I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

I really doubt there is any kind of situation with his ex. He is storing some junk in her house. And she asked him to fix something. Goes both ways. He is using her for favors and so did she. Messages are innocent. I doubt there is anything going on. I talk to my ex occasionally. Most certainly there is no situation.

I doubt he will go back to his ex just because they are talking. Having said that he likely will find someone to live with and be his wallet, he seems to always find someone. But you are right, who cares what he’ll do next. He always finds someone to support him. He is clever in that sense

But I do understand why Hope isn’t too happy about him talking to ex. He promised not to. If he didn’t want to stop, then he shouldn’t have promised. I can’t stand liars. Just be up front: nope, I’ll keep talking to my ex.

You make a very valid and good point. I am expecting human decency, which is not what he can provide.

It’s perfectly understandable to feel hurt and upset that he keeps being sneaky. Why not be up front about things??? It’s hurtful

I agree with Mr. Paul that at this point we can all stop expecting him to behave decently. Sooner we accept that and give up on that, faster we will heal. But it’s understandably hurts

It DOES hurt. And it angers me immensely!

I really like this approach: to NOT expect anything other than what he's already shown me.

Focus on job search. It will expedite your ability to file for divorce and move out. Try to worry less on what’s he doing.

I'm trying. My goal this week is 3 job applications. It's very hard to keep it up every single day, but I am trying hard, under the circumstances. I am also falling apart simultaneously. Not easy.

And... I MAY need to leave my new therapist. He hasn't quite helped me in three sessions so far. Not really, and not in the ways that I want and need. He's not giving me great advice so far and he's not helping me through the emotional turmoil and emotional crisis I am in. I may fire him.

I know it’s really hard and depressing. I’ve read somewhere that if you are unemployed, you have to spend as many hours a day searching, applying for jobs, updating credentials, studying work related materials, networking as if you were working. If you normally work 8 hours day, you’d literally have to spend 8 hours on job search. It’s not easy.

I am also thinking that since you plan on divorcing maybe you can look for jobs elsewhere. Not in your area. Even out of state. It might be good to have a fresh start.

It sucks about therapist. It’s the one who thought you’d husband is cheating? That’s uncalled for. He sounds too quick to jump to conclusions

I do not have that kind of energy. Half my energy is spent coping with an abusive marriage. I am doing the best I can on the job search, but I am not spending 8 hours a day. That's unrealistic and would lead to burnout anyways. Each time I've been unemployed, I've never spent that much time, and I've been unemployed three times.

Yeah, it sucks about the new therapist. It is the one who suggested my husband must be cheating. I told him that was inappropriate and far off. Now he wants to work on my happiness level to address my eating disorder, when I'm in the middle of a crisis and need more concrete help on coping with an abusive marriage and on getting myself out.

I left out something very important. His ex wife has cancer again. She contacted my husband's mother not too long ago to let her know. She is still in touch with his parents, which I protested at first, then had to concede because there's nothing I can do about it.

So she let his mother know. He told me and asked if it was OK if he called her (this was several weeks ago). And I said, yes of course. It was after that phone call that he informed me he had asked her not to contact/text him directly. Then, a few weeks later, she does text him, which makes me think he lied about this.

I go to these abuse forums on Facebook to get support from time to time around my marriage. Well, I posted about his ex wife and this text exchange between them, and one woman is telling me that if he's a true narc, he is probably leading his ex on and who knows what he's saying to his ex about our marriage and about ME. It's true though - who knows what he's said about our marriage to her, and he could be leading her on, keeping her in his back pocket in case we don't work out. These women are telling me horror stories of their own narc ex's, the horrid things they've done regarding their ex's with whom they've been in touch, and the lies they've told.

My husband IS a liar. That much I know for certain. He's not just someone who messed up a few times, he's someone who regularly lies to me.

It's far too crazy making for me to go down the path of questioning every little thing for its truth or fallacy. I cannot go down that path, like these women on Facebook are encouraging me to do.

Whatever he is doing regarding his ex, it's suspect at the very least, I know I cannot trust him, I caught him in yet another lie, and what do I really care if he's leading on his ex or not. I know he seeks attention. My guess is he is enjoying the attention from her. His texts to her were very brief and innocent. It did not seem like he wanted to engage in much conversation with her.

I don't even love him anymore, and I am not trying to salvage this relationship. I should focus more so on just getting out.

But this latest incident perturbed me because it's just yet another lie from him.

Yeah who knows. Honestly in the absence of children (mutual or stepchildren that both or either were involved with) I don’t particularly understand chit chat with exes. Might be doing for attention. I really doubt she wants him back. Why would she.

You may have missed my post on this, but his ex wife has cancer again. He had found out through his mother, whom his ex called a few weeks ago. My husband asked me three weeks ago if it was OK with me if he reached out to her then. Which he did.

This last text from her on Monday is separate from that.

She reached out at first talking about her new TV, sending him a picture of the new TV and wishing him a happy Thanksgiving. It had nothing to do with her cancer, so it seemed like an excuse on her part to reach out.

This is why I believe she still has the hots for him. She seems to find reasons to continuously reach out to him.

And as far as he's concerned, I think he knows this full well, but won't admit to me that she has the hots for him because he's enjoying her continued interest in him.

The whole thing just makes me a bit ill.

I’d not worry about her having hots. It would just drive you crazy.

If she is sick it might explain her reaching out to people even if text is not about cancer. He sounds like abusive loser and she had to carry him financially for years so if she still has hots for him, she is crazy. Who cares about her.

