[Have Hope]

My husband's mother sometimes makes comments towards me that are very insulting, hurtful and offensive. She also thinks her son is absolutely "perfect". No wonder he became somewhat narcissistic and used to make similar, mean and hurtful "joking" comments in the past.

Well, last night after dinner with his mother, she turned to me and asked why my bra was "doing that". My bra is now too small for me because I've gained weight. I was wearing a tank top shirt, and I guess my breast was hanging over the bra, underneath my shirt. So, I told her that the bra is too small and that I need new ones. So, her comment was, "well, it's very unattractive".

I took great offense to this and told my husband in private what she had said. Now, the prior person my husband used to be would have told me I am "too sensitive" and that she "doesn't mean it" or that she is "joking", which would only just invalidate my feelings and my upset. But the new man I see in him told me that he would speak to her about it and validated my feelings. He did address it with her, and she subsequently apologized to me, telling me that she just wants me to "look perfect".

This isn't the first time she's been hurtful. The very second time I met her, years ago, when I had gained some additional weight, she told me, "I liked you better thinner". HURTFUL, especially when I am super self conscious about the extra weight. I was very insulted at that time too.

Another comment she more recently made was she told me "how can you be mean to my baby? He is SO loving and SO kind". I wasn't being mean at all and had NO clue where that was coming from. All I could muster was "I am not being mean!" But again, she has this viewpoint of perfection about her son that is very skewed and totally inaccurate. He used to be very abusive towards me! And I had let her know this once over text, right when we separated and when I was going to divorce him because of it (back in 2020).

She can be quite charming and quite adorable otherwise, but these types of comments are extremely off-putting, they make me very wary around her, whereby I don't know when the next cutting comment will come.

Bottom line: I don't like her very much, but I have to deal with her. She has been visiting from out of state for the last two weeks, and because her entire household in California has COVID, she has to stay out east nearby us for a whole extra week. I don't know how I am going to survive this. I feel like just being quiet around her and I don't feel much like speaking with her.

What’s the best way to handle things when she insults me?

[Yaowen]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can definitely empathize from personal experience.

There are many books and articles on this subject and various techniques. Sadly I have forgotten most of them.

There is one technique I do remember. Not sure it would be helpful to you, but it helps me a lot. The technique involved uses the word "what?"

When someone says something unwelcome, rude and hurtful, one replies with the word "what?" This gives the person who made the comment the chance to either repeat it, say something more hurtful, or drop the subject.

If the person repeats the rude comment, just say "what?" again. If they say something like: "what's wrong with you, are you deaf?" Just say "what?" again. If they just rephrase or explain the rude comment, just say "what?" again.

This gives you some control over the conversation and is empowering. Since "what?" is a question, it defends you without attacking them.

Sometimes people say whatever pops into their minds in a thoughtless manner. They don't censor their thoughts or consider how their comments will affect another person. Sometimes they are tired and in a bad mood and there is some malice in their comment.

But whether their hurtful comment is the result of thoughtlessness or malice, saying "what?" disarms them. The word "what" causes the comment to bounce back to them instead of sticking to you.

Another more dramatic technique is leaving a hurtful conversation and going for a walk or to one's room. This is quite a dramatic move that is usually unexpected. Someone says something hurtful and you just get up and without saying a word, go outside for a walk or go to your room and lock the door. This is also a disarming technique.

I have used the "leaving the room" technique a few times and it is quite effective. More often I have used the "what?" technique and find it very effective at disarming a verbal attacker without attacking them back. It is a form of non-violence resistance.

People "learn" to be rude when their rudeness has no consequences. It becomes a habit and second-nature. Sometimes one has to sort of "teach" such people that rudeness has consequences. It is hard to break a habit, especially a life long habit. So these techniques will not change a person, but they do empower the victim of rudeness which gives them a victory.

We are all different and come from a different set of circumstances and life histories. Thus it is really impossible to give advice. What works for one person might fall flat for someone else. I just wanted to share with you some things that have helped me in situation like you have faced.

Sorry I could not be more helpful to you. Hopefully others here with more knowledge, experience, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with truly helpful ideas. Sorry again that you are being victimized. It is heartbreaking!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[divine1966]

How rude. How does she think it’s even ok. Unless she has dementia and has no idea what she is saying. You aren’t too sensitive. She is plain rude

With younger people I believe in explaining how such comments are rude and how they shouldn’t speak like that, but with people who are set in the their ways, there is no point to correct them. They won’t change. And their apology is fake. They know they are wrong and they offend on purpose (of course unless again there is dementia at play).

