[Mrbojangles]

Hi everyone. First post here. I feel like I'm losing my mind and my 20 year marriage.

My wife has completely lost the plot over the last few years. We have had a very stressful period with her losing her job witha serious autoimmune condition, having an autistic son, the lockdowns etc. She has always been quite anti authoritive but during the last few years she has fallen into looney tune territory.

I have found emails, websites etc where she is discussing everything from 5G killing us, microchips, issuing legal challenges on the police) politicians etc. She talks with authority on all sorts of **** and it is really really embarrassing...so much so I've stopped having friends over. She has no friends anymore. Her social media posts are mind blowing.....9/11, covid, WEF etc. It has consumed her life. I refuse to watch the news and i said i didnt want to hear the word covid in the house again. When you add in the huge stress of managing a difficult child (who we both adore) it is a pressure coomer.

I am feeling very very alienated as I work hard and when I finish I spend all my time going out with our son. My own family help me out with our son and they can tell there is something wrong and they distance themselves from my wife. My wifes sister is quite similar in beliefs - her marriage ended recently. I have tried talking to my wife about it but she gets all defensive and tries to be superior on what she thinks she knows.

I don't want to sound controlling but Im at the end of my tether. At times we can still have a reminder of our old times when she switches off from the conspiracy theories. We recently went for a birthday dinner on our own and had a good time just having fun. We are still very attracted to each other. I told her at xmas time she needed to get off the laptop and try to get a hobby, a friend and a real social life. - she hasn't taken a blind bit of notice.

I simply can't think of a life seperated from our son so I feel the walls closing in on me and I admit I've been in a really lonely and dangerous place a few times.

Would appreciate some advice or support. I find it hard to talk to anyone about this private stuff.

[Nammu]

What a difficult situation. Sounds like she had too many blows from life and latched on to the conspiracy crap as a life line. It’s gonna be hard to let go of the false sense of security that those beliefs give the people who latch on. Don’t let go of your friends you will need them. Feel free to post here.

[Have Hope]

Wow - that truly is tough. Can you give her an ultimatum at this point? Either she knocks it off or you're leaving her? Can you confront this with her and tell her that it's ruining your marriage?

[Mrbojangles]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Wow - that truly is tough. Can you give her an ultimatum at this point? Either she knocks it off or you're leaving her? Can you confront this with her and tell her that it's ruining your marriage?

I confronted her last nigjt and got it all off my chest. She tried to explain she is only trying to look out for whats coming (food shortages, losing our wealth etc). I told her she will have zero impact on any future issie and to enjoy her fkn life. I am really not sure what to do. Part of me knows its over but my son is the most important thing in all of this. His world would turn upside down if I left

[Mrbojangles]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Wow - that truly is tough. Can you give her an ultimatum at this point? Either she knocks it off or you're leaving her? Can you confront this with her and tell her that it's ruining your marriage?

Originally Posted by Nammu

What a difficult situation. Sounds like she had too many blows from life and latched on to the conspiracy crap as a life line. It’s gonna be hard to let go of the false sense of security that those beliefs give the people who latch on. Don’t let go of your friends you will need them. Feel free to post here.

Yes she has really had it tough recently and her dad is slowly dying with dementia in a care home which is truly awful but even more reason not to go down rabbit holes with conspiracy theories. I do fear she has mental health issues or actually is autistic in some way.

[eskielover]

Going to play devils advocate here.....she has the right to think the way she does about things going on in this world just as much as you do whether it is different from your thinking or not

Do you have PROOF that she is wrong or is it really your OPINION vs her OPINION on these things?

What ever happened to tolerance of differing opinions or beliefs? This applies to both sides, I am not just pointing at you. Respecting each others choices of how one believes is the only way marriages truly work because differences in the way we see things is NORMAL. Agreeing on everything isn't & putting her down for the way she thinks or her putting you down WILL end the marriage when it replaces tolerance

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Going to play devils advocate here.....she has the right to think the way she does about things going on in this world just as much as you do whether it is different from your thinking or not

Do you have PROOF that she is wrong or is it really your OPINION vs her OPINION on these things?

