[FrozenHeart21]

Hello. (If I put the wrong icon for a trigger warning, I'm sorry, it's been a while since I've been on this site. Not sure if this part of the forums is the correct place for this topic, but we'll see) For starters, this relationship ended years ago and I still have a hard time moving on from the trauma of it all.

I met this guy on Tinder a long time ago. It seemed like a good relationship at the time, what with being like 30 minutes apart and he lived in an area where theres tons of stuff to do. He had a job working in a lab at a university and shared many interests with me. At the time, we were in our early to mid-twenties (I'm not good with year ranges, sorry) and we both lived with parents at the time. At the time, I didn't recognize the red flags right off the bat.

We first met up in this bookstore and got manga and other things. And before leaving, he proceeded to makeout with me in public. At the time, I was uncomfortable, but couldn't really voice the word "no". But I thought "maybe he's just overachieving or something, it should be fine". But he would keep making out in front of other people, no matter where we were. And he would give me all sorts of things, even talking about marriage when we haven't even knew each other for a year or less! And whenever I brought up an interest I was heavily invested in, he didn't really seem to care, just wanted kissing and cuddling.

I would always brush it off, although I don't remember why I kept doing that aside from the reason that I wanted it to work out. He never beat me or yelled, but what he did next was completely and utterly out of line. The SA happened when we were alone in his room, which was like a hoarders room, and he kept pressuring and pressuring for more than just making out. And I tried my best to say no repeatedly, but he coaxed me into undressing anyway. Midway through of him masturbating above my stomach (he never penetrated anything), I just felt so awful, disgusting, wishing it would be over with. And once it was, I couldn't help but to cry and later told my mother about it.

I didn't report it because I was scared of what people would say and afraid they would turn it against me. The whole relationship soon felt uneasy, tiring, disgusting. And from what I know, he still lives in that town. My mom takes me to that town for either the mall or getting certain things. And I'm always afraid of running into him, especially if I was alone.

And now that I might've found someone healthy, I'm afraid of telling them about my ex. I don't want them to think badly of me and we're supposed to meet up at that mall in a matter of days or so. (There's no set date yet, they're waiting to get their replacement card and don't have enough cash on hand) And I want this potential date to work out for as long as possible, but I don't ever want a confrontation between us and my ex. He hurt me awfully bad and my parents would likely beat him up if they ever run into him again.

And I wasn't sure where else to post this, because I still dont have a new therapist yet. Thinking about all of it makes me cry and I feel so stupid and used and dirty just from thinking about it. He's an awful person for what he did and I got rid of everything he ever gave me. I doubt I can still report him, I just need people to talk to and help me cope with it. The good news is that he never attempts to text or call me. But I'm still afraid of the highly slim chance (it's a big town, bigger than where I live) that I'll run into him and be unsure of what to do and where to run to.

I really like this new person, we text everyday and are trying to get to know each other and really want to meet up in person. They have been so nice and understanding with my autism and other conditions. I know I'll have to tell them about what happened at some point, I just hope they don't hate me when I tell them.

[Yaowen]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and that it has engendered the fears you mentioned. To be honest, I would feel the same way if I was in your shoes. Wish I knew what to say to help, but after thinking and rethinking your situation, I can't come up with any good ideas. Hopefully other people here on the Forums with more knowledge, insight and experience will see your post and respond to it with helpful ideas. I sure hope things eventually work themselves out for the best for you!

[CANDC]

Hi @FrozenHeart21 - glad you joined the MSF My Support Forums' Community. It sounds like you have had someone take you to places you were not ready to go.

You seem to see the red flags in hindsight. That is a normal way that we learn lessons. Maybe next time you can set boundaries in your mind and enforce them. Learn to not only say no but if they insist then just leave and go home. It is best to not meet in private places. Public places can be safer with other people around. Talk to your parents about this person and see if they would invite them over. Another red flag is if someone does not want to meet your parents.

As far as telling them what happened, I think that can wait for a long time down the road. You might explain if they want a physically intimate relationship that you are not ready for that. To me, one of the biggest mistakes I made was treating people I was dating as therapists. When I finally had a therapist I realized that what I really needed was a therapist. I could tell them everything and they could help me pick up the pieces and go on.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC