Unhappy Anniversary

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 06:23 AM

I think it’s turned the corner to come to the end of my marriage. Of course, locked up during a pandemic, nothing is going to happen yet.

It’s our anniversary and we’re sure not celebrating. We were planning to, even though it’s been months of hell, but he said I don’t love him and I said I have to agree.

This is with a new therapist.

Have Hope · Jul 17, 2020, 07:15 AM

Oh, Tisha, I am sorry.... I know you've been struggling with your marriage for a very long time now.

Did you actually tell your husband directly that you don't love him anymore?

And yes, I would say that indicates an ending.

But it's OK, you know???? You've been dealing with SO much in this marriage for a very long time. Lots of struggles and emotional PAIN, lots of differences, along with toxic elements.

It's OK if the relationship has truly run its course. If it has, you have the chance to now create a far happier life for yourself, on your terms. And life without your partner can most certainly be a fulfilling one and a very happy one.

As you know, I was about to end my marriage just recently, and I know I may still have to at some point. I accept that. And I do envision a happy life as a single woman.

I think that is KEY: acceptance of an ending and being able to envision a happy life without that person.

Still, it can be very painful to realize it has come to an end. I'm so sorry.

Hugs to you.

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 07:30 AM

I’m totally traumatized from the sex issue. He tried to initiate and I had a panic attack. I said I just don’t feel anything from his arms around me, felt numb and anxious. He said ‘you don’t love me’. We’ve both already said everything horrible to each other in the past anyway. He wants to brush it all under the rug and pretend all is fine and keep going. I am not in this to be toxic. Enough is enough is enough...........................

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 07:56 AM

He has somewhere else to go, and I asked him to go there today and leave me alone. He won’t. He’s sitting in the other room. He’s doing this for spite? I’ve already taken my panic attack med and he knows I’ll end up taking more than prescribed because I get that upset. I’m being strong and coping in here, venting here, breathing. When he does leave, I feel fine. So why won’t he just go for the day and give me peace? This is not a man who truly loves me. He tortures me. He fancies himself a hero because he won’t end this relationship. I find his motives suspect.

Now, I am terrified of the inevitable being completely alone once this is ended. I do feel that with therapy, I can survive and maybe thrive.

But, certainly for the day, I have no problems with him leaving as I asked him. I will not be calling him back. So why won’t he go?

Have Hope · Jul 17, 2020, 08:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I’m totally traumatized from the sex issue. He tried to initiate and I had a panic attack. I said I just don’t feel anything from his arms around me, felt numb and anxious. He said ‘you don’t love me’. We’ve both already said everything horrible to each other in the past anyway. He wants to brush it all under the rug and pretend all is fine and keep going. I am not in this to be toxic. Enough is enough is enough...........................

Sometimes, there's no recovering from horrible things said. Words DO stick and words DO harm. Sounds like there's been too much harm done.

Very sorry you feel so traumatized..... I really feel for you right now!!!!

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 11:44 AM

I’m guilted into going along with just being nice and staying in it. I’m alright as far as the meds go. Thanks so much for your warm words.

divine1966 · Jul 17, 2020, 11:59 AM

I am sorry to hear it. I think you might feel better later and not actually follow through with this? Does your husband appear upset?

TunedOut · Jul 17, 2020, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

He has somewhere else to go, and I asked him to go there today and leave me alone. He won’t. He’s sitting in the other room. He’s doing this for spite? I’ve already taken my panic attack med and he knows I’ll end up taking more than prescribed because I get that upset. I’m being strong and coping in here, venting here, breathing. When he does leave, I feel fine. So why won’t he just go for the day and give me peace? This is not a man who truly loves me. He tortures me. He fancies himself a hero because he won’t end this relationship. I find his motives suspect.

Now, I am terrified of the inevitable being completely alone once this is ended. I do feel that with therapy, I can survive and maybe thrive.

But, certainly for the day, I have no problems with him leaving as I asked him. I will not be calling him back. So why won’t he go?

Has he said he is worried to leave you? Ask him why he won't leave for a while and tell him you suspect his motives--or did you already have it out?

And I am sorry he causes you panic attacks--there is no doubt that those are caused when people get angry, impatient, say insensitive things...

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry to hear it. I think you might feel better later and not actually follow through with this? Does your husband appear upset?

He came out of the FaceTime appt with our therapist, sat down where my 23 y/o son and I were watching TV, and made small talk with obviously no intention of leaving or discussing anything with me. He negated me about my having asked him to leave for the day.

I left the room and sat, staring in the living room. At least I didn’t go into the bedroom and knock myself out like prior years.

