Moral dilemma- need perspectives

I have a moral dilemma and could use some perspective from others.

My sister has a traumatic brain injury. She is not able to communicate at this time. A guardian is needed to manage medical care, wellness, insurance, finances, etc. My mother wants me to be my sister's guardian because I have been a guardian in the past (my father and maternal grandmother, both prearranged prior to the time when guardianship was needed)).

The dilemma is that my sister and I have never been close and generally speaking, dont really like each other. We are cordial, but I haven't spoken to her since Christmas 2019. I know that if she could communicate, I would be the LAST person she would want involved in her business. Unfortunately, due to some recent events, my brother in law is not able to be her guardian and my mother lacks certain traits needed to be a guardian.

I'm torn about this. On the one hand, a guardian is supposed to make decisions in the best interest of the incapacitated person, with a high regard for their personal wishes (my sister would not want me involved). On the other, I have both the experience navigating insurance, forms, required court submissions, etc and the integrity to put her best interests first in decision making. My sister didn't put anything in writing about her wishes,which makes it more difficult.

If anyone has any thoughts about either side of this, I would appreciate the input. My sister needs someone to be her guardian, I'm just not convinced I'm the person she would have chosen. I think she would prefer anyone else, even if it was my mother or a court appointed attorney.

I'm asking in the relationship and communication area because I'm not sure where else to post this. If it needs to be moved, please make the move to the more appropriate area.

I'm very sorry to learn that your sister has a traumatic brain injury.

Here are a few questions to consider.

1. How much do you actually want to be your sister's guardian?

2. What would be wrong with using a court-appointed attorney?

3. How is it going to be for you to be doing this job when you have misgivings about it?

4. Suppose you discuss the situation candidly with the court and the court is willing to appoint you anyways. How would you feel about doing the job then?

5. If your sister were to recover, how would she handle the knowledge that you were her guardian?

Thank you for the questions. It gives me a few points to ponder. I didn't need to think about most of these in the past because both my father and grandmother had discussed it with me before guardianship was needed by several years. They trusted me to make choices that were in line with both their best interests and the personal choices they would have made for themselves.

With my sister, I have very little knowledge of her personal wishes, much like a court appointed attorney who may have never met her. A court appointed attorney also gets paid to be someone's guardian which means a portion of her assets and disability income goes for legal fees instead of medical care.

Question 5 is one I have been over and over and even emailed my therapist about last night. My sister would be extremely angry about the situation she's in. But I think if she were to recover, the anger would just be projected onto me. I would become her punching bag so to speak and that's drastically different from our current cordial at family gatherings minimal contact by mutual agreement.

Question 4 is a possibility, one I hadn't really considered much until you asked. Having a judge appoint me anyway replaces the moral dilemma with a legal decision. I suppose being appointed by the court regardless of my misgivings gives me a shield of sorts to deflect any anger my sister would have.

Thanks for your reply.

With regard to the fees, do you have a sense of whether your sister would prefer to spend the money for a court-appointed attorney, or save that money by having you as her guardian?

I have always personally looked at things like this very logically as in: am I qualified to do the job, do it as long as necessary then leave, no emotions attached as if I were someone court appointed.

That way it doesn't get into all the emotional mess that would otherwise happen.

We all know ourselves & our own limitations so that is what ones decisions should be based on

Despite the issue with your sister and your reluctance to take on this role, do you believe a court appointed attorney would be able to make decisions in her best interests and wishes? Knowing they would be virtually a stranger whereas you have more inside knowledge of your sister.

Or would the awkwardness you feel towards your sister impact your ability to make the best choices for her? In which case, the 'stranger' might be the better option..

I'm not sure how she would feel about the cost of a paid guardian. I only know that she has very limited resources that are hers alone. She has been financially dependent on her husband for at least 15 years and hasn't worked by choice. However, due to some poor choices very recently by my brother in law he's very likely to lose his income and potentially most of his assets. Simply put, there are severe legal consequences to the choices he made, the least of which is disqualifying himself as a responsible guardian for his wife.