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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,229
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#61
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The relationship was a power imbalance. He was the boss and I the worker. He wasn’t mean and demanding about that. It was an unspoken agreement. I picked up on his unspoken wants and did it because I wanted the relationship, knew if I didn’t he’d find someone else who would. But I did want it to feel real and satisfying to me, to my soul. I asked for too much. It became an obsession which turned into me having weekly meltdown episodes. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,229
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#62
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My sister told me yesterday that our mother would complain to her about how I kept crying to our mother about my unhappiness with my husband. Sister said Mom was annoyed that I kept upsetting HER. This is how my FOO helped me get out of a bad, dangerous, harmful situation- they dissed me behind my back. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
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#63
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Neither of us are different or only respectful in public, or with other people. He is extremely polite. It is this problem with intimacy that I am the one having. I am the origin of the problem because I don’t feel right about it, it doesn’t feel right because he acts so strange, vacant. The whole thing has been off the rails. It is a routine of a cycle of abuse, emotional abuse as sexual function. 1. Tension builds. We both know it is looming that sex will be approached. It is anxiety provoking. Anyone would be anxious in this repetitive cycle. 2. It falls flat. Either he does nothing, or I do nothing, or he does something horribly awkward and anxious or I just have an anxious outburst. 3. I get dysregulated upset. Crying, disappointed, angry, wanting to end dysfunctional relationship 4. I sometimes self medicate. In the past this was worse, to the point of dangerous. He contributed to it, still does, but I won’t let it get worse. He was pushing it to be worse, more unhealthy for me. It is me who stopped myself from SH, kept it non addictive, non lethal. 5. Then, in the past, this hasn’t happened for a long time now, he suddenly was passionate with no anxiety, no issues. But typically, it is me who just goes and initiates sex. It’s fine. We both feel good. 6. I am optimistic our problem will improve moving forward. Maybe he’s learned, as he said he did. But back to step 1 we go. Meanwhile, life outside of this behind closed doors abuse is seemingly normal. Over our years together, he also didn’t have my back to defend me the few times that ever happened to me. He betrayed me in that way one time where he chose someone over me who was extremely hurtful to me. He also was financially abusive at one point for several years. It wasn’t that he wasn’t letting me spend any money or anything like that. It was him passive aggressively asserting control by withholding it in a big way, not cool at all to me, which I protested constantly. To which he said he would stop, but then just didn’t, stonewalled. He did this while we were “trying to fix” our intimacy issue. These were very sore issues for me of some things that he did that were rotten to me. But that was it over our 30 year marriage. For the most part he is a nice person, who does nothing outright harmful, hateful. Except the man watched me cry hysterically and rant in anger at him and just kept doing it to me and watching me meltdown! __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Have Hope, Open Eyes
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,229
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#64
Oh, and he tortured me with holidays by never understanding what to do or just doing something for me. This was also a chronic misunderstanding that was off the tracks. But, he has gotten better this year. All I had asked was the most simple expectation from him, but he habitually disappointed. Then he would go far out of his way to do something special, like a really nice, unique gift this one year or two. So, this was a source of struggle with us, too. It wasn’t me being a demanding person impossible to please. It was him just not simply doing the expected actions, the typical, nice, normally done actions.
And this struggle, holidays, also caused me the crying meltdowns. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#65
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TishaBuv
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#66
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Unfortunately, I don't see the issues changing or improving. You have been trying to make this better for years now, and the cycle hasn't improved. You've tried therapy, and that hasn't changed anything So, what's next? Do you still love him? And what do you love about him? What does he do that works well for you? Do the negatives outweigh the positives, or do the positives outweigh the negatives? You don't have to answer, I am just asking you these questions to help you think about it. Many of the things you describe are bothersome and to me are unacceptable. I especially don't like that he didn't have your back, that he has encouraged you to self harm, that he continues on with his antics while you're having a meltdown, that he abused you financially, all of his gaslighting, and that he won't lift a finger to make romantic efforts when you ask him to. I can only imagine how you must feel having dealt with all of this. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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TishaBuv
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#67
How you doing @TishaBuv?
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Member
Member Since Sep 2022
Location: MI
Posts: 126
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#68
It has been with my boyfriend's youngest brother.First time I met his family,he reacted asking him why he was dating a midget which I find this word 100% offensive since it is also offensive to people with dwarfism.Boyfriend's parents,younger sister and older brother including my boyfriend were not too happy with him and were on my side.He does not understand anything about my pituritary dwarfism.
