[AliceKate]

So my sister is in pain because I am not there for her. I on the other hand am overwhelmed by her need to constantly be in contact. We talked about it and agreed that from now on, I would initiate contact. That being said, she seemed more needy afterwards, writing me on whatsapp a lot, wanting to have a call while I was at our mother's. We did do the call, but I said I needed to go after 15min, which was way to soon for her.

Now there was an instance, in which I was clearly in the wrong. I won't bore you with the details, but I had agreed to take her son overnight and then something came up and now I can't.
That being said, I am tired of her. I know I should apologize more, but I feel that while her anger is appropriate in this instance, it is not overall. I also find it useful, as her pushing me away is resulting in me being more free. So I don't want to do the right thing and grovel, because that might just result in her being all needy again, and I prefer keeping her at a distance.

She called me unempathetic and callous. I don't agree. I have empathy, but I don't have to constantly put her needs above mine. So maybe this realtionship has finally run it's course. She would hate it, and I would be a little sad, but I have a very limited need for contact and her constant need was making me lose friends, because all my time and energy was spent in the relationship to her (which was never enough for her and always too much for me).

So I'm wondering if it's okay for me to use her anger in relation to that thing as an out. I mean, I don't even feel like explaining it. Just like not calling her again. It's not the right thing to do, but calling her to tell her that I've had enough is probably not great either, right?

I guess I'm wondering if you guys have any tips of how to communicate this, or if I should even communicate it at all. I'm just really tired of this entire thing and if I didn't have my therapist here, I might just move away again, just to get away from all this entangled mess.

[Have Hope]

I agree with your perspective on this. If you confront it, she may be more needy since you've already attempted this with her once before. When you decided together that you would initiate contact, she became even more clingy in response to you drawing a boundary. So drawing more boundaries and/or attempting another confrontation may result in something different than what you want.

I think in this instance, it's ok to just distance yourself silently and to withdraw without saying anything. Don't answer the phone every single time, and if you do, make it very brief and say that you have things to do and then hang up. Don't answer her on Whassapp.

Honestly, it's a toxic relationship if you've lost friends as a result of her extreme neediness. That's causing harm to YOU and to your life. Not acceptable. Your sister needs to get a clue and back the heck off. She needs to let you live your life and make yourself available to her when you can and if you can.

So, no guilt here. Take care of YOU and your life. You don't owe her your entire life and devotion every minute of every single day. She needs therapy and a therapist.

[AliceKate]

Thanks, Have Hope, for th validation and clarity of responce.

I should clarify on my end that I am an extremly private person and I need a ton of alone time. She would want to meet once or twice a week, while every two weeks is already too much for me. I can do every 2 weeks, or even 3 times in 4 weeks if once is during the week, but that is really my limit meeting people over all. So if I spend all that time on her, it's too little for her and too much for me. Just pointing that out to ensure it is clear that I feel my needs may be more socially inapt than her's.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by AliceKate

Thanks, Have Hope, for th validation and clarity of responce.

I should clarify on my end that I am an extremly private person and I need a ton of alone time. She would want to meet once or twice a week, while every two weeks is already too much for me. I can do every 2 weeks, or even 3 times in 4 weeks if once is during the week, but that is really my limit meeting people over all. So if I spend all that time on her, it's too little for her and too much for me. Just pointing that out to ensure it is clear that I feel my needs may be more socially inapt than her's.

You're welcome.

I don't think you need to explain or justify yourself. If she's too needy for you and demands too much from you, then it is what it is and you need far more space than she allows. And that's perfectly OK!