[scone0109]

Hey there! I’m so glad a discussion board like this exists, I’ve been feeling helpless lately and this is exactly what I need. This is the first time in my life ever using one so bare with me! I know this is long, but I am desperate.

I grew up with a narcissistic father. I had several bad relationships as an adult, and decided I would put a stop to that pattern. After years of therapy, I was able to do so, and met my current husband who was amazing. But now, I’m noticing toxic traits, and I’m not sure if I’m just afraid again or if I’m in the presence of another narcissist. I’m currently terrified, especially since we are expecting our first child.

The traits I am noticing are controlling (ex: telling me I’m doing the dishes wrong just because I’m not washing them the way he would do it), critical (ex: I did not know what ‘cow pie’ was and he asked if I was an idiot), gaslighting (ex: saying something offensive then immediately saying ‘I was just joking’ / ‘I didn’t mean it like that’ / ‘I didn’t say that.’ / ‘I don’t remember that’) and being ignoring conversations. The first couple years, he was always wanting to listen and work on things. I have to admit, I was way too hard on him due to my past, but now when I try to talk to him, half the time he will ignore me or brush me off. If he notices I am distant because of it, he will come to me and try to discuss it later, but usually the conversation goes like this - I’ll tell him something that’s bothering me, he will defend himself for the first 2 mins, then I’ll get mad he defends himself. After that, he will be apologetic and try to find ways to fix things. By that point, I feel so unheard because of the way things started, I’m not interested. This is a toxic pattern, I know.

I want to add, I know he can be a jerk, but he is also very nurturing - he always ensures I am taken care of. He’s already a great father obsessing over the babies nursery. Once he’s done being defensive he always tries to be present and listen - even though it’s too late for me at that point. He also always makes time for me and is and giving. His loyalty has never been a concern and he has never had a problem committing to me. I know that isn’t an excuse, but just want to acknowledge I am not questioning whether he is a good or bad person. I know he’s a good person.

However, we are have a baby coming in 3 months. I love this man, I just need to know - am I with someone you’d fear is narcissistic? Does it seem my past blinding me? I feel lost right now. I know nothing can be diagnosed online, - I have ADHD, BPD and anxiety and those 3 things took 10 years for me to get an official diagnosis. We plan to do therapy, but I just feel like I can’t wait to talk about this and need some support.

If you’ve made it to now, thank you for reading my book lol.

[Rive.]

I don't know if he is a narcissist & I don't believe it is possible in diagnosing other people online.

What you write about however, shows a major red flag. I would address it asap so he does not continue the habit of insulting, controlling or gaslighting you. This is not how a loving partner treats their spouse. He, and you both, ought to work on how you communicate with one another *before* the baby is born.

[Lindaa12]

My understanding is that narcissists do not apologize. They are also not loyal and do not do commitment. So going by that, your partner isn't a narcissist. I personally think that he sounds like a normal, average guy being a jerk. So yes, he is being selfish in those moments before he goes back to being attentive and caring.

It sounds like you are in need of regular support beyond what your husband is able to provide. Having a baby is a hard time for any couple without enough help. I've also come to this forum for giving and receiving support and I understand your need for support. An individual or a couples therapist could also help before this problem gets worse.

[Have Hope]

This could have been written by me - I, too, grew up with a narcissistic father and have had several toxic relationships. My husband shows narcissistic traits, for sure, and does things similar to your husband.

We cannot diagnose on here, so that's best left to a therapist to determine. I agree with the above, though. I would address these things ASAP and in therapy with him. This Kind of thing cannot go unaddressed or else it will continue to keep surfacing.