[What_the_hell]

I recently moved to my partner´s country and the culture is really different here. Prior to that, we´ve been together for almost a year, long-distance. Now I´m in her country (both of us are women) and she's been taking care of me a lot, helping me out with errands, food and financially, too. However, she started telling me what & how I should wear to different places.

Some of it made sense - for example, that you won't get into a bank in revealing shorts here - but some really bothered me: she commented on how I should wear a particular t-shirt and that my way of wearing it makes me ´look like a nerd´. She said she just doesn't want me to get picked on.
Or I was about to go to the corner shop and was just about to change my homeclothes when she came up and said ´lose it´about one peace i was about to change anyway. These comments bother me cause I feel like I am an adult and can take care of what I'm wearing myself and unless it´s a formal event or a conservative / religious community, I can always wear my jeans and t´shirt. I don't have a revealing extravagant style, anyway.
Do you think her comments have a place or is that something that has to stop?

[Bill3]

My advice is the same as on a previous thread of yours about her:

She doesn't get to decide what choices are right for you.

[unaluna]

What, she doesnt think you are fashionable enough? Tell her it's "normcore" making a comeback.

[divine1966]

I think it’s an issue of dating someone online long distance. You don’t really know each other. Then when your relationship changes into face to face you realize all those things about the person. She sounds very controlling and patronizing. I’ve met few men like that, telling me what to wear and how to cut my hair. No thanks. Not someone you want to build your life with.

[Rive.]

You're an adult, you can wear whatever you want.

She is trying to change you to be what *she* wants you to be. This is controlling behaviour. If she can't accept you for who you are / what you wear, this is not a promising relationship. I see alarm bells here.

[*Beth*]

NO ONE has the right to tell you what to wear, how to style your hair, etc. I have been in that kind of relationship and not only was my self-confidence seriously eroded, the relationship suffered badly. What your partner is really saying is that she is insecure about you, about the relationship, and mostly about herself. You are not on this earth to make her look good.

Have a serious conversation about it with your partner.

[Have Hope]

That's very controlling of her. I see alarm bells too.

[AzulOscuro]

Maybe it’s time for you to guess what’s behind her attitude. Do you have any clue?

[What_the_hell]

we actually talked about it a few times now, and I really got to see where she´s coming from.... her country is known for being quite dangerous and homophobic, and telling me what's acceptable here was her way of being protective. It is also a country where gender roles are rigid and even as a lesbian, she was expected to take the lead and be extra assertive in her previous relationships! Because she's on a masculine presenting side. She accepted that she crossed the line and apologized. So even if certain comments slip up now, I don't feel a way about it I know the choice is mine at the end of the day and that my partner does not mean to diminish me in any way.
Thank you all for the input <3

[divine1966]

It’s good that she explained to you where she is coming from. It sounds more understandable now.

[Bill3]

I commend you for bringing it up and having a discussion with her. Well done!

[What_the_hell]

thank you!