I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Yeah, he probably lied to HER about ME, and lied to ME about HER. I wouldn't put it past him.

For sure

He's still trying to control me. He doesn't want us talking, so he's probably lying about it to deter me from calling her back.

Another incident. At noon today I told him I had to go and no more texting. What does he do? He texts 2 hours later asking me for info he needs in order to pay his car bill TOMORROW. WHY did he feel the need to ask for this info RIGHT NOW, when he's not paying the bill until tomorrow? I feel like he's deliberately trying to control things and cross my boundaries - I specifically told him NO more texting.

Ladies, I need your help, please. His begging and pleading and tears got to me yesterday (right now it's getting to me). He seemed so sincerely apologetic and miserable to be without me. It's tugging on my heartstrings. And it's making me second guess myself. I know I have to follow through on a divorce, and I know in fact, that I will not back down on that. He's been most abusive towards me, then he cheated and has lied numerous times. Trust is completely gone, I don't trust that he wouldn't cheat again, and I know I deserve far better treatment than his abuse. But his pleas and begging got to me, and made me second guess... it made me think about what IF I did forgive him, what would that look like? It pulled on my heartstrings, which I think was his goal.

I also know it was manipulation on his part... and guess what? It worked, a little bit.

You’ve been questioning this marriage before that even started. You’d not be questioning if it was right. When it’s right you’d not question. There were reasons you did.

Please, he was nasty to you and demanding of your money and gifts right before wedding that you paid for. And then he had to get high AND score illegal drugs just to get through the wedding day and was nasty to you on the honeymoon. Really? Is that a sign of happily ever after? That’s just not normal

Personally I’d never trust him again and even if you check his phone daily, who knows what other means of communication he’d use? He is just not to be trusted. I’d not trust him. You’ve been married just over a year. A year and a half and he already texts other women his he is thinking about them. What’s he going to do in ten years. Not sure you want to find out . Plus who has that many issues and fights after such short marriage, it got so bad that police had to be called. That’s not normal and not a sign of a good marriage. Is that how you want to live your life? It’s energy consuming

I mean you are 50 now. If you stay together you’d be going through the same turmoil at 60 or at 70. But in addition you’ll be taking care of him because he is neglectful of his health. Plus daily use of pot is proven to effect mental abilities. You’d have a sick person on your hands. I understand it’s for sickness and health but not when there are issues that causes to threaten divorce every minute. Plus you didn’t know lots of things about him before marriage. You didn’t know his health or his finances

Of course he is miserable without you. That’s a given. Does it mean you should go through the same song and dance for years to come? I don’t know. What do you think?

@divine1966, thank you thank you thank you!!!

This is exactly what I needed to hear right now, and I agree with you 100% on all points.

I am having a moment of weakness. It's covid, I am isolated, I am alone, I am unemployed and lonely. I was missing the good parts of our relationship and was getting sucked into his begging and pleading on an emotional level. I was missing all the loving moments, and the times when he does shower me with love, attention, affection, gifts. etc. But I also thought of the fact that those loving moments also come with abuse, and that I must divorce NOW. I cannot go back to him. I will NEVER trust him again. Trust is ruined. He's proven himself to be a regular liar. I know I must follow through on this divorce, but given all of the circumstances which lend to my isolation and loneliness, it's making it THAT much harder. UGH.

I get it. These are tough times. You are vulnerable in this situation. It’s only normal to feel how you feel. I keep fingers crossed that jobs come your way. Working would make it easier in every sense

Thank you.

A job would most certainly help!!! A TON.

On the flip side, I am happy I have the mental space right now to grieve and experience the emotions because at work you have to hold all that in and back in oder to remain productive.

But yeah, if I can be working within the next month, it would be a blessing.

Reading my journal through at various points in this relationship helps me to stay grounded in reality.

I am feeling very sad in realizing that his love was not real love... it was/is a toxic love... it was needy love, not healthy love. He does not KNOW how to truly love, and cannot TRULY love me.

He KNEW that cheating was the ONE thing I would definitively divorce him over, and he KNEW how hurt I would be, yet he selfishly did this ANYWAYS and DESPITE this knowledge, which tells me that is NOT love... that is something else entirely. It's the opposite of love. IF he truly loved me, he NEVER would have betrayed me in the worst possible way. He knew full well how hurt I had been in the past by cheaters - and he didn't care.

