[CarolClark45]

I have troubles with my teen son. He doesn't want to study at all. We swear every day because I want him to study in order to become a real person in this life. How to make him study and not to be "bad" mom?

[Bill3]

If you are willing to provide more details I think it would be easier for people to respond helpfully.

From what you said so far, though, a couple of things might be worth thinking about.

Swearing every day turns studying into a power struggle.

You can't win that battle.

You might be able to force him to do some studying, but you cannot force him to want to study.

He might decide on his own that he wants to study, though, if studying doesn't seem like a concession to you in a broader power struggle.

You catch more flies with honey, as they say. Resolving to stay calm, positive, and supportive with him at all times, no matter what happens, and apologizing if you slip up, might help him to allow you in.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Bill3

If you are willing to provide more details I think it would be easier for people to respond helpfully.

From what you said so far, though, a couple of things might be worth thinking about.

Swearing every day turns studying into a power struggle.

You can't win that battle.

You might be able to force him to do some studying, but you cannot force him to want to study.

He might decide on his own that he wants to study, though, if studying doesn't seem like a concession to you in a broader power struggle.

You catch more flies with honey, as they say. Resolving to stay calm, positive, and supportive with him at all times, no matter what happens, and apologizing if you slip up, might help him to allow you in.

Good post.

[mssweatypalms]

It might be helpful if someone he looks up to could talk to him. Is there anyone like a sibling, cousin or uncle he really admires?

My mom was very strict when I was a child. I had to make sure I studied hard and got good grades. But what really made me work hard was my admiration for my sister. She was the best student in the whole school and even the whole city sometimes when she joined competitions. It put a lot of pressure on me being the younger sibling, but at the same time, I saw the power I could have over people as a result of studying hard and knowing a lot. Plus, even though my mom was strict, I was rewarded with watching TV and playing games as long as I wanted if I get good grades. Studying gave me power and freedom. Maybe someone can offer him a different perspective about studying.

It also depends on his school environment. Is getting good grades rewarded at school? How are the teachers like? Is he having difficulties in some subjects? I know some kids who gave up studying altogether because they're embarrassed to say that it's too difficult for them.

[Rive.]

Forcing anyone to do something (teen included) usually makes people more entrenched in their desire *not* to comply. Usually, praise works better i.e. praising what he does well, dialogue, curiosity and respect work better as well (i.e. why does he not want to study)

It is a difficult question as many things need to be explored (that you can ask yourself): was he always reluctant in studying? was this a recent change? did something happen in his life and/or in his environment? what is his relationship like with you / his family? is he struggling with other issues? is he in therapy? Etc. There is no easy or quick-fix solution without addressing the wider picture surrounding this particular behaviour.

[MickeyCheeky]

i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that perhaps some more details may Help if you're willing to share them. Perhaps he doesn't like what he's studying? Maybe some problems at school? i think being angry at him may not always work and some kindness at least may prove to be necessary. Of course decide by yourself what to do then. i think making him understand that this is necessary for his future is an important step so perhaps talking to him about this can be somewhat Helpful? Something similar to this? i am not sure. Sorry if this post wasn't really Helpful. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Please do keep us updated if you can and want to. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @CarolClark45, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[RockyRoad007]

You don't mention why he doesn't like to study, so I'm going to make a suggestion based on one facet only, that he has trouble academically in school.

Where I live in western Canada, they have programs for students who don't fit in with the regular school system of study, study, study.

My friend's granddaughter was having a lot of trouble to the point she was going to drop out, and was moved into a program called Vast where she went to the local community college and studied a trade for the school year. Her granddaughter took auto mechanics of all things. However, she could have taken chef training, hairdressing, wood working, welding or a host of other subjects. She still had to go to the regular school to take a couple of subjects that were necessary to graduate. Can't remember what they were, but perhaps English or math or some such subjects.
She went to school because this was something she was interested in. It allowed her to graduate and have her first year of a trade. She never went on with auto mechanics, but she has valuable knowledge never the less to do with her car.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Choose your battles wisely. I have three kids - all grown adults now. I’m a teacher by the way.

All three have brilliant minds, but two of the three were definitely not motivated learners - not driven by grades. We chose to take the stance that if they took care of their business, passed their classes (yes, passing was perfectly fine with us) so that I didn’t have to get in their business, stayed otherwise out of trouble, that was fine with us. Sure, I could have demanded A’s out of them - they were certainly capable - but it would have been a constant battle, and honestly, I suspect they would have made our household a living hell if I chose that path. The oldest passed his classes, stayed out of trouble, and is a fine man now, gainfully employed. By the way, while he did take some college classes, he decided a college degree was not his path. He found a different career path that has worked well for him. Our 2nd managed to graduate - has stayed in a job (not a great one, but is figuring it out). Both are fine adults, kind individuals. They have and are finding their own way.

Our youngest was the grade-driven, over-achiever. We didn’t have to tell him to study. We didn’t have to tell him to take the hardest classes. We didn’t have to demand he go to college. He WANTED to do those things because that is how he is wired. He’s graduating from college in December and is becoming a teacher.

Pick your battles. Respect you kids enough to have enough expectation that they take care of their business without you having to run their lives for them, and give them the personal responsibility and empowerment to figure it out on their own. I don’t mean let them slack off to the point of failing classes (that was a BIG NO in our house), but I also didn’t expect A’s from them all of the time either.

We had a peaceful, respectful household. Our kids stayed out of trouble. They are morally centered, truly good individuals. They are kind, hard-working adults. They are really close to each other as adults, and our relationship is solid and loving. My husband passed two months ago, and my kids have been my rock. That kind of family foundation and closeness was built on the respect for individuality and autonomy we show them throughout their upbringing. Grades don’t make a person a “real person” - I find that idea disturbing.

As a teacher of high schoolers, I see students who are practically terrorized by parents demanding straight A’s, participation in multiple activities (and high achievement in all of them). I see parents helicoptering over their kids to the point where the kids are stressed, honestly resent their parents constant interference, and can’t problem-solve the simplest stresses because their parents won’t allow them to make mistakes. I see families in crisis because of misplaced priorities on grades and achievement instead of respect, love, and relationship.

Know your kid. They are all SO different. Not every student has to be an A student. I’ve seen A students go absolutely nowhere in their lives because they were burned out, found unhealthy outlets for their stress, were forced into degrees they don’t care about. I’ve seen C students do fantastic things in college or other careers because they found their passion. Some kids LOVE school. They LOVE studying and all it entails. Fantastic. Others simply need to get through school and find their passions in other ways. They can ALL be “real” and successful adults - there are SO many paths to contentment in adulthood.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Just saw this OP’s account is not active, but hopefully she will come back to at least read the thread.