Anger and grief

As an adult, I look at my younger 20-something self and can't help it but being angry because my family has been so disfunctional

It's not truly anger (I love my family and Missing my lost father) I must say
but damn, i keep saying: "If I could observe myself from an external point of view, i would have done something more"
It was so obvious that I was depressed and problematic in my early twenties and couldnt take care of my life
They've been so lost and childish themselves even of they bad a regular life
I hate that even the psycotherapy that I did around 2013-2014 couldnt help me enough to dig more about what happened
My life is lost, I've done sooo incredibly bad and been a bad person.
I'm so sad that I could not realize important things before
Some people that I treated poorly in my younger years even died without getting some excuses or closures.
I never graduated.
I have been in bed and time flew

My sister look like a monster to me. I can't believe she ignored me so much
Her life and been okay, but she lacks in empathy so much. Damn

I know this is a classic; but i did help younger people in my life
Older people didn't do it with me

She lacks empathy? That sucks

She has issues but never did psycotherapy
She may have some Asperger traits but never get diagnosis
She's been distant and never fully involved in relationships
I love her and tried to behave like a sister to her, protective
But didn't get the same

I do not have a sister

I do not have Aspergers traits but have a couple of friends who do.

I have found them hard to understand sometimes

If she is very distant maybe she has ''more'' than Aspergers but I am no expert

I grew up with a dad who I am sure was on the ASD spectrum....talk about having dysfunctional parents. I really never put all the pieces together till long after both my parents had died & I finally ended up with an outstanding therapist. I ended up married for 33 years to a guy who was most certainly on the spectrum. Sadly it is amazing how peaceful my life is now that the stress that was caused by them is no longer in my life. None were diagnosed because it wasn't diagnosed in the US till 1994.....but all the traits fit perfectly.

I had to actually learn how to connect with people after living around family who's connection was always at a superficial level. I sensed there was more to connecting with people than that but couldn't get there luving in that environmemt

It happens that older people do not pay attention to the problems of young people. It seems to them that if you are young, then you can not have problems, especially psychological.
I remember watching TV once and my grandmother was at my house. And on TV there was a program about depression, that this is a common problem among young people. So my grandmother started saying that this is a fool, young people just pretend to be depressed to justify their laziness. I was just shocked.
Of course, it is very convenient not to pay attention to the problems of others. But everything comes back with a boomerang.

Please sorry for this post, i just don't know where to put my grief anymore
It's too late and I can't believe what I've been in my twenties. It's just so sad and meaningless. I am sorry

Good post

I'm sending hugs and empathy. I hope one day you will realise there is no need to apologize for sharing of pain, it is actually healthier than keeping it all in. I do not think you were as ''bad'' in your twenties as you think

It is ''normal'' to make ''mistakes'' especially when ''young''...in fact it is always NORMAL... otherwise how do people learn and 20 something is very YOUNG... despite what some malicious people might think

Maybe someone had made you feel ''bad'' when very young.... (as a young cub) (they had with me )

Actually... I think you will be able to heal from this. Or ''improve'' anyway. It is NOT ''too late''... I believe in you. I hope you keep sharing.

I agree...

I also agree it is very convenient to not pay attention to the problems of others....

@eskielover thanks for sharing this. It's helpful to me Good post