[Aviza]

She has trouble due to arthritis getting dressed. I told her to talk to her dr for assistance. I really don't want to move in with her. I don't mind going to there on weekends but she wants more time and I do assist dressing her a small amount pulling the back of her pants over her butt getting her bra stap pulled up in the back. putting on a jacket or coat.

Every weekend she tells me she wants me to move in. visiting is one thing but honestly there's no room for my stuff she barely has room for herself now that she downsized.

She took care of her mom and she expects the same of me. My brother has said he would take care of her but she doesn't want to move in with his family. she wants to stay put and have me to command basically. it would be very bad for my mental health to say the least.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Has she worked with an occupational therapist? They can help her with "tricks" to make dressing herself easier. Depending on how much she is able to get out home health may be able to come in to provide therapy in the home or there are outpatient clinics.

[eskielover]

Sometimes even Mom's have to deal with reality that their "wants" will not be met.

My mom & I could not get along under the same roof because I was too independent & couldn't be manipulated or guilted into doing what she wanted unless I believed it was the right thing to do.

If they want to be independent & live where they are living, then they need to be capable. Otherwise they have to fit into the family needs they become dependent on. That is just how life works when we get older.

I learned from what my mom did to me with wanting to stay in her house when she was dying & swore I would NEVER do that to my daughter. Mom's can easily be selfish with their wants even when not realistically possible.

You have to care for yourself & handle the situation with your own needs as a priority & let mom figure out how best to fit into the family's reality

[Embracingtruth]

If your mom is turning away offers for assistance because she wants to keep her independence and stay in the home she's accustom to living in, then she needs to consider services that can help her with these needs. Does she have insurance? Beyondtherainbow gave some excellent advice on home health services that can come in and teach your mom how to handle these difficulties. I believe that is a good, first choice to explore. If you put yourself in the middle of that situation now, it will become increasingly harder to go a different direction later for your mom. This is best handled by professional care if possible. And if she reaches a point where that increasingly becomes more difficult , then you might need to explore assisted living services or communities. My mom ended up having to go into one of those communities because her needs were just too many for a family member to manage on a daily basis. Your mom may not be candidate for that yet, but some forward thinking on this might be helpful.

[rechu]

I agree with the others. Don't give into the guilt trip and move in. I'd research what resources might be available to her and provide her with the information. There should be an Agency on Aging in your area, which would be a good place to start.

[Rive.]

'No mom, you cannot move in with me. You can move with [brother] who offered to help take care of you'

She needs help. That doesn't mean that *she* gets to dictate the conditions of this help.

Your brother offered to take care of her, so this is her option. She can take it or leave it. If this is an inconvenience to her, just too bad. Again, she is the one who needs help, so she is the one who will need to adjust and adapt, even if she doesn't want to.