[Fuzzybear]

I wasn't sure where to post this. I was thinking of posting it somewhere else, but I've decided to post it here. I might post it, or similar, there too.

1. Forgiveness. In general, I try to be forgiving. I forgive most people. Some transgressions.... mostly irl, are very hard for me to forgive. How about you?

2. Another forum (not msf) is making me ''ill'' and there isn't a simple or black and white answer to this.

3. It still sometimes bothers me how I was ''ghosted'' somewhere else. By someone who asked me very personal questions in private. And just stopped communicating with no explanation after I had said a lot to her And continued on as if nothing had happened. And ''reported'' me. She did exactly the same thing that I received a nasty message about I don't think I've posted about that in this particular forum before. This person is not and never has been on msf.

4. I do not like being labelled as ''needy'' or ''weak'' and frankly I find both those labels offensive and not even accurate. How can such labelling be in any way supportive. It cannot... imho. I am not ''weak''... whatever that even means. A while ago, about 10 years ago in fact (on a Christian forum) the forum leader ''justified'' someone else's lack of respect to me with ''you are weak''.... Wow just wow. I was very new there, I had only known any of them (even somewhat) for a couple of months. NOBODY has the right to define me. I define myself.

That no longer stings, I think it's rather pathetic for a so called leader to be so... lacking in any form of social skills amongst many other things. I am still in some contact with that ''leader'' elsewhere. Fortunately she has not disrespected me again, or I would have either told her what I felt in no uncertain terms, or cut off contact.

I do not usually like cutting off contact with anyone. I believe that most people are capable of positive growth and change. (the other forum leader there simply deleted me somewhere else when I was unable to play the ''games'' due to a severe physical health issue

idk... I do not understand some people sometimes Both those people seemed rather.... ''selfish''...... something I have been accused of by both of my Parental Units. I think they were WRONG. They were ''selfish''.... for decades And also exceedingly emotionally rigid. And more. Also, they were ALWAYS ''right''

Any supportive replies are welcome.

[lizardlady]

Fuzzy, your #4 really stood out for me. For years I bought into the belief I was weak. Then one day it flipped around in my head. I wasn't weak, I was strong. I'd survived living through, er, hades. Yes, I had emotional scars, but I survived.

I'm glad you define yourself! Good for you!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

Fuzzy, your #4 really stood out for me. For years I bought into the belief I was weak. Then one day it flipped around in my head. I wasn't weak, I was strong. I'd survived living through, er, hades. Yes, I had emotional scars, but I survived.

I'm glad you define yourself! Good for you!

Thanks lizardlady (good post)

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I wasn't sure where to post this. I was thinking of posting it somewhere else, but I've decided to post it here. I might post it, or similar, there too.

1. Forgiveness. In general, I try to be forgiving. I forgive most people. Some transgressions.... mostly irl, are very hard for me to forgive. How about you?

2. Another forum (not msf) is making me ''ill'' and there isn't a simple or black and white answer to this.

3. It still sometimes bothers me how I was ''ghosted'' somewhere else. By someone who asked me very personal questions in private. And just stopped communicating with no explanation after I had said a lot to her And continued on as if nothing had happened. And ''reported'' me. She did exactly the same thing that I received a nasty message about I don't think I've posted about that in this particular forum before. This person is not and never has been on msf.

4. I do not like being labelled as ''needy'' or ''weak'' and frankly I find both those labels offensive and not even accurate. How can such labelling be in any way supportive. It cannot... imho. I am not ''weak''... whatever that even means. A while ago, about 10 years ago in fact (on a Christian forum) the forum leader ''justified'' someone else's lack of respect to me with ''you are weak''.... Wow just wow. I was very new there, I had only known any of them (even somewhat) for a couple of months. NOBODY has the right to define me. I define myself.

That no longer stings, I think it's rather pathetic for a so called leader to be so... lacking in any form of social skills amongst many other things. I am still in some contact with that ''leader'' elsewhere. Fortunately she has not disrespected me again, or I would have either told her what I felt in no uncertain terms, or cut off contact.

I do not usually like cutting off contact with anyone. I believe that most people are capable of positive growth and change. (the other forum leader there simply deleted me somewhere else when I was unable to play the ''games'' due to a severe physical health issue

idk... I do not understand some people sometimes Both those people seemed rather.... ''selfish''...... something I have been accused of by both of my Parental Units. I think they were WRONG. They were ''selfish''.... for decades And also exceedingly emotionally rigid. And more. Also, they were ALWAYS ''right''

Any supportive replies are welcome.

#1: I think forgiveness is an overplayed concept that has become weaponized. Like, if you don't forgive you are somehow a bad person. For me, there are some things in life, some transgressions as you say, where forgiveness doesn't have anything to do with the matter.

I don't forgive my monster of a bio father or brother because there's no forgiveness to be given. I think forgiveness gets mistaken for mercy or compassion. I cannot forgive someone for whom there will be no future relationship. Forgiveness is also about re-building trust, and I cannot do that with those who do not seek forgiveness. THis is why forgiveness is mistaken for mercy or compassion. I can give mercy to my monster bio dad and brother. If he were to become severely ill, I would have mercy and be able to make sure he received care. It does not constitute any forgiveness, but simply compassion that he is a human who is ill. That is all. I do not lose my humanity and ability to give mercy or compassion because of what he's done to me. However, this is different than forgiveness.

So I do not think you need to dwell on your capacity to forgive. Maybe ask yourself this: if this person were dying and needed someone to call 911. Would you?

2: Is there a reason you cannot leave this other forum? You are not a bad person or needy or weak because one forum isn't a safe place for you. I was in another forum that became unsafe for me, and I left. It doesn't make me bad. It doesn't make you bad either to protect yourself.

3: Don't know where to start with this. I know exactly the behavior you're talking about. All I can say is that whatever it was, it was entirely about that other person. Not you. They just directed it at you.

4: People who call others needy or weak are just bullies who bully others because we have emotions. Screw them. You are not wrong for feeling things. You are not wrong for having emotional needs. Those people sound like crappy leaders to me with very low emotional intelligence, and certainly low empathy/compassion intelligence.

I am sorry these things are bothering you. What I wish I could give to you was the knowledge that most of these things are happening directed at you, but have very little to do with you. I think you are allowing the projections of other people to inform your opinion of yourself (I'm guessing, maybe I'm just projecting myself). Try not to let other people create your idea of your identity. Especially it sort of sounds like these are not the kind of people whose opinions you would seek out anyways, right?

I suppose I disagree with you that most people are capable of positive growth. Well, perhaps capable is not the right word. Is it possible? Sure. But I think most people are unable to access their capacity for growth. I wish them growth in the future, but I don't sit around and wait for it.

I hope this is supportive; that is my intent! (Hugs)

[RoxanneToto]

Your last point, about your parents being selfish, it sounds like projection on their part. And besides, there’s different degrees of selfishness - it’s not always a bad thing.

[Bill3]

NOBODY has the right to define me. I define myself.

I applaud this Bear assertiveness!