[mountainstream]

I've been love bombed by people I think are Narcissists. They disappear and I am hurt. What traits do they look for?

[TishaBuv]

I think they look for people who fawn over them- narcissistic supply.

[Open Eyes]

Here is one article:

Why Some People are Naturally Attracted to Narcissists | The Exhausted Woman

However, they like to get as many as possible that can admire them or cater to their needs. They also like to find ways to pull down anyone they consider a threat.

[MsLady]

I think they're drawn to inexperienced, vulnerable, and wounded beings. They test boundaries early on to see how moldable and forgiving their mates will be. They'll probe for personal information about the past to see how victimized one has become.. and then they love bomb.

It's good news these people have left you. You may be doing something right.

[divine1966]

Narcissists prey upon vulnerable, emotionally fragile, lacking confidence, extreme people pleasers etc. I agree with MsLady, narcissists like to find weak spot and then take advantage of it.

[Open Eyes]

They want power over, power and position and control. They want to be the big guy and will use others and toss them. But there are different kinds too. But they typically play the same loop to get their needs met.

[Open Eyes]

Came across a good youtube talk. Interesting what this man has to say. There are other video talks too.

Why do I attract narcissists? - Yahoo Video Search Results

Ugh, I can't find the one I watched. It was so good explaining narcissists compared to empaths and then the average person. Well, anyway, there are many different video talks about this subject.

This one is really good and breaks down the comparison

[seesaw]

Narcissists will try their game with everyone. They infiltrate with people who can't enforce their boundaries. For example, a narc love bombs you then smacks you in the face. Healthy people who have healthy boundaries would walk away and never look back (and file a police report). But some of us go and say, but they are so nice most of the time! I feel so good when they say all those nice things! If I'm just nice enough, tiptoe around them enough, say all the right things, they will praise me again. We unhealthy people (me included) ignore these breaches of boundary and, in a way, allow the abuse by not walking away the instant it happens the very first time. Many people speculate that if you grew up with abuse like this or were groomed for it that it's hard to reprogram yourself to walk away from these people the second they behave badly. I agree with that. I am finally starting to implement boundaries, and I've recently been purging people who don't respect boundaries from my life.

I don't think everyone is a narc, but I think a lot of people are unhealthy and not emotionally aware of themselves.

The other thing is that if you confronted this person on how they hurt you, they'd turn it all around and blame you, and not express one iota of regret that anything in the interaction hurt you. A good friend or reasonable person would express regret that you'd been hurt and talk about it. They might be a little defensive, but they'd want to work it out. In my experience, people like this (I don't like to label them narcs) don't care about repairing the relationship. They just want you to shut up and take it.

I don't know if this rings true for anyone else.

[Have Hope]

I have been involved with several narcissists. I don't think of myself as emotionally fragile, an extreme people pleaser, or lacking in confidence. That makes me feel like I am deficient in some way simply because I have been a target more than once.

In fact, I am quite strong and exude a lot of confidence, and I have no problem telling someone where to get off.

When I have gotten involved with a narcissist, I happen to have been in a far more vulnerable state in my life, ie, I just had broken up with someone and I was very lonely, wanting true love from someone new.

They do test boundaries early on, and if one isn't astute to this, or if one doesn't enforce boundaries, then the narcissist will take it a step farther.

Narcissists are known to be attracted to empaths. Being empathic to me is a positive trait, yet it makes one more vulnerable to the narcissist.

Here's a good article that outlines the traits a narcissist looks for, empathy being one of the traits - the traits a narcissist is attracted to the MOST are in fact positive traits to own. I think it's very erroneous to identify more negative or unappealing traits in a target of narcissists.

Anyone can be a target.

5 Qualities Malignant Narcissists Look For In Their Victims – And How They Use Them Against You | Thought Catalog

[Rive.]

Someone they could prey on and manipulate to their heart's content (e.g. someone vulnerable, isolated, low self-esteem, needing to be loved etc.)

[Open Eyes]

There are things that trigger me and it's taken me a long time to slowly identify them and figure out where they came from. And what I discovered is how it started when I was just a baby, same for my older brother. And often it's something we unknowingly learn to accept and work around in our environment.

My older sister is a malignant narcissist. I did not even know what that was as a child and did my best to work around it. Ever since I can remember my sister was bossy and controlling and whenever I played with her it was understood that she was in control and I had to do things HER way. From the beginning for both me and my older brother, my sister did not want either of us to exist and wanted our parents all to herself.

