, maybe I wouldn’t confront them. Maybe i’d Just stop being their friend. I can’t imagine my best friends doing what he did.

Tisha, perhaps you see people more clearly than your H does most of the time. In the past, in regards to my children, I viewed them way too idealistically. I would get mad at my H for correcting them when they showed disrespect towards me yet, he put himself out there because he couldn't stand seeing people take advantage of me! It took being taken advantage of to an extreme degree for me to finally see. Only when their behavior got really extreme for way too long, did I finally see that they didn't always have my back, but he always did! I would focus on the angry words he would say out of frustration over me not seeing what was obvious to him. They would say the angry words proved he was a terrible person! But he is not. His deeds were more caring than mine were. I am so grateful that I finally see that. I am so grateful that he stuck with me even though he was the better partner. Sometimes we can be so blind to what should be so obvious. Your H is extremely lucky you haven't already left! Some day he will see it, but I can understand if you are tired of being so unappreciated. You deserve better.

I sure do feel unappreciated by my family. Thank you for telling me I deserve better. I agree! I wonder why I was given these kicks and they keep coming. What will it take to stop? I wonder what will become of me.
We all deserve to be appreciated. Hugs and respect