What ever happened to tolerance of differing opinions or beliefs? This applies to both sides, I am not just pointing at you. Respecting each others choices of how one believes is the only way marriages truly work because differences in the way we see things is NORMAL. Agreeing on everything isn't & putting her down for the way she thinks or her putting you down WILL end the marriage when it replaces tolerance

There are unfortunately segments of society who have completely lost the plot and it goes beyond simply having a different opinion. It’s almost like they need to be deprogrammed. I don’t tolerate the people in my life who have gone off the deep end into the world of conspiracy theories. They freak me out and it sounds like this person has gone into wackadoodle, Alex Jones mode. I don’t have the answers, but perhaps it is therapy time.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Speaking of Psychology: Why people believe in conspiracy theories, with Karen Douglas, PhD

‘I feel like I’ve lost him’: The families torn apart by conspiracy theories

Psychology of Conspiracy Theories: Why Do People Believe Them?

What happens when people talk to their therapists about conspiracy theories? It's tricky. | Mashable

Conspiracy Theories Aren't Delusions | Psychology Today

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...be-treated?amp

[Mrbojangles]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Going to play devils advocate here.....she has the right to think the way she does about things going on in this world just as much as you do whether it is different from your thinking or not

Do you have PROOF that she is wrong or is it really your OPINION vs her OPINION on these things?

What ever happened to tolerance of differing opinions or beliefs? This applies to both sides, I am not just pointing at you. Respecting each others choices of how one believes is the only way marriages truly work because differences in the way we see things is NORMAL. Agreeing on everything isn't & putting her down for the way she thinks or her putting you down WILL end the marriage when it replaces tolerance

Its a fair point you make and trust me I have thought about this endlessly but it has consumed her life to the point of making her paranoid, unsociable and a risk to herself and our family. For example she was caught speeding in June and concealed it from me. Instead of paying the fine she has launched into a tirade of letters and emails threatening to use centuries old UK law to issue legal proceedings against the head of police. Seriously? She's now at risk of losing her driving license. She is doing a similar thing to get removed from the electoral roll as she 'doesn't want to be governed' - surely just dont vote!!
She has been in a battle with a care home over wearing a mask while visiting her father. Now i don't believe in face masks but she simply had to wear one from the door to her fathers room and then could take it off (her mother and sister do this and half the time its not needed). She refused and has spent hours sending letters and emails protesting so the home staff watch for her and obviously make things difficult - I am struggling to take her side in all of this tbh as she is like a 'Karen'...I told her this last night.

The time and effort she has put in to these wild escapades while Im working and trying to take our autistic son out. Our talk last night at least got it back out in the open. Where it will go I've no idea atm.

[divine1966]

I listened to this interesting program on BBC world radio. They were talking about people who got so deep into conspiracies that they lost friends and got issues at work and were losing their families and they still wouldn’t stop.

They were talking about extreme cases, not just someone occasionally read something stupid and believe it, these were extremes. There was a panel on the show including a psychiatrist etc I don’t recall the details but the bottom line it falls into a mental health issue. People have such extreme anxiety about the world around them that normal explanations of how things work just won’t do it. So they look into extremes

You cannot change their mind. You can’t convince them otherwise. Any arguments are pointless. They need to seek mental health help but since they don’t, there just nothing you can do.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Going to play devils advocate here.....she has the right to think the way she does about things going on in this world just as much as you do whether it is different from your thinking or not

Do you have PROOF that she is wrong or is it really your OPINION vs her OPINION on these things?

What ever happened to tolerance of differing opinions or beliefs? This applies to both sides, I am not just pointing at you. Respecting each others choices of how one believes is the only way marriages truly work because differences in the way we see things is NORMAL. Agreeing on everything isn't & putting her down for the way she thinks or her putting you down WILL end the marriage when it replaces tolerance

Any addiction and uncontrolled obsession is detrimental to the marriage: drinking, gambling, internet, work obsession, excessive working out AND obsession with conspiracy theories etc These things do destroy relationships. We can bring tolerance into the discussion by saying you should tolerate alcoholic drinking all day or husband working out 8 hours every single day instead of being with his family at least for some time. Let’s be tolerant.

Spending excessive amount of time on the internet and obsessing over conspiracy theories is detrimental to the marriage. That’s when people need to seek help.

Also conspiracy theories have nothing to do with proof. Many of them are not scientifically plausible and there’s evidence that it’s not what happened yet it wouldn’t stop a conspiracy theorist. Proving them wrong isn’t going to stop anything.

Again the issue isn’t that she has some opinions, but the amount of time and mental energy she devotes to conspiracy theories. It’s detrimental to their marriage.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Speaking of Psychology: Why people believe in conspiracy theories, with Karen Douglas, PhD

‘I feel like I’ve lost him’: The families torn apart by conspiracy theories

Psychology of Conspiracy Theories: Why Do People Believe Them?