I use two strategies. One is grey rocking, just totally ignore, or answer “i don’t know”, “oh ok”. They back off as I don’t engage

If they insist on engaging you, the other is playing dumb. My brother says I perfected playing dumb game. I don’t know about that but I do know that I can’t change rude behavior of someone in advanced age and if I must hang out with the person, I play dumb. That involves pretending I don’t understand the question and asking to clarify or explain repeatedly, they clarify but I continue to follow up with more questions. Or I answer but with a very long elaborate explanation like “why is your bra doing it”. “See when the fabric stretches like this, the elastic acts like it doesn’t lay down and then you know how these bras are made blah blah”. They leave me alone quick. Variety of ways to play dumb. People usually back off because there is nothing they could say to all that

I wonder if she was rude like that in younger age. My dad is rude, he’s been always this way if not worse.

[Rive.]

I don't like her much either. How rude.

One strategy when people say mean or derogatory comments is to plaster a smile and say 'thanks' or 'thank you for sharing' & then going about your business. This typically throws them off, esp. if they see they can't get a rise out of you.

Trying to engage them or rationalise (e.g. explaining) will not work. Arguing or reacting also don't work as they will then become the 'victim'. As much as possible, ignore her / remove yourself from her presence.

[Have Hope]

Thanks, everyone! Your suggestions are all great!! Very helpful.

I’m on my way right now to see her for dinner. I’m having terrible fantasies of telling her off and of confronting her with the fact that her “perfect” son abused me for the first two years of our marriage. I want to tell her no wonder he had a mean streak before all went down between us.

I’m boiling right now over her comments. If she slings one at dinner I may just leave the table. I’m worked up right now over this issue. Apparently she creates tension and fights with her other daughter in law in California. They don’t get along. Now I can see why!!! This daughter in law is taking great care of her, yet she makes sure to let them all know just how miserable she is living with them. More rudeness. They gave her a roof over her head and this is how she behaves.

I’m going to be very quiet at dinner.

[Have Hope]

Ok, so she practically did it again at dinner. I kept getting compliments from her on my looks - my dress, the color of my dress being complementary, my new tan, and how it complements me. But then she said something along the lines of "you should do tanning year-round.. it looks good on you". Which to me, implies that I look better with a tan than without, and that means that I should tan year-round so that I look better?!? The slew of commentary on my looks also made me feel like I was being closely critiqued and made me very uncomfortable. It also came across as extremely shallow on her part.

So what happens? My husband dropped me off at home while he took his mom back to her hotel. When he got back home to me, I imploded. I lost it and went off about how uncomfortable she made me feel. Then I announced that I will be spending very limited time from now on with he and his mother for the duration of her visit (another week). I also told him there is no way I could ever have her live with us. Basically, I lost it. I have no patience for this woman anymore, especially when my father just died, and especially when I am very stressed out and sad.

I think that my husband is now upset with me, which makes me the bad guy. He didn't seem too happy this morning when he left for work.

[Marie123]

I would say......when she says something hurtful......that is a hurtful comment......she will of course, try to justify it. repeat that is a hurtful comment. No further conversation. I might also say that.....if you choose to make disrespectful comments, we cannot have a conversation. She will, of course to to justify, explain. No further conversation. You are NOT the "bad guy"---You have every right to speak up when someone is disrespectful. WHEN she comments on how you look, dress, etc., I would say.....I am happy with the way I am. No further conversation is necessary. Unhappy people....... have a need to criticize others.

[Have Hope]

That would be my own tendency.... to confront the commentary and tell her directly that it's hurtful. I like all the other suggestions made too though. All suggestions here are good ones.

When she made the comment about tanning, I just became quiet and didn't say a word in response. When she says things like this to me, I am caught off guard because I am in a relaxed state, we may have been laughing and having a good time just beforehand, and then ZING! Out of left field comes one of her hurtful comments, and I am suddenly thrown off by it. Then I freeze in response.

She IS a very unhappy person - this is a fact. She lost her teeth, she can hardly walk and is in a lot of pain in her legs, she lost her husband a year ago and she is miserable living with her son and daughter in-law in California.

Last night at dinner my husband was even looking for apartments for her in our area - which we've already determined she cannot afford. I don't know WHY he was even bothering to look at the real estate online while at dinner. She's desperate to leave California and come back out east to live near us. But she cannot afford anything. She has very little money and will have to live on social security benefits. She could afford subsidized housing, but she refuses this option. She's too "above" that.

[Rive.]

You're not the bad guy. There is a limit to how much criticism a human being can take.

She is rude and thoughtless. Would she like people to comment on her physical appearance or would she then feel persecuted? This is what insecure people do. In her mind: she is golden, her son is golden and the whole world is subpar. That says a lot about her.

