[RoxanneToto]

Brief back story - I was adopted and recently got back in touch with my siblings. It’s very early days (as in, just started talking before Christmas) and I casually mentioned to my friend in a text conversation that I hadn’t heard from my sister (main contact) this week, along with talking about stuff to do with moving house. I’m moving out of my mum’s house, just want to have one more survey done on the flat, but nobody is getting back to me about actually getting it done as a last resort I’ve asked the estate agent to try and get something done on my behalf. I’m getting fed up of chasing everyone up, now.

Friend basically said “don’t bother about your sister, you’ve got your new home and life to think about” and said go through solicitor to get the survey done. I don’t think the solicitor can do anything, it’s up to me to arrange it. And it just kind of stung how she was so dismissive about my sister. She knows having contact with my bio family is important to me; I reiterated that we’re taking things slow and I was just a little disappointed I didn’t hear anything this week. Seems she misinterpreted what I meant about my sister not emailing and has written her off as another person I don’t need. She was similar about our ex mutual friend - we were both being treated badly by the end - who I did cut off last new year’s, but it needed to happen anyway. No regrets.
This friend and I aren’t super close, don’t meet regularly but do enjoy each other’s company when we do get together. I’m thinking that she might not be a great fit for me, though. She came with me to get a supplement my counsellor had recommended when we met last time, and offered a very critical, unsolicited opinion about that, as well as questioning why I signed a petition beforehand. I’m tired of my choices, opinions and decisions not being simply heard/respected by my friends/family lately.

Have also had subtle digs/put-downs and questions about how I’m going to manage to live alone, and comments about how if the purchase falls through, I still have to pay fees and stuff, from my mum. I know. I’ve been through everything with the mortgage broker, including a monthly affordability plan. The finances are all in hand. I have told mum this more than once, too, but it doesn’t feel like she’s listening, as she still brings it up sometimes. I get she worries, but how to reassure her when she’s not accepting what I’m telling her?
Some of you might also remember a thread I posted last year, basically Toilet Lid-Gate - I accidentally broke our toilet lid (and in case you’re wondering, it wasn’t by standing on it! ) owned up to it and she still looked for someone else to blame (conversely, she has also blamed me for stuff I haven’t done in the past).

[Crazy Hitch]

I’m glad you managed to get in touch with your biological family I know that’s important to you.

I’m sorry your friend doesn’t show empathy in your situation. She doesn’t sound to me like she truly understands where you’re coming from. Maybe she needs to listen to you more closely, if you choose to continue the friendship. You’d have to way up the benefits and costs of remaining friends with her.

As for your mother asking you the annoying questions that you’ve researched thoroughly and you’re making an informed decision moving forward - it reminds me so much of my mother. She’s always playing worst case scenario in her head and it can get quite demoralising if I don’t take a step back and remind my that this is her negative way of thinking.

[RoxanneToto]

Thanks very much, Crazy Hitch! I’m wondering what’s going on in my friend’s life right now that might have caused her to say it. Maybe it’s her own stress or something she was overwhelmed by last night. She’s not always that negative, but it is something I’ve noticed in her happening more, recently.
And yes, mum does think quite negatively, and she minimises other bad stuff that actually happened. It can be pretty grating and I don’t always have the energy to gently challenge her thought process, but I’d love if she could be more positive.

[Bill3]

I get she worries, but how to reassure her when she’s not accepting what I’m telling her?

You've explained things well to her. What if you don't make it a goal to reassure her? I wonder if you are taking on responsibility for her feelings.

[RoxanneToto]

I do take her feelings on to an extent, Bill3, I’m getting better at not doing it, thankfully. I think in this case it’s more that I want to “prove” everything is in hand (besides not having a date for the last survey) so I don’t get asked or hear the comments any more? Though deep down it does seem like a waste of time. I feel confident I can do this, which is really what counts.
I mean, she’s happy for me to go, so why the little digs as if I don’t know something or won’t be able to manage financially? I know it will be hard, but I’ll never learn whether I can cope without trying.