Grieving my marriahe

Oldest kid has his girlfriend over.

All the kids are doing something fun and goofy, including the new girlfriend..

Daughter is playing a video game online with her friends and laughing so hard she's crying.

We all ate enough supper that we're about to burst and then had dessert.

The house and dishes are clean, I did some work on the oldest's car after supper, took a long hot shower, and things are just good.

I'm incredibly relaxed and happy right now.

Thanks for helping me get to today.

I'm so glad you finally can feel happiness and contentment. You deserve it.

Our children have a right to have a place they can feel safe. ❤️

Can we have friends over tonight?
Yes, but you're playing video games because I'm watching a movie. I may ditch you all and go visit the neighbors for an hour.

Can we have chicken for supper?
Yes, I bought chicken with the groceries.

I don't have any underwear.
That's because you didnt do the laundry I told you to do. Guess you have something to do in the next hour Mr. Commando.

Do you like my beard?
Yes, and quit leaving clippings in the sink.
DON'T DAD ME FOR EVERYTHING!
I'm the Dad, get over it. Go trim your beard and clean up before your girlfriend comes over.

What are we doing tomorrow?
Do you mean, what are we doing AFTER your homework is done? Because if you get it done early enough I'm happy to put you all in the van and go for treats after supper tomorrow.

Can you help me change the sheets on my bed?
Yes, are the old ones already in the wash. Your brother is taking a shower so you might have to wait.

Dad, did you torque the pinch bolt on my balljoint?
Nope, everything is installed. Tighten it down and back check it before you put the wheel back on. Double check wheel torque before you leave the driveway.

Dad, did you get me pit stick?
Yes, lady speedstick cucumber. Let me kiss your head. Now go away cause I'm busy. Nope, I need more. Hug me first. Now go away.


Holy Jeeeeperz I like being home!!

I love all of this!

Just a good day.

Oh no - do not leave them alone in the house!

They range in age from 13 to 19. Two of them have first aid training.

They're ok at home alone for short stretches.

I would say, for their friends. Those parents would expect there to be parental supervision at all times. Also legally.

I see no problem in your own kids being home alone, just the two of them, at their age. Altho my (older) brother definitely was not to be trusted. Your son does sound more trustworthy.

You finally have a say as a parent. Tone is important along with creating an environment geared toward everyone learning responsibility. But the tone is that of respect and appreciation which builds self esteem. It’s about slowly learning skills to become more independent.

Up to this point they were expected to be codependent. All of you were which happens when an alcoholic has too much control and everyone is walking on eggshells around the mood swings.

What I learned about alcoholism is that while I can sit and have two glasses of wine and be ok the alcoholic is not and continues to consume. I was not on a mission to fill a void, the alcoholic is. There is also a lot of exaggeration as it’s the same as needing to consume more alcohol in that a person also exaggerates who they are and what they can do.

The biggest lie is the lie they tell themselves about their need to consume alcohol. People that live with an alcoholic tend to suffer from low self esteem and some desire to help fill a void they cannot fill in the alcoholic/addict. Also there is a constant stress of not knowing what mood is going to come up with this unstable individual.

The alcoholic often sees themselves as a victim yet it’s often of their own doing that they don’t want to see because the don’t want to give up drinking. Instead they prefer to live the illusion instead of the reality.

Narcissism Demystified | Psychology Today

When you bring up this link scroll down until you come to the article saying 10 ways a narcissist and an alcoholic are similar.

I could not seem to copy and paste just that one article using my cell phone.

10 Ways Narcissists and Alcoholics Are Similar | Psychology Today

Think I got it with this last attempt.

First off, thank you. I will read that link.

Secondly, I have left the house when the kids have friends over provided:
- the other parents know and are ok with it.
- there is an older kid left in charge.
- it's not for long
- I'm not far. Last night I was across the street visiting.

Thirdly..... This is hard today. My wife showed up unannounced to pick up some things. Prior to that she was "flexing" telling me I had to vacate her house, she was going to charge me rent to remain, she was assuming equal parental rights, etc.

She got her first dose of reality today. The kids texted her saying; no further contact, we're staying with Dad. When she tried to insist her will on the oldest he threatened her with harassment charges. I told her, I neither can or will stop him. As she said, he's nearly an adult, and this is his choice and I will verify every true thing he says. She threatened the separation agreement was pending from her lawyer. I reminded her, she had to truthfully advise her lawyer of the kids' chosen guardian.

I offered to move her belongings to storage for one month and she could retrieve them as she was able.

As much as I say reality hit her, the financial reality did, I think.

