[SunnyCoast]

Hi all,

I’m in a bit of a bind. I’ve been what some may call a “serial dater” my whole life. I had minor OCD my whole life and it’s always made me over-analytical when choosing who I would go out with. I’d never been in a relationship longer than two months - at least nothing serious. I’ve always been very academically focused. Last year I met a woman online in a forum and we hit it off. Turned out we lived just a state away from each other. We didn’t have intentions of dating in the beginning but online talks led to phone calls which led to video dates and then several in-person visits. We’ve been dating for six months now and we visit each other regularly.

My problem is not so much in the long distance aspect but in the fact that I have no idea what I’m supposed to be feeling. In the beginning the infatuation was real. I was drawn to her mind but I also found her very beautiful. It was something I usually had to trade off in my dating experience - I could have beauty or I could have a strong mind. She was different. She was both.

We spent a lot of time with each other and progressed quickly. It seems we quickly got into each other’s problems and integrated into each other’s families. We never had any issues with communication - our arguments are resolved very quickly and efficiently. Our ethics and morals align, we have similar interests but different hobbies, so on paper it’s all pretty perfect.

This last two weeks I’ve felt like the romantic infatuation has left. I see her flaws, and I don’t want to leave her, but I feel more of a peace and comfort around her rather than a heart-racing passion. I feel almost as I do when I visit my sister - like a comfort, where I can let loose around her, and a deep care, but not a passion. When I hold her, I feel relaxed and comfortable, not sexual. Is this normal? Is it good? I’m still attracted to her but not passionate.

Having never gotten this serious with someone before I am really curious if it is normal. Do I need to change things up to try to bring this passion back or is it good for the future of us?

Thank you!

[Yaowen]

Dear SunnyCoast,

What you describe is very similar to something that happened to me before in a relationship. Unfortunately in my case, I was not able to recapture the lost passion.

In another relationship, however, I found that passion would ebb and flow like a tide. There would be long periods when the passion was gone and then it would return. And the whole thing would cycle.

I wish I had some advice for you. There are books out there on keeping passion alive and probably articles on the internet by psychologists on the same theme.

I can really identify with what you are going through and am so very, very sorry I don't have an answer. Hopefully others here on the Forums will see your post and respond to it with something really helpful. Sorry I could not be helpful. I hope that by and by that things work out for the best for you!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[RoxanneToto]

What you’re describing is how a healthy relationship should feel - you see the flaws and still accept the other person as a whole. It just sounds like you reached the end of the honeymoon period, which is generally when the real relationship either begins, or you feel the need to split.
The whole “racing hearts” etc thing is mostly Hollywood fantasy, and not totally realistic when it comes to true, healthy love. Of course some passion is good, but healthy attachment and no need for drama in order to feel connected is much better.
I hope it continues to go well for you both!

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

What you’re describing is how a healthy relationship should feel - you see the flaws and still accept the other person as a whole. It just sounds like you reached the end of the honeymoon period, which is generally when the real relationship either begins, or you feel the need to split.
The whole “racing hearts” etc thing is mostly Hollywood fantasy, and not totally realistic when it comes to true, healthy love. Of course some passion is good, but healthy attachment and no need for drama in order to feel connected is much better.
I hope it continues to go well for you both!

Interestingly enough, I've read that this is individual. Some people need the "drama" (not toxic drama ofc), and some don't.

[Alive99]

Originally Posted by SunnyCoast

When I hold her, I feel relaxed and comfortable, not sexual. Is this normal? Is it good? I’m still attracted to her but not passionate.

Having never gotten this serious with someone before I am really curious if it is normal. Do I need to change things up to try to bring this passion back or is it good for the future of us?

Are you still able to feel sexual about her, just not all the time?


I personally find that I need more emotional stimulation after a while or the emotions will die, yeah. (Attraction may remain but otherwise nothing.) Maybe like after 8 months is when I need the relationship "step up" to another level, in the emotional sense. When I need some new stimulation. That's my theory anyway..........

[TishaBuv]

I agree with Roxannetoto’s comment, but an concerned you do not feel passion or sexual toward her at all now. Time will tell when you are together, hopefully some passion will spark enough for you to be sexual. It sounds like a good relationship. Give it a chance.