My son asked what’s going on. So it blew up where the three of us had to address the elephant in the room. Our son suggested to my h he go as he has something worthy to do in that location anyway (If you guys knew you wouldn’t believe it), so he left.

I again told our son that this is not normal, healthy behavior in relationships and I am so sorry he witnessed it. His dad and I just bring out the worst in each other. We have had the same specific issue and can’t fix it.

Now we have this new t. Is he making it better or worse? He’s seeing both of us together and separate. I spoke to him yesterday and made myself very clear. So, did he encourage him to negate me like that?

My h is the worst communicator in the world. Brilliant but awful at that.

My two sons could have also left to go with him, but they are here with me. IDK if the younger one overheard. We weren’t loud and the conversation was brief when he left. It’s not a big house, not a lot of rooms, he mostly stays in his all the time which is yet another issue lately.

Then my mom called and sent me staring off into the rain for 1 1/2 hours because her reaction to my telling her it’s not a happy anniversary was curt, disappointed, she hung up on me, (and she knows the issue has been happening forever).

There’s nothing I can do but take it day by day for now, locked down in a pandemic. He’ll be home to sleep. I didn’t kick him out for good (for now). This has to end one way or another. Either divorce or I put up and shut up.

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 03:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TunedOut

Has he said he is worried to leave you? Ask him why he won't leave for a while and tell him you suspect his motives--or did you already have it out?

And I am sorry he causes you panic attacks--there is no doubt that those are caused when people get angry, impatient, say insensitive things...

He was never worried for what I might do...he pushed me to it. But I am stronger now and only took good meds prescribed for me!

Have Hope · Jul 17, 2020, 03:35 PM

I find it to be very odd and unethical of the new therapist to see you together and separately. Then they know and may be biased in one direction or another by hearing each of your perspectives and stories. I would want a different individual therapist myself.

Have Hope · Jul 17, 2020, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

He came out of the FaceTime appt with our therapist, sat down where my 23 y/o son and I were watching TV, and made small talk with obviously no intention of leaving or discussing anything with me. He negated me about my having asked him to leave for the day.

I didn’t kick him out for good (for now). This has to end one way or another. Either divorce or I put up and shut up.

He is not respecting your needs OR your boundaries by refusing to leave for the day and by refusing to give you the space you need and asked for.

I personally believe you should leave and not "put up and shut up". You've been completely miserable for a very long time and it has not changed or improved.

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I find it to be very odd and unethical of the new therapist to see you together and separately. Then they know and may be biased in one direction or another by hearing each of your perspectives and stories. I would want a different individual therapist myself.

I do too. We had a former t who saw us together and said it was unethical to see us separately.

I did a little research and read that it’s not unethical, it’s the t’s preference. It’s like a high school he said/ she said, right?

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

He is not respecting your needs OR your boundaries by refusing to leave for the day and by refusing to give you the space you need and asked for.

I personally believe you should leave and not "put up and shut up". You've been completely miserable for a very long time and it has not changed or improved.

I do a lot of self blaming about the whole thing, too. It takes two, I know.

I asked him why he wouldn’t leave. He said he didn’t want to break up on our anniversary. But how did he expect that to go? Did he think I would just magically calm down and get happy and celebrate? I never have before.

Previously, I have OD’d and went to sleep, ruining the day for everybody, especially myself. Is that what he wanted?

I really think his brain does not think ahead like that. It just doesn’t think with emotionality or like he knows me at all, if that makes sense. Although, sometimes he knows me very well. So confusing....

MsLady · Jul 17, 2020, 06:39 PM

Behind a bully is a scared little child. He's afraid to end this relationship and face the unknown. It's hard for everyone, and some people more than others. I suspect he didn't leave because he's just waiting for this intensity to blow over, as always. I bet he's in denial, despite knowing all the troubles.

Some people do believe they're going to live like this for the rest of their lives. Maybe they feel the alternative isn't going to be any better.

Sorry you're going through a tough time, too. I don't know your story very well but will say, if you feel it's time, it's time.

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsLady

Behind a bully is a scared little child. He's afraid to end this relationship and face the unknown. It's hard for everyone, and some people more than others. I suspect he didn't leave because he's just waiting for this intensity to blow over, as always. I bet he's in denial, despite knowing all the troubles.

Some people do believe they're going to live like this for the rest of their lives. Maybe they feel the alternative isn't going to be any better.

Sorry you're going through a tough time, too. I don't know your story very well but will say, if you feel it's time, it's time.

When we’ve spoken to past marriage therapists, I remember one said how I was so very upset (putting it mildly) over the situation, but my h is visibly not bothered by it at all.

