[RoxanneToto]

I’m not sure what to think of my mum’s behaviour here, but in short, I accidentally broke the lid when I leaned back too hard while sitting on the toilet last week, and it snapped in half. I did admit it, saying I think I leaned back too hard, but mum is still talking like she’s trying to figure out how it happened in her world, if something gets broken, it’s usually the cleaner’s fault. She doesn’t confront them, but I do get to hear her inner detective’s theories on how it happened (e.g. cleaner must have stood on top of or dropped something on it. I work as a cleaner myself and have dropped spray bottles on the toilet lids by accident, none of the lids got broken. Never had a reason to stand on one, either!).

I rarely get blamed for anything when it’s actually due; I either get blamed for stuff I haven’t done, or someone else gets held responsible (even if it’s only in her mind) for something I’ve done even when I lay out the facts. I don’t really get it.

Edit: I think an important distinction to make here is when someone else gets held responsible for something I have done, it’s usually been because I was trying to extricate myself from a relationship of some kind with a guy (romantic or platonic), and she was convinced it was because my friend at the time had influenced me. In truth, while said friend was supportive, it was entirely my own decision to leave.
I probably told this story elsewhere, but it was also apparently my fault my biological brother found me. (Yes, I told people I was adopted, it’s a part of my identity so why not?) But I had no clue I had siblings, because I never got told that.

[Rive.]

How does that (i.e. her reaction) make you feel?

It seems she has her own beliefs or 'theories' and is not open to seeing any other viewpoint, even when presented with 'evidence' to the contrary.

[RoxanneToto]

I guess it makes me feel unheard, or even unseen as a full person in a way, if that makes sense? By that I mean, I know I can be responsible for doing things that upset or inconvenience others, even just by accident, and I know (as an aside) I can make choices others don’t like. She didn’t agree with me breaking up with my ex or exiting the friendship I had with another guy some years earlier, so I think she kidded herself I was being “led astray” instead of making my own choices, like I was an impressionable child or something.
I wasn’t 100% direct telling her about the toilet lid, because she has got, I feel, irrationally angry or upset about things in the past. Not always, but enough to make me a little bit hesitant about telling her I broke something or XYZ happened. Maybe the times she got irrational she was having trouble coping with other stuff, too. My dad wasn’t that easy to live with, after all. She confided in me now and then but there’s likely a lot of stuff she didn’t tell me.
Starting to wonder if she saw the guys I dated/hung out with as potential “rescuers” for me? It’s just speculation on my part, though.
Being blamed for stuff that wasn’t my fault makes me feel distrustful, anguished and unsupported.

[divine1966]

I am sorry if I am off base here but are you very young? A minor? If not, then do you two live together? Do you have to? She doesn’t seem to think of you as a grown up. Maybe time to look to maybe live with roommates rather than mom?

Honestly your mom’s opinion on your relationships or friendships is kind of irrelevant. As an adult you can date or be friends with whoever. What she thinks is of no importance.

As about toilet, I’d just buy a new seat and look for a handy person to attach it if can’t myself and not worry who thinks who broke it. I’d say if it breaks that easily, it needs to be replaced anyways

[RoxanneToto]

Thanks divine1966, I’m actually close to 40 but I’m in the process of buying my own place right now so hopefully I’ll be out by Christmas. I guess I’ve stayed this long because of what was going on with my dad, acting as a buffer. I should have left much sooner, I know. You’re right that she doesn’t seem to see me as a grown up. She used to ask me to draw pictures to say thank you to various people if they’d done me a big favour or something. That’s ok when you’re 6, but not 15 or older.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry about what is going on also! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters that perhaps she doesn't see you as fully grown up so maybe living with someone else or on your own may be a good idea. Also So Sorry that things like it make you feel bad. m. Perhaps it may be a Good idea to talk about it with your mother maybe. i think you have every right to be treated with Respect and as an adult. i think i can relate to at least some of the things you wrote so i'd say you're not alone in this either maybe. Be Kind to yourself and others obviously. Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself when needed. m. Do try your Best. Love. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @RoxanneToto, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Rive.]

Yes, it does sound pretty invalidating... even infantilising where your mom is treating you like a child or thinking she knows (best? better?) how to manage your own life.

You are entitled to make your own choices and yes, mistakes. I am sorry that she is not supportive and instead, undermines you.

I am glad you mentioned moving out as flying the coop and showing her your independence might curb (or not) this tendency of hers. But at least you would have some distance to live your life...

[RoxanneToto]

Thank you, Rive. Now that I have started the process she’s mentioned buying groceries/cleaning stuff when I do leave. I appreciated the gesture, but it gave me a slightly queasy feeling, too. I know I’ll be able to manage, and I have an idea of what I want to buy so I’ll be putting her off. I’d prefer if she saved the money for herself, anyway.