I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

My abuse advocate was very helpful yesterday. I told her how I am struggling to control my anger and my responses to him. We strategized ways to help me overcome that. I also told her I need to limit my drinking. We strategized around that too.

I have been drinking too much. And then I do stupid things when I'm drinking that I later regret - especially when it involves responding to HIM.

She and I spoke for an hour on Friday - I don't have therapy next week because he's on vacation. Next week may be tough. I've been having therapy appts 2 times per week lately. Now I only have the one appointment with my advocate and that's not until next Friday.

I have to have greater impulse control. I am very impulsive, and then add a few drinks, and I let loose. I am not proud of my behavior lately. I have felt out of control. Some days are better than others, especially when no drinking is involved.

I want to walk away with my head held HIGH - I don't want to let him get the best of me. Instead, this whole situation has brought out the absolute worst in me. Not to mention, his continued abuse and gaslighting over text, which sends me to the moon and back with anger.

Also, I received notice that there are no pro bono lawyers available for me through the women's bar association. So, now, come Monday, I have to find a sliding scale lawyer. This complicates matters for me greatly - I was sort of counting on getting free legal services. This really bums me out - it means I have to dip into the bank loan in order to pay a lawyer.

Every time you respond to him with anger....you are giving him control; that is what he wants. Perhaps keep a journal and write down what is happening and how it makes you feel.

Yes - I feel out of control.

I do keep a journal. Writing things to myself doesn't seem to do anything for me. I want HIM to suffer and to feel my anger and rage.

Next week, it will be week #4 since I learned of the infidelity.

My goal: the least amount of contact with him as possible. I have GOT to take back my control.

These podcasts on narcissistic abuse and recovery are really helpful as well.

The other night I began blaming myself for HIS infidelity - and that's because HE is practically blaming me by saying "you have no idea what calling the police did to me". So he justifies himself because I called the police that one night. He claims his straying was done in a moment of anger and weakness. He states he was "not himself" after I called the police.

My response to him was that he should have handled his anger like an adult, rather than doing something which he knew full well would harm me the MOST.

BUT, these podcasts are telling me he sought new narcissistic supply.

During this period after I had called the police, I was implementing stronger boundaries with him. I called him out on his mean jokes. I would not accept his excuses or reasoning, so he sulked in response. I also wasn't feeding into his grand overtures of love during this time, or his love bombing.

So... he sought the attention of someone else, or new supply.

OMG! My best girlfriend is triggering me again.....

She is now claiming that my husband must not have been happy in the marriage because he chose to do the ONE thing he 100% KNEW would hurt me the most AND which would end the marriage (if I found out).

IF that were true, then why would he continue to beg and plead with me, saying this can be fixed, and that we can be better and stronger after this, that he's willing to do anything and whatever it takes to make it work, including going to personal therapy.. that he needs me and misses me terribly.. that he is miserable without me and needs to be with me... ????

Why would he say this repeatedly IF he had wanted out of the marriage and was unhappy? IF he were truly unhappy, wouldn't he be relieved and resolved now about it, instead of trying to continue to beg and plead with me?

I just told my friend that I need to process what happened in my marriage on my own from now on. It's not helping me to process it WITH HER because she continues to say things that trigger and upset me. I said it to her in the nicest of ways, telling her how grateful I am to have her friendship and to have her support through all of this... but I have to create a boundary now around our conversations regarding my husband.

Who cares if he was unhappy. It’s neither here nor there. Bottom line is he didn’t go about it the right way regardless how he felt. That’s a typical excuse of a cheater.

He was lining somebody up in case you do file for divorce. He can’t make it on his own so he needs a woman to mooch off so he was lining up plan B. He is always on a look out for somebody to move in with. Who cares how he felt

And that's the sad truth of it all. He is SO needy that he cannot for one minute live on his own or be by himself.

I am very sad and disappointed in my closest girlfriend. I do not feel validated by her with regards to the abuse I experienced, and it's very upsetting to me that I can no longer discuss it with her in detail. She invalidates me, she comes up with different scenarios to explain our demise, such as it's the dynamic you have together, vs, he's an abuser. It's really bothersome to me..... and we're supposed to hang out in person tomorrow too. Now I have to shut the door on discussions about my marriage and the abuse.

She might not be wrong on dynamics you two had as every couple in unhealthy relationship develops an unhealthy dynamic but it’s not something you need now. You can’t do anything about it.