She remains convinced that I manipulated the kids against her. She's being victimized by me.

She's a mentally ill, injured, damaged person. I have felt and feel enormous guilt for her life situation.

But, I can't save us all. I warned her for years that she was damaging the kids and her relationships. For that I was "tearing her apart".

I hate that she's in pain, that the kids are in pain, and that she can't see her own contributions to all this.

RDM

It was hard to see her, my beautiful wife.

I always wanted her.

You wanted the illusion you created of her
You gave her qualities she simply did not have.

She will be showing you her true nature now. It’s not going to be this sweet beautiful person you had created in your mind. You don’t even know how much alcohol she has in her system. Some drunks rage and get really mean.

She should not be able to show up unannounced and act aggressive like this.

I think you should report this to your lawyer.

Another thing you could do is call the police expressing your concern that she may be too drunk to drive. They can stop her and give her a test for alcohol. Remember, a person can function even when their blood alcohol level is high. However, they are not really functioning normal. This is why her own children are afraid to be in a car with her driving.

People who abuse alcohol and drugs put others at risk. This fact is REAL!

Someone has to be there for your children. Your children deserve to feel safe and to develop some healthy self esteem. They have asked YOU to step up and take charge so they can feel safe.

Listen, see, it’s important not only for your children but for yourself.

You longed to be loved and your wife denied you. You believed it was your fault and that you were not good enough. Tell me, do you want your children to feel that way too?

I really don't believe she ever drove while under the influence. I truly, truly don't believe that.

She drank throughout the day. It was a constant low dose and she would not drive unless she had 1-2 hours from her last sip.

She was not loud when she came to the house. It did surprise us. She has said stuff to me on the phone and over text repeatedly that she needs us out of the house and the house has to be sold immediately because she needs the money. She has said repeatedly how much money she is going to take from me.

The article on narcissism and alcohol hit a lot of points. Her continuous deflection of blame and refusal to accept responsibility are real.

As for the kids..... I have played down a lot of their feelings and tried to find solutions and make peace for a long time.

Now our oldest is taking a hard stance against his mother. I will not let him stand alone.

Our daughter has asked for no contact. I won't let her do that alone.

They need me. I won't invalidate them.

For that, my wife will deflect, blame, and be extremely angry. I always loved and wanted her so standing up to her and taking her anger is hard for me.

Earlier in this thread you shared that you children are afraid to drive in the car with her.

She may be getting careless with her drinking. It’s important to listen to your children. Drinking throughout the day is a sign of AUD. Also, the affects of alcohol change with age. Your wife is around 5o? The body really changes once someone hits 50.

Now that you sat with a lawyer you know your rights. She can’t force you and your children out of your home.

The challenge may be keeping her from coming back.

RDM

You should ask your lawyer about that. She did choose to leave. You are legally separated?

I don't know where we're at with legalities, to be honest.

If you were legally separated you would know it. You do have your own lawyer that you talked to the other day right? You have rights, so your wife can’t bully you.

Different states have different laws. It’s good to make a list of questions for your lawyer so you are clear about your rights.

She left, I don’t think she can just expect to move back and take over. She may need to look for a smaller affordable rent like a studio apt.

If no one filed for legal separation or divorce, then no one could make you sell your house let alone move out. You need a lawyer. Not talking to a friend who’s a lawyer. You need to hire a lawyer.

You keep saying you talk to a lawyer. That’s a friend who’s a lawyer, not your lawyer. It’s like if you need to make doctor appt but you’d say you already spoke to a doctor. He goes to my gym and we chatted on a treadmill. It’s not your doctor.

It sounds that you have nothing done legally yet. She moved out and lives elsewhere.

Are you expecting her to come back? Do you want her back? If not, time for legal actions. Take a bank loan to pay a lawyer. Either start legal actions or reconcile.living in a limbo is no good. And if she moved out, you need to change locks. She can’t just show up if she doesn’t live there

I am assuming this is from a meeting you had with your lawyer correct?

I had a lawyer on retainer. He was not very good. I met with him several times.

Since then I've had consultations with three lawyers about my case, talked to two lawyer friends, and now have one of the lawyers I consulted with on retainer.

I can't imagine her pushing her way back in, although I go through moments of fear.

The kids won't live with her. If she does show up back here I'm sure there are legal grounds to have her removed. That would be very very hard and heartbreaking to do.

One of my lawyer friends told me liquidating the family home can easily be deferred for a looooong time. He has a client where the youngest is 25 and still picking away at college, so they can't liquidate the family home until he's done post secondary education.