He doesn't care about me, and this is very clear to me now. And I am mourning this realization.

He continues to claim he loves me soooo much.

Love does not involve hateful, mean, cruel, deceitful, and disrespectful acts..

love involves acts of kindness, compassion, respect, and true caring.

Thanks for posting this. I have to remind myself to journal. It is SO grounding

Now he's attacking me for contacting his mom, his work and his ex. He's trying to turn the tables on me and is trying to deflect HIS wrongdoings onto me, for simply reacting to his infidelity. F him. And that's what I just told him just now. He's continuing to abuse me.

You’ll contact whoever you want. Sure maybe you better off not contacting them but not because what he says. He is not in charge of who you contact. He is not the boss here

If he did nothing wrong you’d not be contacting anyone. And it’s not uncommon to contact people’s exes. People do background checks and all kind of checks on people. He needs to shut up

Exactly - and I just told him that too:

"I will contact whomever I please - you do not rule over me. You do NOT dictate what I do."

Apparently his ex is recovering from breast removal surgery. I did not know this when I called her the other night.

But HE claims that his ex was completely HORRIFIED that I called her. He claims he told her what had happened between us, and he claims that she does NOT want me ever contacting her again.

I call BS. I think he's completely lying about 1) what he said to her about what happened between us and 2) lying about her response to my calling her.

BS. He's just trying to deter me from calling her again.

AND... he's now claiming that he was angry and weak when he decided to have this said affair. He has brought up several times my having called the police on him that one night as being a HUGE thorn in his side and issue for him. So, putting two and two together, he was outraged that I called the police, so he acted out his feelings and did the most hurtful thing he could think of to do to me: cheat and have an affair.

And the thing is, I called the police that night because I was SCARED of him... HE was raging at ME. But now somehow it's all MY fault that he did this.

I HATE how he twists everything around in order to excuse himself.

Why is he telling his ex what happened in your marriage? That’s not appropriate. You aren’t allowed to call people but he is allowed to air dirty laundry to his ex? Who does that??? My ex and I do talk to each other but he’d never say anything bad about his wife and id never listened. Why is it even a topic of discussion???

You had no way of knowing that she is sick. That’s understandable she doesn’t want to deal with it.

I am sure he told her that you are crazy and of course now she is horrified.

YEP - it's probably the case!!!

I bet when she asked why your wife is calling me he said “she is jealous I am having innocent chat with a coworker she is always so jealous of other women and she is so mad she is calling police all the time over nothing. You are sick and you’ll be sicker if you call her back she is so vicious.” How much you want to bet?

That's probably pretty accurate! However, since she also knows him and did for 14 years, perhaps she will be a bit smarter than to believe his lies. Then again, why should I care what SHE thinks anyways? She's not important in my life.

This is a portion of what I got from him this morning over text:

This could have been fixed I hate what I did in a time of anger and weakness you will call that BS, I hate what it caused for you. I miss and love you but understand from your words and actions since that that can’t happen. So I’m unhappy, remorseful and upset beyond words.

Yet he chastises you about things. That’s not remorseful. He is remorseful he got caught

Yep. Precisely.

I had a good day in terms of much needed therapeutic relief.

I spoke with my best girlfriend for over an hour. Then I spoke with my abuse advocate for over an hour. Then I talked at length with my sister. Then I had my therapy appt.

I have to say.... after ALL of that therapy today, I feel a bit better. I know this much: the less I engage with him, the less he is able to trigger me. I am sooo much better off when we're not talking at all. So I can focus on my life, my healing and on moving forward.

I will be heading to my parents' house soon, vacating the apartment again so he can move stuff and the cats tonight.

Then tomorrow I am on my own for the entire day and night.... which may be difficult for me, but also healing and important for reconnecting with MYSELF again.

Then he is to return here at the apartment Sunday at 10 AM. I will vacate again so that I do not have to see him. That's all a part of my self protection strategy: to minimize all communications and all contact to only what is absolutely necessary. I told him NO more texting today, unless it's important.

My advocate told me that there is such a thing as emotional safety planning... and that it what I am doing now.

IF he breaks or crosses my boundary in between tonight and Sunday about nonsense, I will not reply.