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#1
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I have a short list of people I regularly talk to: my grandparents, my best friend Jessica, and my sister. Most recently I have been texting my brother every day because he has been helping me move out and has been SO supportive.
I live with my parents, and they are toxic people to live with, henceforth, the need to move out. The problem is, my parents moved me out of state and I have only made one solid friend...someone I only see every three months unless I get lucky. I am very, very lonely, so in a given day I call my friendlist in a vicious cycle...I start by calling my sister...she has PTSD so very rarely picks up, then Jessica, then grandparents, then Jessica, then sister again...a few times a week I'll text the friend I have up here...this list of friends can be called two or three times a day. And then there's my brother. We do not speak much, but he has been so supportive of helping me move out, and for over a week I'll text him once a day giving him updates. I worry I am crossing so many lines by going through my friend list once or twice a day...that it is unhealthy to call or text my friends and relatives once or twice a day. I don't know how to solve this habit. Ultimately, I am very lonely and the parents make the loneliness felt to the extreme. I'm curious if I need to learn how to live independently or if I need to make friends. Mind you, it's hard making new friends in a pandemic. My grandparents tend to feel strain if I call too much, so I try to make it appoint to email them with non-important updates and call them for big news...but that doesn't always work that way. My sister will call me when she can, but we are more pen pals. And Jessica and I talk the most, she will tell me if she's not in the mood to call or text and I will do the same for her. And my big issue right now is with my brother. I don't want to overly text him, but I do want to update him on my progress and I am forming a new relationship with him because normally we don't text much, and I'd hate to drive away that relationship by overly texting him. Any advice? |
![]() Bill3, Discombobulated
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#2
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Dear LiteraryLark,
You describe the situation so clearly. I wish had advice for you but sadly I am kind of in the same boat and have to play it by ear. I think your thoughts and feelings about all this are completely understandable. Maybe wiser, more experienced and more insightful people will see your post and have something helpful to offer. Its sounds to me that you are on top the situation and aware of all the various possible consequences and permutations. You sound like a wonderful person and I am so sorry I am unable to be helpful to you in this. I hope you find what works best for you Sincerely yours, Yao Wen |
![]() Discombobulated, LiteraryLark
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![]() LiteraryLark
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#3
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I’ll be honest i don’t see texting someone daily as a problem. There are several people I text daily and I think many people text others daily. I don’t think people could get overwhelmed with texts as they don’t have to immediately respond. Calling might be a bit different as it’s more time consuming so maybe I’d try to limit how you call by a bit but texting is no biggie. I really don’t see how what you are doing is so excessive.
Having said that i hear you .....especially about moving away....it’s hard to make new friends in a new place and it’s hard to find time for things if you work and go to school (I immigrated in my 30s and it took me a good minute to find friends and then I was too busy to keep friendships etc so I get it). How is your moving out going? Are you going to live with a roommate? Interesting enough roommates could become friends. My daughter lived with roommates for years and she made some friends for life. Well she also lived with some horrid people but that’s how it goes. |
![]() Discombobulated, LiteraryLark, RoxanneToto
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#4
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Has anyone complained about you texting or calling them too much?
You seem to have a good agreement with your sister (i.e. her calling when she can) and with your best friend (i.e. letting one another know if either one is not in the mood). Unless you are placing expectations on people (be it sister, bf or brother) or crossing their boundaries, I don't see a problem... If you want to be sure you can always ask them 'hey, am I texting/calling too much?' or something like that. |
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![]() Bill3, Discombobulated, LiteraryLark
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#5
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My parents make me second guess myself. They always act so annoyed when I talk to them and they're always yelling at me for giving them too much information, AKA details about my day. And they're always telling me to quit texting them and bothering them.
So I worry that everyone else feels this way about me. Moving is going really well. I found a place, but first I sent out for applications to jobs I think I could do very well in and would pay for my expenses. I'm in the process of setting up a phone interview and a video interview. |
![]() Bill3, Discombobulated, RoxanneToto
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#6
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Lark, could it be your parents are overwhelmed by your number of texts to them? You mention you text other people once or twice a day. Are you texting your parents more than that?
I'm an old fart and freely admit it. I don't get texting someone you live with. Why not walk down the hall and talk f2f? What you posted about texting/calling other people sounds reasonable to me. I agree with those who suggested you ask people if you think you are bothering them. Congrats on moving out! |
![]() LiteraryLark, unaluna
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#7
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![]() Discombobulated, lizardlady
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#8
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I think in this instance it is your parents who are the issue - they sound disrespectful. It’s natural to second guess yourself though and I I agree you should check with everyone else you text/call anyway, to see if anyone else does feel the same, but if they’re ok with how much you text/call then feel free to carry on as normal with them. I’m not sure what to advise regarding your parents, however. That sounds like a tough relationship to work with.
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![]() LiteraryLark, Rive.
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#9
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Lark, I can relate to what you are going through. Sometimes I worry that I reach out too much. I live alone and don't have many friends. I've tried calling family but I've been told that I call too much or that the other person is not in the mood to talk. I miss talking to people. The only time I use my voice is when I talk to my cats. So, like you, I go down the list and text people in my family. I just say, "Hi! How are you?" Every time, there are 2 or 3 people that don't respond. I don't understand it. But hey! It is what it is.
As someone suggested, perhaps you can ask. You may not be bothering anyone with your texts. But if it's a concern, just check-in. I was concerned about messaging a friend too much. So I asked. I found out I was worried for nothing. Best of luck to you on your move!
__________________
‘Live for now,’ ‘This too shall pass,’ ‘Everything is happening for my good.’ |
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#10
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Lark, I agree with Roxanne Toto. It sounds like your parents are the problem, not you. My father used to do the same to me. It is hurtful. It's also easy to doubt yourself.
If you are concerned about others, I would go ahead and ask if you call/text too often. |
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#11
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Hi LiteraryLark I don't know if it's helpful to say "me too" but yes, in this case I can identify.
I have one friend who I wasn't very close with but fond of and all through this pandemic she has whatsapped me daily. I have got used to it - addicted almost. But I worry I am too much - in fact today she didn't WhatsApp me so I held back and gave her space and she hasn't been in touch. I am wondering if she needs space but doesn't like to say. People here are very sensible when they say ask people if they need space. I wish I could. I am too scared of the answer! I hope you feel braver and think it would be good if you could. Honestly from my perspective if it's family there is no such thing as too much - I would run over hot coals for any of them. So your brother, your parents, those are special bonds in my opinion. Texting daily isn't too much in those circumstances imo. I wonder if your parents tuning out in your company is triggering something in you? Like a need to be heard and recognised? Just a thought. |
![]() LiteraryLark
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#12
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Its good to have family and friends you can talk to, but its better to have some alone time and enjoy being alone from time to time. If you keep on communicating with family and friends, you may start to be dependant on them. That can cause major problems down the line.
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![]() LiteraryLark
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#13
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However, I am moving out on my own, no roommates, so I will have to learn to live comfortably on my own by myself. It's a great opportunity for me to step away from my toxic relationship with my parents and truly discover more about me, but I am not sure how I will deal with the loneliness. Luckily, I am seeing my T today and I am sure she will help me sort things out. |
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