I have talked about ways to exit confrontation, and the best way to do that is to let this kind of person think they won. They have to have THEIR EGO victorious otherwise they want to punish and they don't care how they punish and they can be obsessed with their need to punish for their OWN EGO. This means, they are the victim in the picture, they are the victor, and they have special powers and they do better than everyone else and they are right and you are wrong. They always need to control their own narriative and feel like they deserve the attention and are right. They take pleasure in getting a chance to pick apart your opinion because they need to have their opinion as being the right opinion. And they need perfection or their idea of perfection to be happy. They really believe THEY deserve the power and they crave an audience. And they tend to make everything about them.

I watched a man talk about the difference between average and a bell curve and explain the difference between narcissists and empaths. He explained how the top of the bell is average and how each side represents the degree of narcissism on one side and empaths on the other. There are degrees of narcissism that as you go further down the curve the closer one gets to NPD. And what he described was lack of empathy the further down the bell curve. And same for empaths with increasing sensitivity. And often what attracts the narcissist is how the empath is more likely to cater to them as they are good listeners and are so caring and more apt to set aside their own needs for that of the narcissist.

What is hard is that the more narcissistic someone is, the less capable they are of actually caring which is hard on the empath who IS caring. They can only ACT like they care but it's all superficial. Whereas, for the empath it's genuine caring. Narcissists tend to make the same problems over and over again as they are not capable of actually engaging and a deeper caring relationship. They tend to go from one person to the next for their needs and ego fix hense they fail to have genuine lasting relationships (unless their partner gives them the control they want constantly). They are possessive in a sense of ownership and it's not about love. It's more about needing an audience for their OWN EGO and having control over in possessive ways. They convince themselves and others "it's always someone else's fault" when things don't go their way.

[TishaBuv]

It’s understandable to feel hurt when someone acts like they really care and then drops us. I call those people mixed up (at best), users, or intentionally malicious. I’m not comfortable with calling someone a narcissist when they did not share with us any diagnosis, nor do they have one. It bothers me to see it flung around in assumption.

Very greedy, malicious people crookedly did my family out of money. Messed up exes lured me into intimacy then dumped me.

All the comments on this thread about narcissistic behavior were excellently educating.

[Open Eyes]

I know what you mean Tisha. Often that's the answer people use when they experience problems. Even a narcissist will use it as a way to blame others to avoid being responsible for their own part in whatever did not go well for them.

What I liked about the video I watched was how the man explained the bell curve and average being on top and then traveling down each side of the bell explaining degrees of narcissism and degrees of empaths and why they often end up together in relationships. I thought I gave a link but the link just brought me to many videos on the topic. I could not find this one mans video that I found so helpful. I looked for it several times too. I guess there are just so many youtube video talks on the subject that his got lost. If I find it I will post it.

Just checked again and I found it. It was interesting and I found it helpful.

[TishaBuv]

I agree there was definitely something wrong with the people who acted so awfully. I just always thought of them as bad, messed up people. I felt some empathy for them from the various reasons that likely made them that way. I feel bad for my prior comment if I offended anyone.

[Open Eyes]

What I liked about the last link I posted is how the man explained the bell curve and degrees of narcissism. People tend to label NPD a lot when a person may not be to that extreme. There really is a spectrum and some can have a high level of narcissism but not be NPD. There is also "healthy" narcissism that is more of a positive and not a negative.

@TishaBuv I never used the term "toxic, narcissistic, trigger, abusive, abuser", I would typically use words like "that person is very selfish" or mean and I paid attention to behaviors and avoiding certain people who had bad behaviors. I also focused on learning disorders and the behaviors that present with these different challenges and how to best deal with them. Truth is there is NOT a black and white, there really is a lot of gray and different things to consider when it comes to behaviors.

It was not until I needed help and therapy due to either dealing with the learning disabilities, also alcoholism issues, but mostly due to my developing ptsd from a major trauma I experienced. That's when I began reading and also learning about personality disorders via a therapist and psychiatrist. Lately it seems like everyone likes to label, especially labeling others as narcissists and thinking their knowledge means they can be a psychologist/therapist. WRONG.

It's not a crime if you had navigated by observing behaviors and distancing from individuals who expressed selfish and manipulative behaviors.

[herbal tea]

I think that narcissistic people choose a partner who puts themselves and their interests in second place. And in the first place, they put their narcissistic partner.

Narcissists do not think about feelings, only about what is beneficial to them.

Therefore, in order not to associate with such people anymore, you need to love yourself. Be a little selfish, think about your interests first. Don't let anyone use you.

[Bill3]