Should I be worried.

I have been with my wife for eleven years and love her to bits. The last few years have been difficult as we have moved house changed jobs and had two beautiful children. My emotional stability and related mental health issues have not been easy but are under control with meds and counselling. Over the past three years we have had a few conversations about sharing responsibilities in relation to household bills, insurance and other issues. Despite having a few chats most of these things are looked after by her. She is normally the person with their name on the contracts and the contact person for things like house and home insurance, mortgage payments and such. All of our savings are in her name and while we have talked about changing these things she never seems to get round to it. She also says she is looking after this stuff because she wants to protect me. However it makes me feel quite vulnerable. For example I am not sure what I would be able to do if I had an accident because she has the insurance details.

She tends to dislike me raising these issues and I come away feeling a bit **** for initiating these discussions. We have a great relationship in most ways. She is the main breadwinner and we split childcare and housework down the middle. We are able to spend lots of time together with our boys. But this issue gnaws at me.

Am I being paranoid or should I be worried and how can I fix this.

Dear Cassoway,

If I were in your shoes, I would be worried too so I don't think you are paranoid. I think you show enlightened self-interest. Hopefully there will be more equality in your relationship. Wish I knew how to help.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Cassoway, I believe you are right to be concerned. If everything is in her name what happens if she is incapacitated?

Why does she believe she needs to "protect" you regarding finances. Unless there is a history of you having financial difficulties it seems odd one adult would feel the need to protect another adult.

If you are paranoid, I must be too. My first thought reading your post was to wonder if she is planning to leave and take all the assets for herself.

I can't say if you should be worried or not. I would say instead that it is prudent to have your name on important accounts and documents.

Thanks I agree but I find it difficult to raise these issues. It tends to end up with a confrontation and it will take me days to get over the fallout and feelings of guilt that I feel as a result of putting questions of this nature to her.

I really don't think that the issue is she is planning to leave. She was in a previous relationship where she experienced a large degree of coercive control and needs to feel in control of things.

Not having your name on savings is a no no. It needs to addressed immediately. Are you a beneficiary? You run a huge risk of being left with nothing if something happens to her. With other stuff it’s ok if she is a main contact but you need to know how to get to those things too.