Great that you decided to limit contact with her and that you put your foot down re her staying with you. Your husband is unhappy? Well, what solution is he offering then? It is not acceptable that his mother keeps disrespecting you. Why should you be bullied in your own home by this womanl?! This is setting good boundaries.

[Have Hope]

Thanks, Rive. And I agree. My husband is not offering any sort of alternative solution. My only solution is to simply limit my time with her to practically nothing. I told him last night that I will not join them again for dinner until next Friday, the night before she flies back to California. He can be with her every night this week, but I won't be. And I need to be with my own family at this time due to the loss of my father. My mother is having a far more difficult time, now that the shock is wearing off.

I honestly cannot take anymore. I've been through so much recently, and with the loss of my father, my patience level is very thin these days. I'm on edge and irritable, and her comments are sending me over the edge.

Also, I know that she makes hurtful comments to her other daughter-in-law out in California, so it's not just me. They've had a few fights whereby they didn't speak for days. I think this woman (her other daughter-in-law) is a complete saint at this stage. She has taken her mother-in-law into her home ,while she works full-time and is also taking care of FOUR kids at home.

And talk about more rudeness? Apparently in California my husband's mom pees in her bed, she leaves the soiled sheets on the bed as well as her soiled diapers on the floor. (She has to wear diapers because she's 80 and leaks). She doesn't clean up after herself in her son's home, so the daughter-in-law has to clean up after her day after day. She also refuses to bathe (she has a private bather who comes twice per week), so she smells and offends all the kids and family. She doesn't care. And they took her into their home when she had no place to go. This is how she behaves.

And yes, she is perfect, however, and so is her son.

[divine1966]

It’s established she is a meanie. Rude. Terrible.

At this point disengaging is the only way. You can fight with your husband about it or tell her off but that won’t change much of anything. He can’t change his mother. He told her off and now she made her comments more subtle. She didn’t change who she is but she is smart, her critique just being more sneaky. All we can change is what we do.

Since complete estrangement is not favorable in this situation, limit the contact. You don’t need to announce it to him. Just limit it. You went out with her twice two nights in a row. I don’t go out two nights in a row with people I like! For sure not with people I don’t like. If she only visited for two days, I’d maybe go two days but she is here for a long time and it’s unreasonable to eat with her daily. Your husband could if he wants to. There is zero reason for you to do so.

As in most situations we cannot change other people (unless these are kids or younger people who still need educating). We change ourselves and our actions

[Have Hope]

Thanks, divine. And agreed. She's 80 and certainly won't change now. This behavior is engrained in her. And apparently she's been making mean, hurtful comments are of her life, according to my husband.

I've gone out with her as much as I have in order to keep my husband company and also to be able to spend time with HIM too. But not this upcoming week.

I feel like contacting the daughter-in-law in California to commiserate and vent, but I know I cannot. This will anger my husband, if he finds out. Even though he acknowledges that her behavior is wrong, he is also very protective of his mom, just like a momma's boy, which is what he is.

I feel sick by all of this. It's making me sick.

[divine1966]

You can certainly talk to sister in law whenever you want and about whatever you want. You don’t need to ask your husbands permission or report to him what was discussed. Why would he mad? You also don’t need to necessarily talk to her about mother in law but the topic might arise anyways.

[Have Hope]

I think he would think that I am stirring up more drama than necessary and than already exists by speaking with her. Knowing him, he won't be happy about it. He is very private and keeps everything to himself, but I am different. I need to vent and talk it through. We're opposites in this way.

[Breaking Dawn]

Good luck, Have Hope!! Fingers crossed for you!!

[divine1966]

Well yeah he doesn’t need to know if you discuss his mother with other people. I won’t be happy either, I could understand how he’d feel. I’d not like that.

I am just saying how he’d know what you talking about.

I think it’s weird that he likes privacy yet doesn’t think you deserve privacy and needs to know what you talking to people about. I have no idea what my husband talks to my brother and sister in law or my daughter or son in law or my nephews or whoever else about if I am not present. I know he shares recipes of some specialty dishes and talks about movies but who knows what else, I don’t care. He’s not a child, I don’t need to supervise his conversations.

I think married people are allowed privacy. Maybe I am just not getting the scenario.

[downandlonely]

My parents make hurtful comments about my appearance and weight constantly. I handle it by severely limiting contact. I moved over 1000 miles away to a new state and time zone. And I limit phone conversations too.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Well yeah he doesn’t need to know if you discuss his mother with other people. I won’t be happy either, I could understand how he’d feel. I’d not like that.

