[D1111]

Hi. I have been having trust issues with my girlfriend since I started dating her. I have anxiety, 3 bdp traits and depression. I have totally gone off on my girlfriend in texts because I didn't believe what she was telling me. I have dug into her past and projected my fears on here. I'm trying to amend my behavior. She has cut off many of the things we did together to try to help herself and the relationship. I finally got to a point where I felt like I could be ok. I impatiently waited for a call from her tonight and asked what she was doing. I went for a drive because I was feeling emotional and depressed. She knew that I was acting on behavior I'm trying to amend and was not happy. I'm trying to get better. I am seeing a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist next week I've never had a healthy relationship and I'm trying to have one with her. I feel like if I practiced patience tonight, we would have had a good night. I'm also unemployed and looking for work. I don't have much to offer as an independent man at this time. I want to save this relationship more than anything. She is a beautiful independent woman. I have had a strong connection with here when things are good. She is really trying to accept me and I keep failing. Please let me know if you have any questions or advise.

[D1111]

What lead to my reaction last night
Yesterday my girlfriend told me it was "very" important that she only goes to "one" aa meeting a day. In the same conversation she told me that she wanted more freedom and that the following day would be difficult to make time to talk to me. The next afternoon(today) I get a text that she wants to go to an al anon meeting out of the blue. I was grateful that I got the invite. 5:30pm finally came and we joined the meeting together. It felt like a healthy time to be together. She announces herself in the meeting. Her camera is off. Out of nowhere she drops out of the meeting with no text or explanation. I Then asked her if she was going to another meeting. She said yes and sent me a zoom link. I went into the zoom room and did not find her name. I checked again and did not see her there. I may have made a mistake but I did not see her name in the room. The time that she got off work was 5pm and it was now 7:30pm. I had asked her "babe - what are you doing? I didn't see you in either the meeting. You said you wanted more freedom and that today would be difficult to talk. Can you please call me?" I tried to call and her phone went to voice mail 2 times when I called. She said she was talking to her daughter. I feel like it didn't have to be difficult to make time with her as it was. Our phone cut off time is 8pm and she didn't call till about 7:20pm. It felt like she did all this on purpose because she had already gone to her morning meeting(her one meeting per day) but she was unavailable and due to the fact that she suddenly changed her mind and wanted to go to a second meeting at night. I tried to explain myself and the bottom line is that I didn't trust her, and she let me know. I was in the dog house and went to bed spinning out on what I had done wrong. I feel terrible about my actions. I want to get better and I feel like I'm reading into what she is saying too much. I can let go. I can not try to read into what she is doing and why. I can save this relationship by my reactions and detachment to her behavior.

[Have Hope]

Welcome to the forums!

Has she given you reasons in the past not to trust her? Has she lied about anything to you that you are aware of? In other words, is your mistrust of her legitimately supported by her actions? If so, then you can work with her on this issue, and she needs to always be upfront and honest with you. If not, then it's up to you to manage your anxieties, as you already are aware.

I have mistrust of my husband after a near infidelity, so I can relate to your feelings. I have mistrust of him now and it creeps into our relationship. If he's on his phone all day long, I want to know what he's up to. And if he goes outside to call someone, I want to know whom he's calling. If a good looking woman works with him, I want to know if there is any flirtation going on. After a while though, this behavior on my part becomes tiresome and annoying to him. At some point, I need to choose to trust him again because he's given me no real reasons to not trust him lately.

I would work with your therapist on this issue. A therapist can have good suggestions on how to manage and cope with your anxieties without projecting them onto your girlfriend. At least I would hope that your therapist is helping you in this regard.

[D1111]

She has switched her stories about the past, flirted with men that she has known for a long time, and constantly switching her spiritual cosmology and daily routine. She mocked me and told me I was crazy when I wanted to discuss my feelings and experience with her, but I've never caught her doing anything. I feel like I can't keep up with her or truly know her. But it's only been 2 months. Thank you for reaching out. This post has had many views and I appreciate your help.

[Have Hope]

Why hold onto this relationship? There's already loads of issues and it's only been 2 months.

[Rive.]

You are struggling with a lot of personal issues. I would work on yourself first before engaging in any relationship.

[downandlonely]

I agree with @Rive. You seem more focused on saving this relationship than on working on your own personal issues.

[Fuzzybear]

[D1111]

Thanks for responding. I agree with this as well. I was working on myself. We exchanged numbers in a zoom meeting. Then things moved quickly. I told her that I only wanted to be her sober brother and she insisted that we had something special and then said soon said we were soul mates. I told my therapist that she was all up in my space. Then things progressed quickly and she said I should be more in sync with her. I started to believe the things she was saying and told her I was scared to open my heart to someone because of my past relationships. She got me to open my heart. I told her I would wait for sex and then when I was making out with her she took me to the bedroom.
Things moved too quickly. I'm trying to work on myself at this point now that the relationship has become toxic. I want to save the relationship but it's up to her. She has cut the communication way down so I don't have much of a choice other than to work on myself now. Very sad. I thought there would be more intimacy in the relationship on all levels. Some people are just different.

[divine1966]

You’ve only known each other few months. Even if she was the most healthy person on the planet, no need to even call a relationship. You barely know each other

[ChanderKamath]

I think you’re so entirely focused and consumed by her that you’ve forgotten you are important too. I have been in a similar situation where I put my partner before me, it didn’t end well. I learnt that sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they may not be ready to reciprocate the same kind of energy and that is okay because not everyone is meant to stay. We learn and we focus on being better individuals for ourselves. I suggest you take some time off these toxic situations, and just decide, is this how you plan to see yourself in the future?
Do not self sabotage by blaming yourself for her behaviour.

[Bill3]

she insisted that we had something special and then said soon said we were soul mates.

Are you familiar with love bombing? If not, it might be worth finding out about.

[Rose76]

You might try giving yourself more credit. The biggest mistake people make is in trusting too soon. You're not supposed to lavish trust on someone just because you're attracted to the person and they seem to like you. From what you've related, I wouldn't be too quick to trust her myself. In her mind, this relationship is still in the stage where she is "sampling" you, rather than being all that serious about you. She sounds like a young woman who is pretty forward and likes to "try guys out." Maybe it will go somewhere, and maybe it won't. You'ld be wise to step back a bit and be less ardent in your pursuit of her. She's taking you for granted because you seem so needy of her. Go quiet, and let her wonder what you're doing.

If you've had a history of being hurt by women, maybe you've been investing too quickly and too heavily in women you should have moved on from sooner. Maybe you're too available. It may be you're catching the attention of the wrong types who feel you can be had for the asking and discarded when they have other fish to fry.

I don't know her. You value the relationship and want it to continue. So carry on. But stop assuming that any problems between her and you are the product of you being some kind of head case. No doubt you've got your internal issues. Who doesn't? But I think you're overly quick to see yourself as defective and in need of a psych-overhaul. Don't idealize her. She's got faults.

[UnawareBS]

Originally Posted by ChanderKamath

I think you’re so entirely focused and consumed by her that you’ve forgotten you are important too. I have been in a similar situation where I put my partner before me, it didn’t end well. I learnt that sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they may not be ready to reciprocate the same kind of energy and that is okay because not everyone is meant to stay. We learn and we focus on being better individuals for ourselves. I suggest you take some time off these toxic situations, and just decide, is this how you plan to see yourself in the future?
Do not self sabotage by blaming yourself for her behaviour.

So sorry to hear this about you past. I have no comment but it sounds tragic your past where you loved and loved but couldn't get anything back. Sad how the discrepancy between quality in human love can differ. You can't know true if you don't have the love....good luck to you!