[superreggie]

I don't know much about therapy, or psychology, or the various issues people can have. But I do know that there are definite patterns that people fall into. I'm assuming that these forums are full of people who have experience identifying these problems, and can maybe help me out.

My brother-in-law is slowly gaining a ton of weight. He likes to spend time on the couch escaping into screens, shows and games. He is incredibly smart, and has incredible potential, but his creativity is completely thwarted by some kind of patterns. If you play any game with this guy, he is three steps ahead of you. Very quick. I'd also like to add, he's wonderful in a lot of ways. Very warm and sweet and charming.

He is and was a total mama's boy. Was breast fed until very late. He is very clingy and attached to his wife (my sister in law), who does all the cooking, cleaning etc. (this is partly cultural, he's from Turkey). He likes fatty, sugary salty foods. Will eat massive amounts of sugar cereal for breakfast. When he is hungry he whines like a little child to his wife. When she cooks, he hovers around in the kitchen, helping her like her child. She tells him what to do and he does it. He doesn't do any of the cleaning. He will do things like suddenly have to go to an ice-cream store and get a huge banana split or something. He eats a lot of meat etc.

He's addicted to football.

His wife is really worried about his health, however, she totally enables this behavior, and is very matronly. She seems to love him very much. She is my wife's sister, and she doesn't like to open up to my wife about relationship stuff. They are inseparable, and even though they are now in different countries, my wife has a hard time talking to her without him being right there.

About two years ago he got on some program where he lost a ton of weight and seemed super fit and healthy, then fell off the wagon and went right back to where he was before.

Is there a book or some site or some reference point that, were they to read it, would ping off some recognition and at least allow them to recognize that they are in this patter? I love this man, and I hate to watch him waste his life, and I'm actually really worried I'm going to get a call in about 10 years that he's had a heart attack.

Or...

should I just let them live their lives, sort out their own problems? Just let stuff happen as it may?

thanks...

[MsLady]

If they're happy with each other, it's not for you to judge.. and you are judging by suggesting he's acting like her child. I'm sure he's aware about his previous weight-loss accomplishment and "falling off the wagon".. no need to point out the obvious.

If your sister-in-law has not reached out to your wife (her sister) then either they're managing things just fine for "them" or, you're simply not the "go-to" couple for their support.

I'd leave it be and allow them to open that conversation with you, instead, if they're even willing to. In the meantime, accept them for who they are and love them as you do.. IMO

[divine1966]

Unless they ask for your advice I really think how they conduct their marriage and what they eat is entirely their business. I am not sure how you plan to interfere? And unless they told you they have a problem, I’d not assume there is a problem. It might be just how they do things.

In addition they don’t even live in the same country as you. Let it go

Originally Posted by superreggie

I don't know much about therapy, or psychology, or the various issues people can have. But I do know that there are definite patterns that people fall into. I'm assuming that these forums are full of people who have experience identifying these problems, and can maybe help me out.

My brother-in-law is slowly gaining a ton of weight. He likes to spend time on the couch escaping into screens, shows and games. He is incredibly smart, and has incredible potential, but his creativity is completely thwarted by some kind of patterns. If you play any game with this guy, he is three steps ahead of you. Very quick. I'd also like to add, he's wonderful in a lot of ways. Very warm and sweet and charming.

He is and was a total mama's boy. Was breast fed until very late. He is very clingy and attached to his wife (my sister in law), who does all the cooking, cleaning etc. (this is partly cultural, he's from Turkey). He likes fatty, sugary salty foods. Will eat massive amounts of sugar cereal for breakfast. When he is hungry he whines like a little child to his wife. When she cooks, he hovers around in the kitchen, helping her like her child. She tells him what to do and he does it. He doesn't do any of the cleaning. He will do things like suddenly have to go to an ice-cream store and get a huge banana split or something. He eats a lot of meat etc.

He's addicted to football.

His wife is really worried about his health, however, she totally enables this behavior, and is very matronly. She seems to love him very much. She is my wife's sister, and she doesn't like to open up to my wife about relationship stuff. They are inseparable, and even though they are now in different countries, my wife has a hard time talking to her without him being right there.

