18yo girl and 27yo guy

I didn’t say it’s illegal or that you broke laws. It might not be illegal but it’s unethical due to the fact that students are entrusted in your care and there’s power imbalance. It’s a ground for dismissal and potential lawsuit.

You might not be breaking laws but plenty of things are unethical on the job even if not illegal. I can’t be lighting up a cigarette or get drunk or smoke pot on my job. All of these things are legal. Not ethical. Might get ethical in other jobs but they have their own expectations of what’s not ethical

If a student still enrolled in school, a student isn’t in a full adult authority yet as for example parents or guardians have to call the school if the child is sick. When students are still enrolled in school, school is responsible for their well being

You don’t seriously ask what prevents teachers from dating their students. Students are entrusted in teachers’ care. Students are enrolled in schools by their parents who trust they their kids are receiving proper care and education. If a person wants to date their students, they are in a very wrong profession

If you want to date, do not do it on the job. Do not date students entrusted in your care. Find independent people to date

I have heard in the past (even in the US), male university professors would date 18-year-old female students. And at the time it was not frowned upon. But times have changed, and we understand more about the power imbalance now.

I did have crush on a university professor when I was 21 and he was over 30. He was my teacher though. If anything had happened, he would have been fired and probably never have been able to get another faculty position (although he would not have been sent to prison). Things like that are in place because teachers used to (and in some case still do) take sexual advantage of students in exchange for things like grades.

Having sex with your student even if they are 18 violates “duty of care”.

You pledge to care for them and ensure their safety at all times. Having sex with your students violates duty of care. It might not be considered a crime as he or she are 18 but it most certainly means you cannot be trusted to take care of school students. They are not minors in terms of age but they are minors in terms of being entrusted in your care. Duty of care does not include having sex with them

If 18 year old is independent adult in full capacity and you’ve met them in a grocery store then it’s all good

I would also not date someone I work with (regardless of age), because it would make things awkward if the relationship ended and we still had to see each other every day at work.

Yes power imbalance. Still universities and schools aren’t the same thing. Not the same duty of care or level of independence. Teachers have duty of care ensuring students safety and care regardless if they are 18. Sleeping with them isn’t included in a proper duty of care

I started uni at 17; the age when high school ends depends on the country.
In the author's situation, he's also not a teacher anymore. If his possible involvement with an ex-student can cause him employment problems in the future, that's on him, he can decide for himself if it's worth it.

Also, many relationships that don't involve ex-students/teachers have power imbalances - financially, status-wise, social class-wise. Sure, in the ideal world, we'd date without power imbalances but realistically, people from different social classes end up liking each other and developing connections, romantic ones included. If both people have self-respect and dignity, that's not an issue and can actually be a good thing.

You know what? Just let him do what he so obviously wants to do. Then he can find out for himself.

Lol - that’s what I was thinking and saying too!

Yeah. Thankfully he said he’s not going to pursue her. So that’s good.

I am just completely perplexed with the questions not even pertaining to the situation at hand “why is it wrong for teachers dating their students”. Like why would someone even ask that? And I was asked to explain. Honestly does anyone need an explanation about teachers not sleeping with students or dating them or otherwise romantically involve them? Like does it really warrant an explanation?

I've made up my mind some time ago if you missed it. I'm not moving forward with this. We're just talking. That's forbidden too?

when did we reach a point when it's not ok to ask questions or to be shamed for asking something? Asking is key to undestanding, it's worse not to ask and remain ignorant. We are from different cultures here and what's taboo and clearcut in one culture, might not be as clearcut elsewhere. I'd rather ask and learn other perspectives behind different views (doesn't mean I have to agree).

One thing that has been mentioned but perhaps insufficiently emphasized is her actual age. How do you actually know that she is 18 (or whatever age where you are)? You should see her drivers license. If you were to have sex with her and she was not in fact 18, you would potentially be vulnerable to criminal prosecution. It would not matter if she had told you that she was 18.

You would also be vulnerable to her making false claims about your behavior. Even if you prevailed against her false claims, your reputation could be seriously damaged for having been so close to her.

Great point. I asked before if there is evidence of her actual age but didn’t receive a response. It would be unusual for a grown woman to attend teenage camp. OP mentioned they were teenagers. Not sure for what exact ages

Good point @Bill3!!

I was 16 and had an enormous crush on a 23 year old bartender. I lied to him about my age because I wanted to be with him.

Since this girl according to the OP was definitely hitting on him, it’s very possible she lied about her age.

She's about to graduate something like a high school in Croatia and you're 18 when you start the last year there. I looked that up.

This can happen to me any day and anytime no matter what I do so I don't see the point. She could have said I had grabbed her if she didn't like me and it would have been the same.

Hi BigBubba, aside from the other things discussed, I think with the age difference there is a lack of maturity that would probably end up becoming a problem in the relationship. There is a lot of maturing and psychological development an 18 year old has yet to go through and that can become problematic. It’s like getting to drive a car and how that can be exciting at first but just becomes a task already accomplished.

That age is still very inexperienced and naive. She is going to grow and change a lot in the years to come. Her brain isn’t even fully developed yet.

I hope it’s okay just to point out that part of this may be cultural differences? The age of consent is lower in Croatia (15) and not sure where the OP is from but it’s generally lower in Europe, I think that may have quite a bearing on attitudes to relationships and age gaps.

I don’t personally see great problems with what the OP is describing if he’s no longer anything to do with her education (he wasn’t her teacher). I do remember having flirtations and crushes with men his age when I was her age. I just found older men more interesting!

It’s very true what OE says about emotional development however, and that’s something I’d be very aware of. Apparently our brains aren’t fully developed until 25.

That being said there is a part of you that will be flattered and curious given the negative experience you had with girls when you were this age. Yet, what hurt you was more due to their lack of maturity that can seem like you are unworthy when in reality it’s simply not that black and white, but instead lack of maturity. Girls thinking they know what they want only to discover they were wrong. Not enough life experience and many years later will look back and say, gee was I dumb back then.

Discombobulated makes a good point in that the age difference may be looked at differently depending on country and culture.

I was 18 when I met the man who would become my husband. He was 34. No, he was not a "creep." He'd been in a number of long-term relationships with women his age. That said, the sixteen year age difference has been very difficult in many ways - but 16 years is a lot more than 9 years. We have had some very rough times and separations in our marriage, but I believe that's due more to our personalities than to our age difference. When all is said and done, we've raised two children we are extremely proud of, and we've been married for about 40 years.

Thread closed for administrative discussion.

I've reopened this thread. Please bear in mind that this thread contains content that may be triggering to some members. Also please remember we are a peer to peer support site. Thanks everyone!

Speaking about closure... I've ended up in a room with this girl, one on one, and we've spoken briefly. As it turned out, she is 16 years old. Obviously she's way ahead of a regular education path since she started earlier (and so she's not 18).

Jesus Christ.

Thank you very much for letting us know.