Dealing with 'family' (step MIL)

My husband has a step mum. She has 2 children. Her and her oldest no longer speak and havnt for over 10 years. Her youngest has been travelling for 2 years.
Her husband (my husband's dad) has a son from from a past relationship and they no longer speak.
When I met my husband, him and his dad and step mum were on bad terms and not speaking.. see the pattern here...

I've asked him why no one talks and he said he didn't know. I asked him why he fell out with him and he was very vague and I can honestly say I don't know why they did.

Anyway.... His dad is fine. He's just an old man. He kind and caring etc and adores his grandchildren.
His step mum smothers the kids, with physical love and gifts. Our youngest doesn't like to as she's overbearing.

She has high expectations. Eg, big gestures on special occasions, flowers chocolates card etc etc. We should call her and send photos of the kids a lot and we should all meet up as much as possible. Yes that woutbe lovely but it's not realistic. Her effort is minimal with us. She wants us to do the work.

We had a family BBQ and she didn't come. Apparently it was something to do with us not replying to a group message about some baking she'd done.

Now I dont enjoy being around people like this. Nor do I want my children round her. She's pretty childish and toxic.

She's a step... Step mum, step gran.

What would you do?

What can I say to my husband about this?

Maybe she wants an illusion of a happy family with you and your kids since her own kids aren’t in the picture.

I am a stepmother and my husband is a stepdad. I can’t imagine harassing stepkids in this manner like demanding pictures or gifts? I am a step grandma too but little one calls me grandma and my stepdaughter treats me as I am grandma (not step) but I still am not in their face like that. It’s ridiculous. I I don’t think I ever even ask for pictures. Or demand excessive get together or anything. Not at all

As about being one sided. My sister in law is this way. She usually doesn’t attend our events but expect us to attend hers.

Honestly the only advice I have is keep interactions to a minimum. Short. Infrequent. I think it’s ok for kids to see obnoxious relative. Kind of teaches them about life. But make it very minimal. That’s what I would do.

Did your husband's father come to the BBQ?

So Sorry this is going on also! Please Do not give up! Hugs. i am afraid i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about limiting contact with her if she's not proving to be a good person. It sucks but sometimes it may simply be the best solution. i Hope things will improve really soon for everyone. Please do update us if possible if you want to obviously. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Icedgem, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Yes, everyone came except her

Thank you.

Any time I've contacted her in the past I've never had a reply

I think you're right, maybe she does want the perfect family.

She's rude and I just don't enjoy her company.

Wondering if I should tell my husband

I am sure he already knows that she is rude and you can’t possibly enjoy her company. What do you plan on accomplishing? Is your goal to cut her off? If she is married to FIL you kind of can’t fully avoid her but basic minimum should suffice. I keep time with my SIL (brother’s sister) to a minimum. My brother is important to me so I can’t go no contact with her. My husband’s sister is also rude and so is her husband. Luckily she lives far and we don’t see her much

So she wants contact her when you contact her she doesn’t reply. Bizarre

Well if she chooses to exclude herself for no good reason, and you still have access to your husband's father, then is there really an issue that you need to address?