Personally I don’t think contacting ex means one has hots for them. Ex and I contact each other and it’s not always about our daughter. Last contact was actually because my husband wanted to know how they deal with covid in my ex husband’s area. So I texted him. Before that ex sent pictures of his kids dressed for Halloween. That’s just how it goes. We don’t have hots for each other. I’d have an issue if his wife thought I gave hots for him. Certainly no hots there.

I seriously stop caring about why she contacts him.

I have strong gut instincts, especially when it comes to other women's true intentions, and I am usually correct.

Perhaps it doesn't truly matter, but I do believe she still has the hots for him and regrets him leaving her.

Asking him TWICE to physically come over to her home to specifically FIX her TV? Come on.... let's get real. She could have had anyone else do this for her, yet she has to have HIM do it? And then finding any excuse to contact BOTH his mother AND him periodically? We're married - it's not appropriate.

And her reaching out on Monday to show him her new TV was totally unnecessary. It was an excuse to reach out again. It's not as though she was updating him on anything regarding her cancer. I am not buying that she doesn't want him still. My gut tells me she still wants him, and I'm sticking to this belief.

And I am sure he is loving every part of it.

This is 100% true. There are literally lies my ex's told me that I still have this little back-of-my-mind niggling feeling of "I know that was a lie, and I'll never know what the truth is!" but when it creeps in, I just laugh at it and shake my head and say it doesn't matter anymore.
I hope you're finding ways to get away from him. As long as you're with him, there'll be a never-ending drip-drip-drip of things that worry you, make you wonder, make you sure he's lying, and it IS crazy-making. Can you talk w your therapist and explain that what you really need help with is figuring out how to extricate yourself from your situation w your husband?
Have you filed for divorce yet? It's a hard time, but when you get past this, you'll look back in relief and freedom. there's light at the end of the tunnel.

I know you can't just tell yourself to stop caring. It takes time and practice. It might help to write down some affirmations. I still struggle with the thoughts and feelings I've internalised from being abused.
Was cleaning today, and I have a stress reaction (shaky/sweaty/teary), I can connect it (idk how) to my ex repeatedly telling and showing me, in different ways that my best is not good enough.
I make some notes "my best is good enough. I do my best. I have to do my best, and can't do anything but."
It helps that I have memories of being encouraged, especially by my granny, who was always kind, and encouraging, even when she was disappointed.
It's important to challenge the kind of beliefs that lead to self destructive behaviours. I know how bad it is going though this crap your going through, but you can only get yourself out of it by taking care of yourself. If your therapists comments are discouraging then it's probably good to switch, but I do think it's important to shift your focus right off your husband, and onto yourself, and your self care.
You really do need strategies to get yourself safe and well. I know it's rough, and it's really hard to have patience, but you will get there.
I've been at breaking point lots of times in my life, and as bad as abuse can get, it is possible to do worse to yourself. I know this will sound harsh, but your husband isn't forcing drink and food on you. As destructive as his behaviours are, there is nothing you can do to control them, at the end of the day. All you can control are your own actions. The best thing you can do today is probably pamper yourself a little. Or do anything that makes you feel a little safer and stronger

If the stress from your situation has triggered your ED to where you are at risk, then addressing it in t is a good idea.

You can’t go anywhere right now anyway.

Talking to a lot of people, they all have something different to say, and it can make your head spin. Try to relax more while focusing on job search. It will be harder to find one now in the pandemic.

It’s understandable you have passionate feelings about him still as well as are 100% sure you want to divorce him. I think? People form attachments in relationships and it means something deep to them.

I have not filed yet, and won't until I have secured a job.

And thanks.... I will definitely approach my new therapist with what I specifically need from him right now.

Yes, there is a light... I just need to see it! lol.

Thank you, @Toughcooki

An ED is very complex.. no, my husband certainly is not forcing me to eat or drink. These are my own unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Today I have applied for 2 jobs. I have to stay focused on my job search. I am proud of myself for now.

And yes, affirmations DO help, but my husband is not really effecting me in that way. Any criticism from him gets flushed down the toilet. Not to sound like a jerk or like I'm full of myself, but I feel I am a pretty darned awesome person, despite any problems I own. I am motivated and successful, I am very intelligent, I am funny and fun-loving, I am interesting and have led an interesting life, and I have a huge heart, most importantly. So, no, he cannot take any of that away from me. I know that much. He cannot touch these aspects of myself that I like and am proud of.

And yes, I agree. I need as much self care as possible through this. I am going to try hard not to binge on food today simply because I am distraught. It's emotional eating, so I am going to try to focus on relaxation and de-stressing instead.

And yes, it's hard to just stop caring altogether. Especially when it comes to feeling respected. But I have to accept that I do NOT get respect within this relationship.

Agreed - as I had written just above, I am going to try hard to not give into emotional eating.

And thanks, Tisha. You pretty much nailed it. I do have passionate feelings about him still ALONG with being 100% certain I will divorce him. My feelings revolve around respect though, and I am just not getting the respect I desire and deserve. So yes, that naturally makes me very upset and distraught. My love for him is gone though.

It's great that your husband's behaviours aren't getting to you like that, and that is definitely something to be proud of!
I know my own self destructive behaviours didn't start when I got married either, and yeah, EDs and other compulsive habits are really complex, and super hard to overcome!
Just saying, whatever you do in this situation is understandable... it really is a head f***, and totally understandable that you feel like getting to the bottom of what your hubby is up to...just do doubt that HE's anywhere near that light at the end of the tunnel...if you know what I mean. Definitely a good thing to be looking for/towards.
Massive luck with those jobs!