Grieving my marriahe

This fear you experience is not bad, it’s very uncomfortable but it’s not bad.

I believe you are a good person and you genuinely love and care. Yet if another person be it a family member, friend, or spouse doesn’t have these qualities they are repulsed. They play a roll to get others to think they care but they don’t and can get cold and angry about it.

It’s very much like hiding an addiction problem which is why alcoholism/addictions are so similar to narcissistic behaviors.

You do not want to be mean or cruel and controlling, you genuinely care. This is not something a narcissistic individual can do. You were just a servant and it never mattered how much you loved and cared, you were to service and that is all. No amount of love and genuine caring is going to change this dynamic. This is the root of what makes you feel crazy and confused.

It’s power and control a disordered individual wants most. And like the alcohol, it’s never enough. They will even buy you things but not out of love, instead to control. Your wife doesn’t love or care about you. This was NEVER because you were unworthy. Actually, there is a kind of jealous involved in that you can love and care and she can’t. Yet, she may play some games of sweetness to get her needs met or just to feed her ego.

Your children know, they just don’t know how to articulate it. They want to be with you because you are safe. They deserve to feel safe and have boundaries so they can figure out who they are and build healthy self esteem.

You deserve the same.

You won't believe me, but...

It wasn't always like this.

There were always things that were high maintenance or difficult to navigate. I was expected to serve her a lot. My codependent background primed me for that. But I think she really loved me.

But yes, things were one sided in a lot of ways.

The stuff I said about vitamin B1 dementia, or alcoholic dementia, it really, really rings true. That has symptoms of loss of empathy, loss of higher order thinking, and feelings of paranoia.

The kids told me some very, very strange paranoia stories this past week.

"
It’s power and control a disordered individual wants most. "

Wow.... Wow..... Wow....

She has tried SO hard to be dominant and controlling.

I'm so used to giving in to keep the peace. Now it's beyond repair and I have the kids to focus on.

It is blowing her mind that she isn't getting her way with every request she's making.

I believe I see her, the real her, the her that's beneath all the alcohol damage and the trauma she grew up with. I can see her, and she IS wonderful and beautiful. Years ago a counselor identified that I was willingly accepting abuse because I was hopeful for a change.

Things aren't going to go her way, they aren't going to happen on her schedule, she won't get everything she thinks she's entitled to, and the world is going to crash down on her. I'm scared it will break her, and her friends won't be there.

She's not evil, she's damaged. But she can't pull us all down with her, and her damage can't keep effecting the family.

Disordered people don't like boundaries. They don't like "no".


Oh.... An update..... I've successfully kept my distance from the attractive woman who was so complimentary to me. Some of those early feelings are subsiding. She's wonderful, but I'll wait until I'm healthier to explore anything. I was thirsty af for some positivity, and I like being partnered to someone, but not yet.

RDM

RD, it’s very important that your children feel heard. I am sure you will discover they kept quiet to keep the peace too. Children do not have the knowledge and life skills to deal with a parent’s behaviors that scare and confuse them. No child should be forced to spend time with an unstable parent they don’t feel safe with.

I think your focus should be on your children and providing a safe home they can have as a Haven while they focus on learning and growing and developing a healthy sense of self. Bringing another woman into the mix can take away from the attention your children need right now and also your own healing and growth.

I completely agree.

I think you are moving in the right direction. You are being a daddy and enjoying your children and these years are so important for them. You are also beginning to recognize how your wife’s presence can disrupt this new safe environment. It has not been that long, give it time. ❤️