What happens when people talk to their therapists about conspiracy theories? It's tricky. | Mashable

Conspiracy Theories Aren't Delusions | Psychology Today

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...be-treated?amp

Excellent articles.

[Molinit]

Could this activity be an escape for her possibly? And a way to try to regain some control ( even if only in her mind) due to so many things out of her control? Is she in counseling at all?

[Have Hope]

I think this becomes dangerous to a relationship and threatening when a person loses their friends over an issue, and when that same issue causes the other spouse extreme distress, as it is in this case. I don't think it's a matter of respecting another spous'es opinion. It's that these opinions can be off the wall paranoia and to the extreme, which isolates the believer and ostracizes the other spouse.

[Discombobulated]

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this, I notice when you write that you went out together as a couple and you had fun - and that you’re still attracted to each other. I know it may be difficult because of your son but are you able (and is she willing) to schedule in some relaxed time just the two of you to take a break from things? Maybe make it a rule you won’t discuss contentious issues.?

I’m reading there’s been a very stressful run up to this, a job loss, an illness diagnosis, as well as ongoing support to your son. I do wonder like Monlit says whether control is the real issue here - whether she is striking out trying to regain some sense of control.

In which case I’m wondering if there are safe ways to help her regain some control, encouraging her to plan a project or holiday perhaps?

I feel the key will be working with her not challenging her beliefs - because nobody likes to be told they’re wrong and that’s likely to make her want to push back further. Doesn’t mean to say you have to agree but I’d personally try to steer conversation towards neutral subjects - I know that may be easier said than done however.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Mrbojangles

I confronted her last nigjt and got it all off my chest. She tried to explain she is only trying to look out for whats coming (food shortages, losing our wealth etc). I told her she will have zero impact on any future issie and to enjoy her fkn life. I am really not sure what to do. Part of me knows its over but my son is the most important thing in all of this. His world would turn upside down if I left

She is thinking with doomsday thoughts. Perhaps a couples therapist can help intervene? Perhaps with a neutral third party, you can explain how you feel and perhaps she will then hear you. It's a thought at least.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Mrbojangles

Its a fair point you make and trust me I have thought about this endlessly but it has consumed her life to the point of making her paranoid, unsociable and a risk to herself and our family. For example she was caught speeding in June and concealed it from me. Instead of paying the fine she has launched into a tirade of letters and emails threatening to use centuries old UK law to issue legal proceedings against the head of police. Seriously? She's now at risk of losing her driving license. She is doing a similar thing to get removed from the electoral roll as she 'doesn't want to be governed' - surely just dont vote!!
She has been in a battle with a care home over wearing a mask while visiting her father. Now i don't believe in face masks but she simply had to wear one from the door to her fathers room and then could take it off (her mother and sister do this and half the time its not needed). She refused and has spent hours sending letters and emails protesting so the home staff watch for her and obviously make things difficult - I am struggling to take her side in all of this tbh as she is like a 'Karen'...I told her this last night.

The time and effort she has put in to these wild escapades while Im working and trying to take our autistic son out. Our talk last night at least got it back out in the open. Where it will go I've no idea atm.

I agree - to try and issue legal proceedings against the head of police will not end well, when she was the one caught speeding.

She is making life very difficult for you and the marriage - she seems very far gone to the point that someone in a position of authority has got to intervene and reason with her over these things.

[AzulOscuro]

You must feel very frustrated with this situation.
You pointed out that it might be a possibility that she’s in the spectrum of autism. Have you ever considered this possibility before in the past along your years of marriage?

What I’m gonna tell you is not to scare you, only to rule out that she is not developing a serious mental illness.
With this I’m not saying that everybody who has a fixation with a belief could be mentally ill.
If I were you I would begin with going with her to see a psychiatrist. The problem is how to convince her to give that step.
Maybe you could make an appointment with the psychiatrist and talk to him/her about your
wife’s case. Maybe he could guide you and give you a hint about what’s the best way to treat her or search for signals that may give you and the psychiatrist more information.
I guess this is not ethical. I’m not sure but at least, you could try to talk to him about the problem at home.

It may be an starting point.

Then, the suggestions about couple therapy, could be another step. Someone to help her to get out of the internet addiction, too.

