Still dating the wrong type

Ugh. After 29 years you would think I would know what to avoid. Dated a guy for a year. Ignored the red flags. Now I know I have to work on myself. Therapist said he was an abuser and should’ve known better. I’m disappointed. It’s taking me time to get over it.

I guess my question is - will I ever get it right? After all that therapy and staying on my meds etc.

When you have experienced enough pain and consequence then you will change.

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartjacques Ugh. After 29 years you would think I would know what to avoid. Dated a guy for a year. Ignored the red flags. Now I know I have to work on myself. Therapist said he was an abuser and should’ve known better. I’m disappointed. It’s taking me time to get over it. I guess my question is - will I ever get it right? After all that therapy and staying on my meds etc.

A therapist should never judge and tell you that you should have known better. But now that you’re aware of having ignored red flags, perhaps now you can learn to pay attention to red flags early on. Take it as a learning and growth experience . Next time you’ll do better. Hugs.

Unfortunately, in life, there are no guarantees that one would necessarily get it right.

It's about trying your best, learning, developing self-awareness, seeing/reading the signs and choosing accordingly... an picking yourself up when you fall. It's hard. We don't always get it right.

I agree with Have Hope, your therapist was out of line to say that you should have known better.

Your therapist should not have said that you "should've known better." That's not supportive.

I hope you feel better. if you were with this person for a year, of course its taking time to get over it.

I think you're asking the wrong question. It sounds like its coming from a defeatist place ("will I ever get it right?"). Why not ask "how can I take care of myself during this period of pain?" Or "what do I want in a relationship?" "How can I be kind to myself?"

Take care.

Well a lot of abusers start by being nice and charming anyone can be fooled by it. They pride themselves in how well they can fool people. I have witnessed these types fool people and people fall for it. So you are not the only one.

I have fallen for abusers before. Many are so manipulative and then they start to show their true self. I somehow have a tendency to attract abusers. I don’t think your therapist should have made the comment as it is not professional and their job requires them not to judge.

Therapy and medication can't "cure" you of choosing bad relationships. It's not your therapist's job to change you either. Therapy and medication are mere band aids. The real epiphany has to come from you. Therapy and medication can sometimes trigger epiphanies. But so can terrible, horrible experiences.

You are comfortable with these unhealthy connections with men and only you know why that is.

Once you become uncomfortable, you will change your perspective and will stop getting involved with abusive men.

Wow I found some of my old posts! Therapist meant HE ( the guy I dated) should’ve known better after knowing what I’ve been through and still pursued me, bonked me, ghosted me. I’ve had no one else since then.

No one for almost 5 years? Can you please share how you've managed all this time by yourself?

I think I meant I haven’t had a relationship or been with anyone for the last 5 years. Most of the time I’m too busy and too focused on my kids and work and goals.

I’ve had a therapist once a month for the last 4 years. It’s been good. No issues at all. And it’s stopped me from the vicious cycle of depression and crashes every year.

I look back and wonder why I was so scared to leave my marriage when I see how good things are for my kids and myself since then. It was rough for a while but it gets better and better.

Sorry for being ambiguous. I meant specifically relationship(s). Maybe, it's because of my traumas and being lonely most of my life leads to me feeling alone again so painful.

But at the time, I did not know about you having kids. Now I am even more astonished. I can imagine kids do give a reason to live and a distraction. But, it's so much work, so much effort to raise kids! Now I am stunned, how have you managed to earn living and find time for the kids. What about yourself? When last have you had any time for yourself? Therapist once per month sounds so miniscule compared to everyday hardships you have to endure.

P.s. I feel so weak now, compared to what you have to go through. And I am whining about just being single and feeling lonely.

No, your feelings are valid. I can’t imagine the stress and fear you live with everyday. You can click on my profile and see my other posts if you want to know some of my story.

Thanks, I really appreciate your kind words.

I am glad you are doing so well now, focusing on kids, work, and the goal.

Your OP seems to imply that the passage of time (29 years) should teach you what to avoid, but about the number of datapoints? From what little you wrote, there was this guy, before him an unsatisfying marriage which you initially feared leaving but now are so glad you left, and... how many more men of the same "type"?

Unless it is a really high number and you keep repeating the same pattern of missing the SAME red flags again and again, I think you are too hard on yourself expecting yourself to be a clairvoyant. And 1 year is not a terribly long time. And as said above, this man probably fooled you in the beginning anyway, appearing not who he truly was.

I’ve only had two long term relationships - 20-24 years old with my ex fiancé. Then from. 25-43 with my ex husband. I’ve been separated from him for 8 years and divorced for 5 years. The guy I had 5 years ago for a year seems insignificant. So I’ve just been working on me, working and raising my kids. When they are adults, I want to travel with a group of other women.

Okay……

That’s a strange answer. Low self-esteem?

Sometimes I find that been on my own is the best company an individual could ever want!!

Sorry to hear that. It’s not your fault. Your therapist’s comment was rufe & inappropriate.

Try reading books & articles on how to spot ted flags in people, love bombing, manipulation, lying, narcissism & gaslighting.

Don’t open up to fast to anyone. Trust your gut too. Action speaks louder than words too, so pay attention to a tions more than words.

Also, if they talk to much or to little about themselves, that’s not good either.

Not respecting boundaries is another red flag. So is talking badly about other people. Thet’ll eventuslly talk badly about you to other people too.

Unwillingness to communicate & giving you the silent treatment ate also big red flags too