Sexless Marriage

She clams not to have a lower sex drive. But, as with other issues in our marriage, her words don’t match her actions. Also, she appreciated my honesty regarding my need for more sex and it needs to happen for the sake of our marriage.

Thank you for being so understanding. I’ve gotten some negative responses that make me sound like an ogre because I want an active sex life.

Hi-

I have no idea how old you are....and you do not need to answer. As another poster said, How do you honestly know women in their 60s are having frequent intercourse?

I am a nurse, and there are a lot of memes joking about how afraid RNs are of bedbugs. I had one crawl on me at ex’s...the bedbugs were in his apartment a year before, the apartment was treated professionally....he moved into a townhouse, and they survived over a YEAR. He just thought they were in his son’s mattress & treated the son’s room. BFs mattress was in storage, I have no idea how the bed bugs got into his room....but one crawled on me. I then went down stairs & told him he had another issue..

During menopause, there is a lack of estrogen, sometimes, many times, causing vaginal atrophy. Google it. There is no magic blue pill for women to take....Hormone replacement therapy can be dangerous. Even topical estrogen applied to the vagina is contraindicated in breast cancer survivors...so how safe is it? Are you ok if your wife has a lot of sex with you and develops an estrogen related cancer? Breast cancer and gynecological cancers, especially, are severe.

I had this sex/ menopause issue with my ex....I WISH it was as easy as popping a pill...

Does she indicate why she does not want to have sex? For me, it was painful, with lube & I bled... and then, I avoided even making out with him, because I would say, we can go,so far, and he knew he would orgasm, but no intercourse....And of course, we would get to a certain point and I would be asked “please let me put it in”....ummm...no it causes intense pain and bleeding...
I am not accusing you of this...I am being extremely honest....so I asked him how about I lube up a tapered candle stick and stick it down his urethra? Of course not....it would hurt....and I honestly would not want him to be in pain for my pleasure.

I really think this type of thing needs a lot of open communication. And honesty...and for men to,realize it is not as easy as popping a pill.

Jbear I want to pick up on something you wrote earlier about your wife's words not meeting her actions, it seemed like you were implying this was in areas other than your sex life. Do you feel like you have wider issues than mismatched desire?

I don't think anyone's wanting you to feel bad, at all. I did have a similar gut reaction reading your post...it's really way too common (not to gender stereotype, but in my experience, and those of just about every woman I know) for men to push too far at some point, and to express entitlement regarding their sexual needs. It is unnerving, and it's valid to point out that you can't be sure to find what you are looking for should you leave...but of course you'd be able to seek out a partner who you could possibly get more intimate with. The fact that you have made an ultimatum I think legitimises what you're asking of your wife...it's totally fair the way I see it. Of course it'll be painful for her to hear...again, what a sad situation when you've had so many years of marriage and parenting together. I do hope you can both be happy!

How do you know that those platonic friends have high sex drive? Unless you are intimate with them you have no ways of knowing. I’d not go by what they tell you (not sure why they do at all). People say a lot of things. Especially on this topic. High sex drive and supposedly “good in bed” is what people like to brag about. It’s often very far from the truth

I didn’t tell her "to put out." I told her I want to have an active sex live with her. No matter what some may claim, sex is a critical part of love and marriage. In the long run, I will not be able to stay in a sexless marriage.

There is usually more to the story. It’s not uncommon for one person wanting more sex than the other. But for a person to claim extreme urgency of having to have more sex and suggesting leaving and looking for other partners something else must be happening.

Too many other things cloud the issue: lack of communication, not really knowing each other needs, attraction to a therapist (?), female platonic friends discussing their sex life with OP etc It doesn’t sound like a happy marriage with just not enough sex. It sounds that maybe having more sex is going to save this marriage. But it doesn’t work that way.

It sounds like perhaps this marriage is unsatisfying in general and “not enough sex” is just manifestation of the misery in general.

What did your wife say when you told her you would leave her if she didn't give you what you wanted i.e. more sex?

Oh and re
i would be wary of generalisations. Maybe for you it is. Certainly not for everyone.

I have been told that a marriage without sex can work if both parties are okay with that. But it’s not true for me. For me, a healthy, enjoyable sex life is critical in a marriage. And I’m not going to apologize for feeling this way.