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TishaBuv, unaluna
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,229
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#69
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I’m a lost fart in a windstorm. Actually, that was an expression my sister S made up, and a running joke in our family. My husband and I are hunkered down in an apartment, basically just watching constant tv. The pandemic didn’t help. I need to figure out something to do with myself to individuate. An opportunity has just arisen. My son, who is about to have a baby, asked if we would be willing to baby sit a few days a week so they both can work. He texted that question to my h, who had texted him to ask if she was in labor yet. My h’s attitude is one of feeling put upon, not wanting to baby sit. He didn’t want to “baby sit” his own kids. And yes, he did call it “baby sit”. He tried to involve me in the text, and I told him I would speak to my son and DIL at a later time myself. I’m actually very happy about the idea, that they asked, that they want my involvement, that I can have involvement with my son and grandchild. I am also seeing this as an opportunity to individuate from my husband. I was thinking I could get a job, and this could essentially be a job for me. I plan to discuss it with them to see what they have in mind. I am being very cautions because I do not want anything to become problematic. The last thing I want is a rift with them. I’m imagining I would be spending time in their house with the baby. I would like to do this without my husband being there. He could stay home or do whatever he wants and I could be over there. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Have Hope, unaluna
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#70
Couple days a week is a great plan. My former, now retired, coworker watches her grand babies one or two days a week. She loves it. Anything more than few days would be too much. It’s exciting.
We babysit our 7 year old granddaughter (she is my step but we don’t call it that) every other weekend. My stepdaughter is single mom and has extra job on the weekends. It’s fun. My grandson lives way too far to babysit regularly. I do when I travel to them. But otherwise if that doesn’t work, part time job is a good idea too. Sitting home together is great here and there. All day every day might not be best. Hope you come with something. Can’t wait to hear when the baby is born. Is it a boy? |
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TishaBuv
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#71
It’s wonderful that your son and daughter in law want you involved with your new grandchild.
I think it’s best to wait until after the baby is born and the mother has had time to adjust to being a new mother. It is not unusual for a new mother to get very possessive and protective once the birth has taken place. It’s best not to make work plans until mother has had adequate time being a new mom. It’s something one has to experience to understand. It has been proven that mother child bonding is a very important part of healthy development in a baby. It’s NOW recognized through a great deal of study that early bonding is very important so this is not just my personal opinion. The best way to handle this is to respond with showing respect for the mother and that you would rather move slowly based on her comfort level. Men don’t understand this, it’s not anything they experience first hand. Allow her to have the say and proceed very carefully and gradually. If the wife is happy your son will be happy 😉 Last edited by Open Eyes; Dec 07, 2022 at 12:51 PM.. |
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TishaBuv
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,149
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#72
Does your daughter in law plan on breast feeding? I recently read how they have learned how breast feeding actually reduces the risk of breast cancer. I now wish I had saved that article.
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,229
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#73
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I’m glad you were all supportive of the idea of me watching the baby. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,229
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9 1,878 hugs
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#74
More tears with the lack, the emptiness from him this morning. But I suppress the anger, frustration. No more of that from me, not a good look.
__________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Open Eyes
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#75
Does your husband have any hobbies? Is he active with anything?
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#76
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__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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TishaBuv
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,110
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6 3,632 hugs
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#77
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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TishaBuv
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Legendary
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,229
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#78
Quote:
He wanted to and started to be a collector. I put a stop to that because he went overboard. We still have those collections in storage, needing to be sold. He’s not motivated to do that. So, essentially, it’s clutter. I have an aversion to collecting and clutter because my parents are extreme about being nearly hoarders with these things, too. So, that hobby of his was disturbing to me. I am severely allergic to dust. The clutter just collects dust and clogs up the room. When we lived in our house, he constantly cluttered every counter and table surface with stuff. Things would pile up so bad, you couldn’t go in a room. I didn’t even fight with him about that. Finally, I’d go deal with it all myself, which he’d get mad about because I moved his stuff. Now that we’re in such a small apartment, he has no where to do this. Still, in every tiny spot there is a surface, he clutters it up. But, at least, it can’t get as bad now. He opens a cabinet, he doesn’t close it. He uses an item, he doesn’t put it away. I have lived with this annoying behavior, and I do not fight with him about this. Back to hobbies… he rarely goes with a male friend to do a driving experience with cars or another experience with boy toys (ashamed to mention what). It is more that these friends are the hobbyists of these things and he goes along. This only happened once or twice. He is not very close with any of the friends. I have nothing in common with him in these interests. Nope, other than that he just watches tv. I never watched a lot of tv before I met him. I was always with friends, doing things, out around town. But this is all I do now too. No real hobbies for me, either. I am very boring. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T |
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
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#79
OMG @TishaBuv you are describing my husband to a T. Ugh, I took pictures to show my therapist how bad he can get.
I am certain this is connected to my husbands ADHD/dyslexia. It drives me crazy. |
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TishaBuv
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#80
Hoarding is OCD, altho now they are saying it is its own thing.
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TishaBuv
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