[Airam89]

Hi all,

In October I broke up with my boyfriend after 8 years, and I still wonder if it was the right thing to do. Our relationship didn't go that bad, we own a house together and understand each other pretty well however since a long time ago I felt my life was boring. I have always loved being out and he is more of a house person. Apart from that, we wouldn't have much physical contact and being honest he wouldn't attract me physically as much as I would like..

A couple of months ago I went on holidays with some friends, and I always felt attracted by one of them who I have lots in common. As you might already imagine, something happened between us and I felt so guilty that I felt I had to break up with my partner once I came back, although I didn't tell him this was the reason for that.

I am still seeing this person and things are going well but I keep feeling guilty for being with him. My ex boyfriend is now my friend although he is begging me to come back, and every time I see him I cry and I feel like I have made a big mistake.

I feel like I could end up hurting both and I am so confused I am just sad constantly. I hope time helps, but it has now been 3 months..

Any advice is welcome and many thanks for reading my story 😊.

Thanks
Maria

[Crazy Hitch]

You’ve done the right thing by breaking up with him.

Did the person you’re with know you were in a committed relationship with someone with a house?

I think you owe it to your ex to tell him about your current relationship so he can emotionally let you go. You don’t have to tell him the finer details about exactly when you guys hooked up.

[divine1966]

You under no obligation to stick around boyfriends if you aren’t happy. But I wouldn’t drag him along and let him know I am dating someone else so he can move on.

What happened with the house?

[Have Hope]

Maybe there are other positive qualities that are hard to let go of in your ex, and that hurts to grieve the loss, but that doesn't mean you should get back together with him. Boring and little physical attraction are two major deterrents to being able to be happy within the relationship. Endings, regardless, require a grieving period and it sounds like you're still grieving. Perhaps don't get serious with the new one and allow yourself more time to grieve the ending of the last. We all need time to grieve, and it can take time to allow the sadness to move through us.

[Rive.]

Why be with someone, or feel guilt and so much upset(?!) when in your own words you explain

we wouldn't have much physical contact and being honest he wouldn't attract me physically as much as I would like..

Why be in a relationship that is unsatisfying? You don't owe your ex anything - and most certainly no obligation to go back to him because he begs you to.

The "mistake" would be for you to settle for someone you are not attracted to and who does not fulfil your needs.

[RoxanneToto]

I think telling your ex you’re seeing someone else, and not being in contact with them any more than you need to be (since you have a house together, I’m assuming you’d have to have some level of communication) would help you move on, whether it works out with the new guy or not. Less contact can seem hurtful at first, but it often makes healing easier, in the long run.

[Airam89]

Originally Posted by divine1966

You under no obligation to stick around boyfriends if you aren’t happy. But I wouldn’t drag him along and let him know I am dating someone else so he can move on.

What happened with the house?

Thanks for your response. He will buy me out and keep the house. I guess sometimes I just feel like maybe the reasons weren't big enough and I miss him 😕

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by Airam89

Hi all,

In October I broke up with my boyfriend after 8 years, and I still wonder if it was the right thing to do. Our relationship didn't go that bad, we own a house together and understand each other pretty well however since a long time ago I felt my life was boring. I have always loved being out and he is more of a house person. Apart from that, we wouldn't have much physical contact and being honest he wouldn't attract me physically as much as I would like..

A couple of months ago I went on holidays with some friends, and I always felt attracted by one of them who I have lots in common. As you might already imagine, something happened between us and I felt so guilty that I felt I had to break up with my partner once I came back, although I didn't tell him this was the reason for that.

I am still seeing this person and things are going well but I keep feeling guilty for being with him. My ex boyfriend is now my friend although he is begging me to come back, and every time I see him I cry and I feel like I have made a big mistake.

I feel like I could end up hurting both and I am so confused I am just sad constantly. I hope time helps, but it has now been 3 months..

Any advice is welcome and many thanks for reading my story .

Thanks
Maria

Oof I feel like I wrote this:/… minus the vacation/friend thing. Its hard because emotionally and mentally he is very supportive and helpful. Physically I am also not as attracted to him as I once was. He has neglected/changed his appearance and doesn’t seem bothered by it. He is also a” house “person. Which is fine! I honestly dont like being around people but I enjoy going out sometimessss and even though he’ll tag along, I am always the one to plan the outings and I dont believe he fully enjoys it. And when he stays inside, his hobbies arent really shareable:/… I really miss the spark of creativity and spontaneity that I had/have with friends and past relationships. I guess I’m 50/50 about what to do but Im seeing those in similar situations always leave

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[divine1966]

It’s normal to miss former partners especially since you didn’t allow yourself time to grieve a relationship and move on fast. I am not sure you need any special reasons to end a relationship. Not being happy is bad enough

[Madammebutterfly]

I’m sorry you’re in that situation. By what you explain, I was in a very similar situation 2 years ago. I also quit my 8-year boyfriend because of boredom, lack of attraction. We had become like room mates. Like you, an old flame appeared before leaving my boyfriend, which I think was the trigger but not the main reason. I am not sure if telling your boyfriend is a good idea or whether it’s more something that will make you feel better. Like unloading your conscience. It’s not like you feel sad and I do agree that it might be better to spend some time on your own rather than jumping into a new relationship. Being alone might help you see better what you were actually missing in the relationship and try to get it in a new one.
Also, think strategically. Don’t think it’s a good idea to tell him this bomb while you share the house...

[AzulOscuro]

As much as you may think that you are going to hurt your ex, it’s better to tell him that you have another guy so he will be able to put an end and move on with his life.

[downandlonely]

In that situation, I might take a break from both guys for a while. You haven't been single in 8 years. I think taking a break between relationships helps you figure out what you really want and also to realize that it's better to be on your own than in an unfulfilling relationship.

[RoxanneToto]

I agree with downandlonely, here.
I’m happy on my own, so it’s probably easy for me to say, but if you invest time in yourself, it can make being single more tolerable if you’d still prefer to be in a relationship. I do think it’s best to maintain a sense of independence even if you are in a committed relationship, because sometimes it can be difficult to recognise when it’s actually more of an enmeshment. There’s nothing to say a previously good relationship can’t become something unhealthy later on, either.
Having a stronger sense of who you are and what you want is beneficial in many ways.

[Have Hope]

Also, when you're lamenting one relationship while in another relationship, it means the second relationship suffers and has no way to truly lift off or progress because you're stuck on the past and misgivings with the past.