[xRavenx]

I had a friend today text me asking if she can stay due to having relationship problems and wants to break up with her fiance. He sounds controlling, but not to a point where she suspects she would be in danger if she were to leave. She also mentioned her cat, but I do not want a cat living with me. I don't do well with pets and having their hair get all over the place. That is part of why I don't have a pet myself.

I just told her she can stay here and there, but I can't offer anything permanent. I hope I dealt with it ok, because I want to be supportive and not have our friendship break up. One of the reasons I explained to her was that my schedule is not really conducive to having people stay since there's a lot of time during the week where I am not home. Also, I like to have my own space, but I didn't really get into that. I don't even know if I had done the right thing by saying she can stay here and there, because sometimes that leads to people staying longer.

She has a mother and sisters, so I suggested that she stays there. She said, "they don't have much room for me there." But that is where she was residing before moving in with the fiance.

I'm sure it took a lot out of her to ask me since she's really stuck. Did I deal with this ok? I want to be able to help out, but I didn't want to be in a situation where I am not firm enough in the beginning and it ends up hurting her more later.

[CANDC]

@xRavenx I see you are in a situation with many downsides but few upsides. If you look at a worse case scenario, you will have someone living in your house with a cat, possibly for a long time because they have no money or even a plan how to get a job. You may find this friend is going to make your home the opposite of being a place to nurture you, it could become a haven of problems.

It is not easy, but if you inherit all the problems that make her current living situation unworkable, you may be the one needing a threrapist. Sorry but I have tried being the rescuer and it has only led to more difficult situations.

The fact that you are their only option they are considering does not bode well for the future. To me, I wonder if there are other options like a shelter for battered women that might help her get a job. Probably the cat would not be welcome. That may be why no one welcomes her.

If it were me, I am not sure I would want a cat in the house. We had two cats and one slept on the hot water heater and set off the emergency escape valve flooding the basement. The other one tore off the wall paper and used the moulding as a scratching post even though they had a scratch post. The smell of the litter box and that job were not anything I was pleased with either.

If you have a therapist, ask them what they think. When people wanted to stay here, we did just that and received strong discouragement from doing that.
@CANDC

[Yaowen]

That was very nice of you and I hope it works out. I myself cannot live with someone so I am really unqualified to give advice. Hopefully other members here on the Forums with more knowledge, experience and insight . . . and real life wisdom will see your post and respond to it in both a kindly and helpful way. I think CANDC has offered you some good things to think about. I am so sorry that I could not be helpful to you in this matter. Sometimes one wants to offer advice to someone in order to help but is at a loss for good ideas. But I do hope that things will work out for the best for you!

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by CANDC

@xRavenx I see you are in a situation with many downsides but few upsides. If you look at a worse case scenario, you will have someone living in your house with a cat, possibly for a long time because they have no money or even a plan how to get a job. You may find this friend is going to make your home the opposite of being a place to nurture you, it could become a haven of problems.

It is not easy, but if you inherit all the problems that make her current living situation unworkable, you may be the one needing a threrapist. Sorry but I have tried being the rescuer and it has only led to more difficult situations.

The fact that you are their only option they are considering does not bode well for the future. To me, I wonder if there are other options like a shelter for battered women that might help her get a job. Probably the cat would not be welcome. That may be why no one welcomes her.

If it were me, I am not sure I would want a cat in the house. We had two cats and one slept on the hot water heater and set off the emergency escape valve flooding the basement. The other one tore off the wall paper and used the moulding as a scratching post even though they had a scratch post. The smell of the litter box and that job were not anything I was pleased with either.

If you have a therapist, ask them what they think. When people wanted to stay here, we did just that and received strong discouragement from doing that.
@CANDC

Thanks for this. I agree. The thing about my friend is also that she does have a family, and even though her mom's house is not the most desirable option, I think she would be welcomed there. There's not a ton of room there, but I think she'd be able to make it work. I wish she would have explored that option first before coming to me, but since I have a spacious spare bedroom, she probably thought she'd rather stay there. But I did end up saying I can't offer anything permanent. Now I guess only time will tell if that hurts our friendship or not. Also, she does have a decent, full-time job.

[AliceKate]

I think you handled that very well, though I would clarify the duration as "a couple of days, 2 weeks max", if I were in your situation, as this would be my personal breaking point and I'd rather not overkill. Also, it shows support, but gives a clear limit.

[Medusax]

Sometimes just because someone is a dear friend doesn't mean you will get along under the same roof. I have my best friend and another friend that I have a ball with and love with all my heart but there is no way we can live together. I have told the one how I feel about it and she agrees. She is an alcoholic, and tends to bring men home. That is something that I wouldn't stand for for one second. My best friend whom I have known since age 14, is a very nice person but she is too quiet on the home front. She doesn't like music playing, she doesn't like housework, and she watches TV too much. And she sleeps a lot as well.