About two years ago he got on some program where he lost a ton of weight and seemed super fit and healthy, then fell off the wagon and went right back to where he was before.

Is there a book or some site or some reference point that, were they to read it, would ping off some recognition and at least allow them to recognize that they are in this patter? I love this man, and I hate to watch him waste his life, and I'm actually really worried I'm going to get a call in about 10 years that he's had a heart attack.

Or...

should I just let them live their lives, sort out their own problems? Just let stuff happen as it may?

thanks...

I agree with the other posters. Since you're not in their marriage it's not really your place to dictate how he acts with his wife, or what choices he makes to improve his nutritional needs, etc. If he wants to waste his life, well, it's his life. Not yours.

Focus on yourself. Let them do their thing. I have married siblings and they never ask me for martial advice or talk to me about the quality of their marriage or share any concerns they have with me about their spouses. So? I don't make their private lives my business. Because what they do with their spouses, is their business. Not mine.

Only get involved if you're asked. Otherwise, just let it go.

[LilyMop]

I would not get involved. They are grown adults making their own choices.

[Open Eyes]

I don't think there is much you can do if his wife is enabling this behavior. He may have a problem with depression and trys to self sooth with the food he eats. He has an addiction to food and video games and being sedatary. He needs to see a therapist for a possible treatment plan. Unfortunately, HE is the one that has to care and get sick of his lifestyle which is hard to do considering his wife enables him so much.

[Have Hope]

I agree with the others. Unless they ask for your input and help, it's best to stay out of their relationship and marriage and not offer them unsolicited advice.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by superreggie

I don't know much about therapy, or psychology, or the various issues people can have. But I do know that there are definite patterns that people fall into. I'm assuming that these forums are full of people who have experience identifying these problems, and can maybe help me out.

My brother-in-law is slowly gaining a ton of weight. He likes to spend time on the couch escaping into screens, shows and games. He is incredibly smart, and has incredible potential, but his creativity is completely thwarted by some kind of patterns. If you play any game with this guy, he is three steps ahead of you. Very quick. I'd also like to add, he's wonderful in a lot of ways. Very warm and sweet and charming.

He is and was a total mama's boy. Was breast fed until very late. He is very clingy and attached to his wife (my sister in law), who does all the cooking, cleaning etc. (this is partly cultural, he's from Turkey). He likes fatty, sugary salty foods. Will eat massive amounts of sugar cereal for breakfast. When he is hungry he whines like a little child to his wife. When she cooks, he hovers around in the kitchen, helping her like her child. She tells him what to do and he does it. He doesn't do any of the cleaning. He will do things like suddenly have to go to an ice-cream store and get a huge banana split or something. He eats a lot of meat etc.

He's addicted to football.

His wife is really worried about his health, however, she totally enables this behavior, and is very matronly. She seems to love him very much. She is my wife's sister, and she doesn't like to open up to my wife about relationship stuff. They are inseparable, and even though they are now in different countries, my wife has a hard time talking to her without him being right there.

About two years ago he got on some program where he lost a ton of weight and seemed super fit and healthy, then fell off the wagon and went right back to where he was before.

Is there a book or some site or some reference point that, were they to read it, would ping off some recognition and at least allow them to recognize that they are in this patter? I love this man, and I hate to watch him waste his life, and I'm actually really worried I'm going to get a call in about 10 years that he's had a heart attack.

Or...

should I just let them live their lives, sort out their own problems? Just let stuff happen as it may?

thanks...

While I don't think you should broach any subject of their marriage, obviously you care about him and he is family. I think you could speak to him of your own concern. You could tell him how impressed you were when he lost the weight, and just tell him you worry one day you'll lose your favorite brother-in-law because of a weight-related problem. Make it about your concern for his health, not a judgment for his habits. Don't harp on him, just let him know your concern. And, you could also offer ways to help. Maybe weight loss is something you two could do together - or you could do a virtual competition about steps taken or something.

If your concern is about his weight, I think you can have the conversation with him in a caring and empathetic way without it being about his relationship with his wife.