Keep us informed!
Hope she shows herself receptive.

[moodyblue83]

Just want to put out there that the definition of “conspiracy theory “ has been twisted and put in a negative light by the CIA to stop people from investigating
further into subjects they would rather see closed with the simplest explanation.
It has been pounded into the public that to believe there may be more to some event , then what’s
been fed to you by the media , is going into “ conspiracy “ rather than their nicely tied bundled and wrapped
simple explanation.
Now with that out of the way , addressing the subject at hand. It seems like she has definitely gone over the top.
But I don’t think the issue is really about conspiracies. I believe she suffers from extreme paranoia. To the extent
that professional help is warranted.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by moodyblue83

Just want to put out there that the definition of “conspiracy theory “ has been twisted and put in a negative light by the CIA to stop people from investigating
further into subjects they would rather see closed with the simplest explanation.
It has been pounded into the public that to believe there may be more to some event , then what’s
been fed to you by the media , is going into “ conspiracy “ rather than their nicely tied bundled and wrapped
simple explanation.
Now with that out of the way , addressing the subject at hand. It seems like she has definitely gone over the top.
But I don’t think the issue is really about conspiracies. I believe she suffers from extreme paranoia. To the extent
that professional help is warranted.

I am totally with you on your post & how "conspiracy theory" has been redefined to be anything that doesn't agree with the simple explanation desired for the public to believe. Many times what they have claimed to be conspiracy theory have proven to be the truth.

Her actions definitely sound more like she has crossed over into paranoia

[Mendingmysoul]

I also tend to believe that there is always more to the story than that meets the eye. I am not extreme paranoic, but just a little bit.A lot of times my version of events became true in reality.When I tried to share with people they thought I was reading too much into it.I observe everything around me very carefully, so end up noticing stuff that others donot.
When it goes to extreme levels then may be a problem for relationships.But given how the world is now a days,Pollyanna style of thinking is not good for any one.

[Discombobulated]

Yes I’d agree black and white thinking isn’t good in any scenario - what Mr Bojangles describes sounds to me like an extreme case of black and white thinking, where his wife does not seem at all open to any other possibilities other than the one she believes in.

When you talk about her beliefs in food shortages I can personally see the path of logic she’s following- after all we all experienced that 2 and a half years ago at the start of the pandemic.

I was working in food retail at the time and I can verify there was no supply issue - it was a mass panic which created sudden demand outstripping the availability. Simply put, many people over bought. Yet try as we might myself and my colleagues could not get through to people that everything would be fine as long as they just bought what they needed. It was an education in psychology for us all. At the root of it all was an extreme anxiety- and people influenced each other, we’re social animals.

So in a way your wife may be using recent experience to prepare for the future, she’s seen panic buying and shortages so she’s preparing for it to happen again. There is logic there.

You’re quite right when you say even if a disaster happens her sphere of influence is limited, but she seems to have an urge to prepare, to try to control?

How are you doing Mr Bojangles? We’ve all written quite a lot of different things here, but I’m wondering if any of it has struck a chord with you?

[Mendingmysoul]

Yep,it is hard not to be influenced by mass hysteria when it happens.Here people hoarded on toilet tissues. And when I realised stores were going out of toilet rolls soon because of panic buying.I myself went on panic buying and hit every store in my area and bought as many as I could.I couldn't gather many,so was panicking all the time,thinking what do I do if I ran out of toilet paper. I started watching you tube videos on alternate methods and was prepping a lot just in case. I felt relieved I had a patch of lamb's ear in my back yard.LOL.

[AzulOscuro]

I see all your points, girls. But, when a person it’s so focused on a topic, a belief, a matter up to the point that she changes her behaviour or renounces to enjoy or stay present in the other fields of her life, there’s a problem. Not only for the ones around her but also for herself.

I was wondering if she could have been brainwashed.
It happened to many young adults who were brainwashed by the Daesh.
This is very dangerous and very hard to get rid of it unless a trained professional helps her.

You can have even a radical belief but put your friends apart and have less care towards your dear son and husband.

I’d like to ask to @What-the-hell if she is putting a lot effort at trying to convince you of her new ideas.

PS: Sorry the question was for the O.P. @MrBonjangles. lol!

[MaverickLovesYou]

I use to be a conspiracy theorist too but stopped bc we don't have the power to change it anyway & it was affecting me mentally. All that time could be spent on bettering yourself. Bottom line: just live your life