[Karmma]

Married 17 years and as the children have gotten older it's become more painfully obvious how lonely and sheltered life has become. My husband has no interest in having friends, doing anything socially, or leaving his office/computer/books. He was dx Aspergers about 16 yrs ago so I guess there's a reason.
This is a re-marriage and my past relationships and growing up was so completely opposite with lots of activities, vacations, social events, etc. The holidays, like today July 4th, are becoming so painful I'm not sure if I can deal with another one alone watching outside as others have parties and laugh together while enjoying each other's company.

I try to stay busy with housework, hobbies, grocery shopping and just got a PT job. Or do something by myself but it seems to reinforce or make the issue worse for me when I go off by myself, if that makes sense. At the heart of the issue is the fact I really want to share good times with a partner. It doesn't have to be smothering, just once in awhile.

He was never extremely outgoing but the isolation has progressed to a pretty solid lifestyle pattern now and to taking him out of his comfort zone is usually not worth his outward discontent, obligatory actions, apathy and impatience.

I do have occasional outings with my adult children but they have lives of their own. The blame is on myself for reaching this point as I've tailored my life without realizing to his liking.

Discussions and marriage therapy with him have not helped although to be fair they were mostly centered on him not being physically close with me and relationship issues with the children. This is more of a roommate situation with 2 people that care about each other due to the traits common to those challenged by very high-functioning ASD.

I'm just looking for any similar situations people might have and how they have made it better.

Thanks for reading this far. I appreciate all he has given us by ways of being a good provider and even-tempered. I add this because I don't want for my looking for help be misconstrued as ungrateful.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to the forums! I think that my SO may have very high functioning ASD. We do have a good relationship but it's hard to work on some issues... he does not want to talk to a ''professional'' (even for one session) and in this forest where we live I do not blame him one bit. I have seen therapists who were not at all helpful to me. I hear that in most places therapists are much more helpful. I do not have any advice right now but just wanted to welcome you.

[RoxanneToto]

You don’t sound ungrateful to me - it’s not unreasonable to want to share good times with the people you love (though I am kind of like your husband too, so I can see both sides here). I’m sorry you’re struggling, though. I don’t have any good advice, but I hope you can find a solution.

[MickeyCheeky]

i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that you don't seem ungrateful to me. i think it's normal to want to expand your social circle. You've said you've already tried to discuss this with your husband, can i ask you what did he reply to you? You don't have to answer. Perhaps try to make a Life for yourself. i understand it's not the same things as sharing it with your partner but i think it may still be useful for you. Give it a try if you aren't already of course. Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Karmma, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Marie123]

I had a (now ex) husband like that, and so I had to make my own life; it was very lonely.

[divine1966]

On one hand you can always do your own things and find social life on your own. I am not in a lonely marriage but I still like to go out and about on my own or girlfriends, not all the time of course. On the other hand if you two have nothing in common and don’t hang out together why be married?

Some of your husbands issues with socializing is likely due to ASD and maybe a wife with no interest in social life would be a good match for him but you want more than that. I am not suggesting to divorce of course but if you want to stay married you simply have to have your own life. Just because he wants to be alone and isolated it doesn’t mean you should. Not at all

[Rose76]

I don't have many words of wisdom to offer. I mainly want to say I'm sorry you are in this situation. To be forced into the social isolation that your husband prefers is an awfully tough way to live. It's terribly unfair to you.

[RoxanneToto]

I agree you shouldn’t make your needs less of a priority than his. Marriage is meant to be a partnership, but this feels like more than a compromise on your part. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking your spouse should provide all your social needs like many people seem to think is how it should be for couples (I mean in general, not anybody here on the forum).

[poshgirl]

Karmma, you are definitely not ungrateful as you recognise your husband's problems. However, you are a human with personal/social needs. I do feel your sadness that you cannot enjoy other activities with your husband.

Unfortunately, I cannot offer any suggestions other than not to give up. I know this may sound heavy but you should look after yourself and not accede to his wishes. Are there any groups you can join associated with existing hobbies or even new ones?

This situation is not confined to women, I know a few men who have lonely marriages because their wives are no longer interested in them and the shared/intimate activities they expected from their marriage. Whether there's a medical reason or not, it is so sad.