Maybe tell her that you don’t mind discussing dynamics later on perhaps in order not to repeat same patterns in future relationships but right now you just aren’t ready for it.

I think it’s valid to explore our own behaviors too but the timing is wrong. There is nothing you can do about it now. Maybe ask her to shelf this topic for now

It’s like telling people in bad relationships that they shouldn’t have started it to begin with. Well no kidding but there is nothing you can about it!!!

Yes, although my point to her was that our dynamic is not the issue - it's his abuse that's the issue. Any victim of abuse will react with anger, rage, and upset... or they react and withdraw. Either way, there's a reaction. So it's the abusive dynamic that happens as a result of the abuser's behaviors.

I am not going to talk about the relationship very much with her going forward. We do not see eye to eye on this topic, and her perspective is hurtful to me, so I am choosing not to engage in it anymore.

Honestly? I feel depleted. My husband has sucked out my energy... energy vampire that he is. My friend kind of sucks my energy up too. I've got to quit this. I need people who feed me energy, vs. drain me and exasperate me.

I haven't texted with him since Friday morning. This is the longest (I think) that we've gone without speaking. It's very strange.

And now I am becoming depressed over the realization that I got duped by an abusive narcissist, who lied to me many different times, who deceived me and who tried to pull the wool over my eyes. All along, he repeatedly had told me "I am not wired to cheat", "You don't ever have anything to worry about when it comes to other women", "I am devoted to YOU and to YOU alone", "I don't even think of or consider other women".... this is what I heard over and over again from him. Then he does the unthinkable and cheats.

So was that all a smoke screen to get me to believe he's not a cheater, when in fact, he is a cheater? He also had cheated on his ex wife, yet told me he didn't consider a kiss as cheating. Come on. Get real. He also did not inform me of this kiss for months and months, telling me he had never stepped out of bounds with his ex wife. All cover ups, lies and smoke screen.

He also deceived me in the beginning about who he really is: telling me what a loving, caring, sweet and faithful partner he is. He fed me LINES.

It's depressing..... then again, in my gut this whole time I felt he was untrustworthy, based on the few lies I caught him in.

I had a really bad day. I was missing him badly. I am missing him badly. I am missing the companionship - the partnership. F-n hell. This SUCKS.

It’s normal to miss it and it’s normal to want partnership. That’s how we are wired. It’s going to get better.

Thanks, @divine1966. It's amplified by 100 due to the pandemic. This is the worst time in my life - unemployment, a pandemic and a divorce all at once??

I broke the silence between us last night - no texts between us since Friday AM. So I confronted him further on all his lies throughout our marriage, about how he would never cheat on me - said repeatedly and in numerous ways. He then claimed that he's never done this before in his life - yeah, right, I said. Like hell. He had cheated on his ex wife too! What a lie, and I told him so.

I told him he's a liar and a cheater - and that now I know this about him.

This is far from over for me on the emotional level.

He is still claiming that his cheating on me was "out of character" and because I had called the police.

I told him that a man of strong character would not have hurt me in the worst possible way - KNOWINGLY DOING SO - and that a man of strong character would have simply just talked to me about his anger over my calling the police.

SUCH BS I AM HEARING FROM HIM.

And as of this morning, he told me that it doesn't seem like I want to work things out - then he cut off all communications about anything other than apartment, moving, or divorce details. He is trying to control me still. I told him he doesn't rule over me. But now he won't listen anymore to me venting on him.

That's very very frustrating for me.

You could vent to other people. You can’t really vent to those who caused you to have to vent in the first place! He won’t change who he is or admits anything.

I know it’s frustrating of course

I'm not venting per se.. that's the wrong way for me to put it. My apologies - what I meant is I am still unloading my anger on him.

And yes, it's MOST frustrating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope I'm not venting per se.. that's the wrong way for me to put it. My apologies - what I meant is I am still unloading my anger on him. And yes, it's MOST frustrating.

Does unloading your anger on him make you feel better? Just asking cause when I did it, it just made me more angry to the point of actually seeing red (which I thought was just a saying until I experienced it)

It does make me feel better in the moment, but his responses to me make me angrier, so it's not as beneficial in the end. I see red too. It's not fun.

I have decided to stop all angry messages to him. He also won't reply to them anymore so it's pointless to keep it up.

The new thread is here: Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please