[LiteraryLark]

My parents and grandparents think that if I ask for their opinion, it means I'm going to do what they say. But I ask them so I can weigh the pros and cons and their point of view is helpful in making an indepedent decision.

But this is a major issue with them. I ask everyone their thoughts--my parents, grandparents, and friends--to weigh the pros and cons from a variety of viewpoints and make a decision on my own. But my parents especially get mad when I don't do what they say. "Why bother asking if you don't do what we say?"

How do I clarify with them that I value what they say and would like their viewpoint but I'm not asking for a decision to be made by them?

Does this make sense?

[unaluna]

Boy i remember those days!

My dad once told me, "i cant tell you what i think, i can only tell you what my father would have said." So, no hope of discussion there. That goes even a step further back.

Maybe ask people to help you fill out a list of pros and cons would make it more obvious?

[Bill3]

Yes it makes sense!

"How do I clarify with them that 'I value what they say and would like their viewpoint but I'm not asking for a decision to be made by them'?"

You said it wonderfully right here.

[divine1966]

Honestly that’s a reason I don’t ask my family of origin for advice. I make a decision and then inform them …or don’t lol

[lizardlady]

Agree with Wovengalaxy. You said it beautifully here. Why not use those very words to explain to them?

[sarahsweets]

Or don’t ask their opinions because it’s obvious the outcome isn’t helpful.

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[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Or don’t ask their opinions because it’s obvious the outcome isn’t helpful.

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I'm asking for help to convey to my parents I value their opinion but I don't want them to think I'm asking for a decision to be made by them. Like others said it sounds like I said it right. I have a very rocky relationship with my parents and I want to make the effort to gain their input without upsetting them.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @LiteraryLark
I totally get it and didnt mean to seem insensitive or cold. I understand valuing their opinion. I guess I look at it as tolerance level. I'd say " when I ask for your opinion its for me to bounce ideas off of, not a problem for you to solve. Id like you to just listen"

This way you have set the boundaries and expectations for what you want to talk about. However if they violate this boundary over and over its worth considering not asking anymore. You get upset when they do it, so you have to change the dynamic, hard as it is.

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

I'm asking for help to convey to my parents I value their opinion but I don't want them to think I'm asking for a decision to be made by them. Like others said it sounds like I said it right. I have a very rocky relationship with my parents and I want to make the effort to gain their input without upsetting them.

[LiteraryLark]

Thank you, Sarah Sweets. That makes a lot of sense and I have a lot of boundaries that get trampled on, and this is one of them because it upsets both me and my parents. It sounds like a very common thing with a lot of people when they say, "hey, you asked for my opinion and you ignored it or did the opposite". Maybe it's time to rethink the phrase...or reset boundaries.

[eskielover]

Just say I'm gathering thoughts on this topic & would appreciate your input along with the others I am gathering.

No asking for an opinion or even the fact you have a decision to make. How we frame what we say makes all the difference.

Oh yea, my mom was horrible at doing that & wouldn't talk to me for weeks sometimes. Have a friend who did that even when her thoughts weren't asked for & like my mom, she would get irritated & leave me alone for awhile....dysfunction is tough to deal with