He would live with this forever because it doesnt bother him that much. He KNOWS it will blow over, because it always does.

Thank you, good observation

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 06:49 PM

Yet all in all, it was a good day for me; I didn’t have a crying fit meltdown, I didn’t make a scene, I didn’t take myself out by passing out and ruin the whole day. Yay for me!

Instead, I hung out with my two sons, stared into space a little, made a healthy dinner, received a lovely edible fruit/ chocolate box from our dear friends, a text from the one sister who still talks to me

, two triggering calls from my mother which I handled very well, watched a little TV, and kept inside from worldwide pandemic. I’m okay.

MsLady · Jul 17, 2020, 06:53 PM

Quote:

He would live with this forever because it doesnt bother him that much.

I can relate with this. The bottom line is, YOU don't have to live with this forever. I'm not sure if there's any barriers of any kind, but if not, stay strong and cut the chord.

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 06:59 PM

I have a rising high school senior who wants to stay in our house to go to his school. However, we are online only at this point for the school year, so who knows.

Have Hope · Jul 17, 2020, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I do a lot of self blaming about the whole thing, too. It takes two, I know.

The key is to know what is your responsibility, and what is HIS. It's good to make the distinction for yourself. You cannot blame yourself for someone's else's poor behavior, for example. They are responsible for that all by themselves. Even if you're the one upsetting them, they are responsible entirely for how they choose to respond to being upset.

Yes, it takes two, but it also takes knowing boundaries, separation and who is responsible for what.

From what I know of your relationship, you do not get what you need from it. And you give into what HE needs, because it's what he wants but he won't give you what you want and need the most.

Tisha, we have one life to live..... don't you want to be happy, or do you prefer to continue living miserably? That's the question I must ask of you..... I know you think you could be happier in some other ways and without him.

What I am trying to do is get you to see that you've been miserable for years, it has not changed, and so I ask, do you want to spend the rest of your life doing the exact same thing, over and over and over again, continuing to live in this life of misery? Or do you want to make a leap of faith and go for it, making the best life possible for yourself without him in it? It's your choice.

If it were me, I would make the leap of faith and I would choose happiness over misery.

TishaBuv · Jul 17, 2020, 08:52 PM

I know I’ve been miserable for too many years. I did not think I was someone like this, and I wasn’t.

I’d like to figure out if I had a PD or did he drive me to having one, or is it something else?

This toxic relationship won’t go on too much longer. I will end it when our son is near to graduate, if there is no living well together. But I’d prefer to learn to live well together and be happy. I am willing to live alone if I have to, rather than continue to suffer.

I don’t have illusions that my life will be better alone. I also think that with the same energy I can expand my life doing other enjoyable things while staying with him.

He’s home now and when I asked him what he was thinking today, he admitted he had no plan and no thoughts. Honestly, his brain just doesn’t work that way. It feels so lonely for me.

He may not have been the right one for me, but we made good babies.

Maybe there was no right one for me.

Who knows what’s happening with this pandemic anyway? Will we make it through?

I’m comfortable enough to sleep in the same bed as him tonight.

I’m really back and forth with him, which may also be a sign of PD. Like I know he is the closest person to me in the world. Half my life I have slept beside him. I’m on then off. I don’t know what I want and never did.

Ugh, anxiety!

TishaBuv · Jul 18, 2020, 08:52 AM

Just after I wrote last night, he came into the bedroom where I sat in bed with the lights out. He said he was not tired and wanted to watch TV. I said I did not want to watch in the bedroom. So he went into the LV where the boys were on the TV playing video games. He came back to the bedroom with no where else to go.

I thought badly of him for not taking the opportunity to connect emotionally and possibly physically, even if just a hug, to me in some way before his TV comment. I told him so. He was baffled that I was up to any connection at all. But why? He had handed me the gift he bought me just prior anyway, and I gave him what I had gotten him, which wasn’t even wrapped yet due to the destroyed anniversary. So, I don’t get his thinking and he doesn’t get mine. There is no amount of explaining and teaching that will ever sink in.

We went to bed angry. And it’s yet another bad day. It feels like we’re cursed. I have such ‘want to run away’, panic anxiety I’ve already taken my whole day’s worth of meds.

I know there’s nothing I can do but act pleasant. We’re all trapped in the house...well he could go away again today, but he refuses.

Have Hope · Jul 18, 2020, 09:06 AM

Why don't you do a formal separation within the home? That's one idea. Then you don't have to deal with him not being a good husband towards you. You can call it quits right now and resolve most the issues except living together for now.