Nightmare relative coming to graduation

What do you do when you are hosting a gathering for your daughter's milestone (high school graduation) and you find out the relative that has been ghosting your family for 6 years decides she's coming? This woman is my rude, toxic sister in law who I've posted about on here before. She attacked me and when I stood up for myself (6 years ago) she cut off all communication with my family (including my daughter). My daughter barely knows her. But I just found out, for some odd reason, she is coming to the graduation. She is married to my husband's brother and has had very little to do with us since 1998. Who does this woman think she is? I didn't address the invitation to her and told my husband she's not invited. My husband said to just let it go. But you don't just waltz into a family gathering with family you haven't spoken to since 2017. This woman has some brass you-know-whats!! But mine are brassier! how do you deal with someone like this? I now have to try my level best to not let my anger show and ruin the occasion for my daughter, even though my daughter will probably be equally horrified that she's coming. I don't understand people like this or how to deal with them. Anyone have any suggestions?

Is she coming as plus one with your brother in law? I don’t think you can do anything about it but be civil.

Yes, she's coming as a plus-one with my brother in law. When I sent the invitation, I only addressed it to my brother in law. Apparently she didn't get the hint or my brother in law is stupidly bringing her for moral support. Because I can't figure out why she'd feel comfortable coming since it's been 6 years since she last spoke to us. And like I said, my daughter hardly knows her due to her intense years long grudge holding. We've always had a weird relationship with my brother in law and his family precisely for the reason that his wife is so toxic. Honestly, if it weren't for the papers saying we are related, we'd probably have nothing to do with any of them. They have never felt like family and the few times we've driven the 2 days to go see them, they have always had other people staying at their house who they showed more hospitality to than us. We were made to feel like invaders, quite honestly. I have always said that I wish we could trade them in for a different family!

Sounds like my sister in law. My husbands sister. Obnoxious.

Well, as daughter is graduating high school, knowledge and practice of proper etiquette becomes even more important. The rule here is inviting married couples as a unit. And dont use invitations or parties as ways to settle a score, it will make other guests uncomfortable.

I admit it is easy for me to say this, as my only SIL is dead.

But you want your daughter to be a gracious lady, respectful and respected. Not mired in petty conflicts.

I agree with unaluna. When you invite married people, you can’t tell them not to bring their spouse or not include them on the invitation. My brother’s wife is annoying too but I cannot not invite her and just invite my brother. I get it about annoying relatives. It’s not fun. But there is nothing you can do. They probably think we are annoying too

Thanky you Unaluna. Point taken. I honestly did not expect the SIL to come which is mainly why I only put my BIL's name on the envelope. But I see your point.

I think I got an answer as to why the SIL is coming. It's not about my daughter's big day. It's about her, naturally, being the narcissist that she is. My BIL has made this into a road trip for my SIL where they are going to drive down to our house and visit her relatives in our city, then continue driving to visit her other relatives. My BIL is not even going to go to the actual graduation, just attend the party afterwards at our house with SIL. So we are just going to be a quick footnote in what is otherwise a trip planned mainly to see SIL's family. Oh well. Am I surprised? NO. Am I disappointed? NO. Seeing as my daughter and the rest of us are uncomfortable seeing them in the first place, it's better their entrance and exit be quick anyway. My BIL has acted annoyed at having to come to our house. I'm sure it's because of nasty SIL who probably feels forced to make the appearance and doesn't want to. So my BIL's angst spills over onto us. Boy oh Boy!!! There is a special place in Hell for toxic people like my SIL.

Thanks Divine. Sounds like we have a similar situation with family. My only thing is my SIL goes beyond the level of annoying. She is straight up mean and hateful! Honestly, you have to ask, who in the world stops speaking to family for 6+ years over a very small disagreement? That kind of aggression and ability to hate is in a league all of it's own.

I can relate to this problem too, although my brother and SIL just don't speak to me (her unacceptable actions towards me). My niece has just turned 17 and has more decency/integrity than both her parents.

It's your daughter's day and the realisation of why your BIL and SIL are behaving like this will go a long way to how you manage the situation. Being gracious is far more mature than cultivating their unacceptable behaviour. In other words, don't be provoked by anything you overhear. Deal with it later, if you want.

My SIL is a champion of the loud, unacceptable comment to generate a combative response. Not content with being ignored once, she then repeats hoping to get a reaction. I mastered the art of ignoring her, as she'd usually got a glass in her hand anyway!

When they realise that the event isn't about them, perhaps they'll do the decent thing and leave early.

Next time, simply don't invite the BIL. He won't even attend graduation anyway. Keep the invites to people who care and who you guys want to be there in the first place.

I thought he is coming. The one who’s not coming is OP”s brother, not this brother in law. There seems to be a lot of conflict and confrontation on all sides of the family as well as with friends and neighbors etc Sounds very stressful to me

[QUOTE=poshgirl;7203105]I can relate to this problem too, although my brother and SIL just don't speak to me (her unacceptable actions towards me). My niece has just turned 17 and has more decency/integrity than both her parents.

It's your daughter's day and the realisation of why your BIL and SIL are behaving like this will go a long way to how you manage the situation. Being gracious is far more mature than cultivating their unacceptable behaviour. In other words, don't be provoked by anything you overhear. Deal with it later, if you want.

My SIL is a champion of the loud, unacceptable comment to generate a combative response. Not content with being ignored once, she then repeats hoping to get a reaction. I mastered the art of ignoring her, as she'd usually got a glass in her hand anyway!

Sorry to hear you have something similar. My SIL is loud as well. And not afraid to shout at you and call you out on the spot for something all the while smiling trying to act like it's "all meant to be helpful to you". Give me a break. I appreciate your advice.

BIL was going to go to the graduation, but when SIL pushed herself in there were not enough tickets for SIL to attend also. So BIL bowed out of graduation. I'd love to not invite BIL, but my husband would be upset with that. Ugh.....such an annoying situation.

My brother is not coming to anything due to pre-arranged vacation plans. My BIL decided not to come to the graduation when SIL pushed herself into the plans but there was not enough tickets for her to attend graduation also (school gives you only a set number of tickets for grad ceremony to control the crowd level) so BIL bowed out of attending grad ceremony and will only attend the reception at our house afterwards. I know it's confusing. And yes it's stressful. that's why I keep telling myself it's only 1 day that I have to see the faces of those who ail me.

It is very unfortunate that this woman is turning up. In which case, ignore her as much as you can. Be polite but avoid her like the plague.

Instead, focus on the joyous occasion and the people who matter & want to celebrate with you. She does not matter.

You are 100% correct Rive. And this is precisely why I find my SIL so unbearable and nasty. For the last 20 years that I've known my husband these are the games she has played. Insult/attack family member, then do years long grudge where she pretends you are dead, then suddenly randomly out of no where, she'll suddenly reappear. I just want to look her in the eye and say "choose one! Either you act like we are family in spite of petty grievances or cut off all communication....BUT DON'T DO BOTH!" I can't stand this behavior! And she is extremely ballsy to think she can just waltz into my house for my daughter's occasion when she's treated us as dead for 7 years!!! I mean, WHO does that?? It's unreal! But the best advice came in your final sentence "she doesn't matter" so I will have little to do with her and try my best to keep the day joyous like it was intended.