[lovethesun]

Hello everyone. My daughter left home for college and is half way through her freshman year. She's been dating a guy for a year. They are the same age, both 18. Throughout high school my daughter worked very hard and was able to do well enough to get into the college she wanted to go to. Her boyfriend did not do this. He never challenged himself and said he just goes by what his mother told him to do and that is to "only do what is easy". So he is still living at home and taking a few classes at a local community college, but not doing well in the classes. He says they are "too much work". He did have a job but quit it. He is very unhappy with the way things are going for him. He talks to my daughter constantly and is clinging to her like a second skin. When she is home from college she spends all her time with him. If she stays up at her college town he goes up to her. I've started to notice my daughter's attitude about college getting bad. She has not made an effort to make new friends and her phone calls to me to complain about her college have increased. Today she called me and said "I can't take this place any more. I want to come home." I realize college is hard for freshman when there is so much adjustment going on. I always give her my ear to listen and I give her advice when she asks . I've told her I'm always here if she wants to talk. The thing that is bothering me very badly is I feel that the bad attitude or "just give up" attitude of her boyfriend is bleeding into her life and is now causing her not to thrive at college. I feel like the boyfriend's lack of drive is holding her back. And misery loves company. of course things have been challenging for my daughter so it's probably great to compare misery with the boyfriend.

I feel like I can't come right out and blame the boyfriend or she'll want to be with him even more. But I feel he is having a negative effect on her. Does the boyfriend appear to be having a toxic effect in your opinion?

[Open Eyes]

@lovethesun very good question and this definitely is an especially challenging time for a parent. Yes, it’s very possible the boyfriend is a bad influence. However, freshman year for our child is a challenging adjustment and it’s actually very common for a child to want to quit and want to come home. This is something discussed during parent orientation where parents are told to encourage their child to hang in there and keep trying to adjust to college life.

It’s a big change from the more intimate high school environment. In college there is a bit of a shock because it really is so different from the much smaller high school world. It’s not just this boyfriend but how his insecurities are bringing out your daughters insecurities as she is at a vulnerable time being a freshman and only a couple months into this new college life.

It’s a very stressful vulnerable time and it’s definitely hard for the parent because at this age the child wants to be more independent yet doesn’t have the skills yet.

[Open Eyes]

So, what can you do? Well, I don’t know if there are any YouTube how to’s on this challenge. You could try to see if you can find something that you can have your daughter watch. Given what I had learned some twenty years ago one would think there must be something.

I do feel that a careful conversation with your daughter should take place. A careful conversation would be to do your best not to put down the boyfriend because his attention is giving her a sense of power in an otherwise vulnerable state that many do struggle with the first year of college.

It’s more important your daughter know this anxiety about college this freshman year is normal. That she needs to learn how to navigate and try not to give up because all that does is take away some important lessons that become important contributions to developing good life skills.

[Open Eyes]

The answer to your question if this boyfriend is toxic? I think that he is avoiding growing up and being independent but lacks the self awareness to see that about himself. I think he is looking for companionship in his choice to procrastinate in being responsible and growing up towards independence.

College is a stepping stone towards learning about navigating as well as what might be a good fit in terms of making a living n something that fits with ones abilities and personal talents.

[Embracingtruth]

I'm certain her boyfriend is contributing to what is likely a natural reaction to being away from home for the first time, but I agree with your instinct to not bring him up. Her desire to come home is normal, but if he was not there, I'm certain someone else would be filling that void like close friends instead. Bottom line: He is likely not THE reason, so I would stray from that even being a bone of contention and focus on keeping her spirits up. Remind her how hard she worked to have this opportunity and that staying the course is where she will find the rewards for that dedication. And let her know it IS okay to feel that way, but in time that will pass. Accentuate the positive and tell her you're standing right there with her and she will see through this bump in the road to better days.

[lovethesun]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

The answer to your question if this boyfriend is toxic? I think that he is avoiding growing up and being independent but lacks the self awareness to see that about himself. I think he is looking for companionship in his choice to procrastinate in being responsible and growing up towards independence.

College is a stepping stone towards learning about navigating as well as what might be a good fit in terms of making a living n something that fits with ones abilities and personal talents.

Thank you Open Eyes!! Your input on this matter is appreciated more than you know. I found your insight extremely helpful! You mentioned some things that I had not thought of and you caused me to look at this issue from different angles. I feel much better about approaching this issue with my daughter having read your comments and I definitely will be having a gentle and calm discussion with my daughter on this issue when she comes home for the thanksgiving break. I've been lying awake at night worried over how to approach this situation correctly. Your comments have helped me to figure out how to do that. Thank you so very much!!

[lovethesun]

Originally Posted by Embracingtruth

I'm certain her boyfriend is contributing to what is likely a natural reaction to being away from home for the first time, but I agree with your instinct to not bring him up. Her desire to come home is normal, but if he was not there, I'm certain someone else would be filling that void like close friends instead. Bottom line: He is likely not THE reason, so I would stray from that even being a bone of contention and focus on keeping her spirits up. Remind her how hard she worked to have this opportunity and that staying the course is where she will find the rewards for that dedication. And let her know it IS okay to feel that way, but in time that will pass. Accentuate the positive and tell her you're standing right there with her and she will see through this bump in the road to better days.

Thank you Embracingtruth!! I appreciate your input!

[Open Eyes]

@lovethesun you are welcome. Freshman year in college can be quite intimidating. It takes time to adjust to this very different environment.

I remember my daughter coming home and telling me how other students genuinely did not know how to study on their own. They would ask her how and she would help them. The important thing about education is that you learn how to learn. And it’s not unusual to change your mind about a career path.

This clingy guy gave up too soon and that is going to put him behind when it comes to maturing. You don’t want to put your daughter on the defensive. Instead the holiday can be more about listening and assuring her that as time goes in she will get more accustomed.