Unhappy Anniversary

It is obvious to me that you have sacrificed much taking care of your family and they have benefited but don't realize it. I think we all stayed married because took our marriage vows seriously. Of course, I respect that you are still trying to make it work but, whatever happens (and am praying that you H stops being so insensitive and uncaring about your needs), you can feel proud that you really tried.

I wonder if all the kicks we get in this life are meant as opportunities to grow. While I see you as stronger and wiser than your H--you have many things to learn too. Maybe one of them is to learn to find peace within yourself without him (not necessary through divorce though that is an option, more like peace within). To learn to feel good about yourself despite how others treat you. And perhaps to continue to heal the wounds of your childhood? I believe most mental issues involve trauma. Another cause can be our own bad behavior that we either won't admit to ourselves that we are doing to ourselves or that we know we shouldn't be doing but say, "it feels good, I am going to do it anyways." Try to Resist Misinterpreting the Marshmallow Test - Behavioral Scientist However, if we have experienced a lot of trauma, it does make it harder to have the self control and we deal with a lot of past emotions that cloud our insight.

Whatever happens, you will be OK. I can't imagine there not being someone for you to fall back on. On PC, what I see is that you connect easily with others. IMO, you will be OK. You are strong enough to survive.

OMG, you sparked a memory that I think I was given the marshmallow test! I didn’t WANT the marshmallow. They never considered a child who didn’t even WANT the marshmallow.

Upon further reflection, I am convinced that I would be one of the children that would eat the marshmallow right away-- as in pronto, arriba, arriba, ándale, ándale!!

Definitely, lol!

During my walk, I thought of a childhood incident my sister sometimes reminds me of. One evening my sister, brother and I did not want to eat our green beans. Our mother said we would stay there until they were finished but left the table to doing all the things she usually did. After she left, I put some of my green beans in my napkin and flushed them down the toilet then did it again a bit later proclaiming to my mom I had eaten them. My brother and sister sat there refusing and stayed until it was time for them to go to bed. I would periodically visit the table advising they do what I did and gloating about my freedom. They never told our mom what I did but would sometimes remind me that I should have stayed at the table with them to show solidarity while shaking their heads about my dishonest behavior while thinking the whole thing was sort of funny...

I was wrong to get angry and especially to shame my h into the ‘have my back’ incidents. We’re codependent and I am going to do my best to stop.

I have entirely different take on situation with “having your back.”

I’d be livid if my husband was calling people complaining that they were rude to me (especially if he wasn’t even there). He knows me, he knows I’d be livid. I am not a child. Being a wife doesn’t make me incapable of taking care of my own business. If we were out and I was attacked in front of him of course he’d jump on a person and fought but that’s a different scenario. I am not sure why you expected him to call people mad they were rude to you. Do you call people complaining they were rude to your husband or he is expected to take care of the issue himself?

If you aren’t being physically attacked, then why do you need men to defend you. Do you see yourself as weak and him strong? Outside of physical differences and him possibly being stronger in that sense why do you see him as defender? What do single women do?

Maybe I am just not understanding the situation. I once called my daughters friends mother because she was rude to my daughter and I told her what I think of her but my daughter was a child. Not a grown up

I have the same feeling Divine. I am an adult. I can fight my own battles. The only time I do request help from my husband is if something deals with a legal issue because he is a lawyer. For example, when I went out on stress leave last year, my insurance company (who pays medical/psych leave in this country) denied it and I had to appeal to get paid. He helped me with the language on that, since he understands those topics and how to best phrase the appeal. But, that's the exception. Other times if I need to make a complaint to a business, etc., I am perfectly capable of handling it myself.


As far as the family issue I can understand him not wanting to get involved there. I wonder if he felt that if you guys kissed and made up, then he'd be seen as the bad guy in that scenario.

Just my 2 cents . . .

I’ll stop coming to his aid, too, if that should happen again. Yeah, somehow I got it in my head there’d be a certain level of protectiveness when needed in love. I was not given a partner who feels the way I wish he did.

My girl, Amy, knows all about this.

I meant the first incident when you were upset he wasn’t calling on your behalf and you had to cry making him to interfere. I am having hard time imagining such scenario.

I do understand being upset your husband wants to go to couple dinners with people who were rude to you. Perhaps he thought the whole thing was resolved and he doesn’t like to hold grudges or something. You two might not be in the same page here

Yes there absolutely should be level of protectiveness in a loving marriage. But how much protectiveness one needs and wants differs greatly. Clearly how much protection you want isn’t what your husband thinks is warranted.

I agree. I’ll do me and he can do him from now on.

It’s not really what I meant. I don’t think it’s healthy for being separated like this in a marriage.

I understand that you want something from your husband. It appears that you want something he isn’t providing. Stand up for you and have something different in bed etc After that many years it’s obvious he isn’t going to provide that. So you either have to look for someone who’ll provide it or adjust your expectations of him and enjoy whatever other things he is providing. I doubt he is completely useless.

People rarely change at their core. I am married second time and my ex husband is remarried as well. We are exactly same people at out core as when we were married to each other, (well we grew up lol) but at the core we are exactly same people. What changed is we are both married to people who are more suitable for us and our very similar personalities. Who knows how things would play out if we stayed married but we most certainly wouldn’t become different people.

Your husband is who he is. Sorry for being blunt.

I think the whole concept of him having to call people on
your behalf is confusing to me because I don’t subscribe to a notion of a man being “head of a family”, “head of a household”. Why? Maybe he doesn’t want to feel like that either. Just a thought

I’m sorry you usually find my threads so confusing. I prefer you don’t comment rather than give me a dig.