I am just saying how he’d know what you talking about.

I think it’s weird that he likes privacy yet doesn’t think you deserve privacy and needs to know what you talking to people about. I have no idea what my husband talks to my brother and sister in law or my daughter or son in law or my nephews or whoever else about if I am not present. I know he shares recipes of some specialty dishes and talks about movies but who knows what else, I don’t care. He’s not a child, I don’t need to supervise his conversations.

I think married people are allowed privacy. Maybe I am just not getting the scenario.

He will find out because she will tell him I contacted her to talk. He will know what we have talked about. It doesn't really matter anyways because I won't contact her so it's a moot point.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

My parents make hurtful comments about my appearance and weight constantly. I handle it by severely limiting contact. I moved over 1000 miles away to a new state and time zone. And I limit phone conversations too.

That's very saddening to hear and I am so sorry you deal with that. Limiting contact is the best way to go.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

Good luck, Have Hope!! Fingers crossed for you!!

Thank you.

[Have Hope]

Great. My husband told his mother what is going on, so now she knows why I wish to avoid her. He told her how her words can effect other people, and now she feels awful.

This is not what I wanted. I did not want him to tell her, and now there will always be tension or an awkward sore spot between us. She now won't know how to talk to me. I wasn't able to catch him in time before he spoke to her about this. I did not speak up until it was too late.

And now, this morning, my husband "doesn't want to talk about it" and is seemingly upset. He was up very late last night, all stressed out. And he doesn't want to be intimate with me either. He's "not in the mood".

So, now because I became upset, my husband is not in the mood. He said the other day was "very rough" (when I got upset). His mother is now interfering with the happiness level in my marriage and is causing friction between us. Great.

[divine1966]

Did he tell her that HE noticed she is rude to you and she needs to stop. Or he told her that YOU are upset with how she talks. It’s a big difference. First option is acceptable way to address someone being rude to your spouse. Second way is throwing you under the bus and making you a bad guy. Why did he do it? Hopefully he meant well but he’s in a tough spot kind of. That’s his mother. He knows she is rude but his hands are tied and now there is more drama

Oh she doesn’t feel awful as she knows what’s the proper way to speak. And she knows how to speak to you without rudeness.

As about awkwardness, I think there must already be awkwardness in some ways as when you were divorcing you wrote to her about some negative things about her son. That’s maybe why she is rude to you. She might be resenting you. She’ll go back soon as no one has covid forever and it all be back to normal. Thankfully she doesn’t live with you. I doubt she’ll move in. Few more days. You can do it.

[Have Hope]

He told her that some of her comments are rude and that words can have an effect on someone. I don't think he threw me under the bus, but then again, he did not tell me verbatim what he said to her and how it was said. She does know I am/was upset. I know his intentions are in the right place. He's trying to correct his mother. She says all sorts of inappropriate things, including semi-racist remarks.

Yes, there likely IS awkwardness because of the prior texts I had sent his mom while we were separating. I had point blank told her that her son was abusive towards me. But she thinks her son is perfect, and that I am "crazy" so that's that. He can do no wrong, so I must be wrong. Yes, I am sure she resents that, but she's been otherwise cordial to me and tells me she loves me kind of thing. She also gave me a very expensive diamond watch of hers that she no longer wears, after we had gotten back together. If she resented me THAT much, I don't think she would have made such a gesture.

I likely won't be with her again until Friday evening - that is IF I am invited to join them for dinner before she leaves.

She cannot move in with us anyways. We have a two-story apartment, and she cannot climb stairs because of the pain in her legs. So there's no chance of that happening regardless.

[Rive.]

Hm, things seem to always be on your husband's terms... or moods. Others have to suck it up or else he gets upset.

As for "and now she feels awful", call me cynical but from the way you describe her & how she treats her other daughter-in-law, I don't believe that. She is more likely using emotional blackmail to 'play' you. So that you now feel guilty at how horrible you are to her and she becomes the 'victim'.

Being rude to people can have consequences. If she believes one of the consequences is you not wanting to talk to her, then maybe she should change the way she treats other people.

[Have Hope]

He is very testy. And right now I don’t feel like sucking up to one of his moods. I left, and with tension between us over his mother. I cannot deal with either one of them right now so I just took off earlier than expected to go to my mother’s outdoor pool.

My fathers obituary was published in todays paper. I’m having enough of a hard time as it is dealing with my sorrow. So right now, I don’t feel like babying or pandering to my husband. He can go spend the day with his rude mean mother. He needs to grow up and not take this out on me because his mom is rude.

And you’re right. She now gets to play the victim. I’m the bad guy for speaking up.