Ok so no one in my extended family has actually died. But this is on my mind. I don't know where it's coming from. Honestly, I think it was a song I just heard. I put "Family" in quotes because are they really family to me? I don't feel that way.


With some people, hypothetically, if they died, like if my mother's 96 year old aunt died and there was a funeral, I would not want to go. I have a few reasons why not: the reason to go to funerals and wakes is to pay respects to the people who are left ( "Sorry for your loss"), and to say goodbye to the person who died.

1.) my mother's cousins have flat out ignored me for a long time. They have zero interest in me and my life. I used to reach out and try to be friendly with them. I got nothing in return. I would not want to go and have to interact with them ("sorry for your loss"). I don't even ****ing know them anymore.


1.5.) my mom's aunt, the one who could hypothetically die, I'm not particularly fond of and she's expressed disinterest in me I think because I don't work. She and some of my family are very classist. She has "Favorites," and speaks poorly of some other people.


2.) I often feel ****** about myself at funerals around my family. I've had bad experiences with them. My grandfather's funeral was a **** show for me. **** show. No one cares either, how they affect other people, how their behavior affects me. Everyone wore black. Except me. I was so embarrassed. My mothers sisters wanted this, but my mom didn't tell me. No one bothered to tell me. I was so embarrassed and upset. At the funeral home, they started the funeral procession without me. I'd been using the bathroom and when I got out, I was so confused as to what to do. I was embarrassed and uncomfortable and no one would look at me when I expressed confusion. It was like I didn't even exist to them. It was like a ****ing nightmare.


That's all I'm able to write.


What I'd tell someone else, is that it is definitely okay to not go to anyone's funeral. If you want, send a card.


I know my mother will pressure me and push me to go. But I'm a 37 year old woman and while I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, my family doesn't consider mine, and I could send a card. I think I'm wondering "is it okay to not go to funerals, especially to funerals of people who have hurt me and ignored me and expressed deep disinterest in me?" I know I have my answer. It would help to hear it anyway though.


I think I just don't want ppl to be mad at me if I don't go. I may be disappointing some people. Maybe they can suck it. But it is a real fear. I remember once someone in the family didn't go to my grandmother's funeral and everyone talked about him and how horrible they thought he was because of it.


I know this is all hypothetical. But it's on my mind and it will happen someday and I want to be strong and not go.

[divine1966]

Is she in the same area? I’d not go to out of state or out of country funeral if it’s not particularly close relative. Generally speaking it’s ok to not go to more distant relatives funerals like moms aunt. It’s not immediate family. It depends on a relationship too. I have an aunt and she is my only aunt, we are relatively close. Maybe not the closest but we are ok. My daughter would go to her funeral BUT if that aunt wasn’t involved in our lives and had no contact with us, I’d understand if my daughter didn’t go.

I’d not be embarrassed re not wearing black. In my understanding dark grey or navy are just as respectful. Not like you were wearing orange jumpsuit and flip flops

We all live close by.

Um, I wore turquoise shoes and a black dress with blue design on it. My mother actually said to me "you can wear whatever you want to a funeral these days." I trusted her. The truth is her sisters wanted everyone to wear black. My mother was annoyed by their meddling and I believe she purposely didn't tell me about the "wear black" thing because she wanted to get back at them. She used me as a pawn. Oh I also wore a burgundy cardigan lol.

Thanks tho, divine. I hear what you're saying.